This past week has been unbelievably difficult, and not just because I have been preparing to head back to work on Tuesday. Near the beginning of the week, Logan was in a weird funk, crying all the time, inconsolable, just not himself. After several hours of unhappiness for both of us, I finally gave him some Tylenol (a brand not recalled) and he was fine after 30 minutes. He had a 99 temp for a few days and wa-la is doing much better. Why? Not sure but I am SO glad.
Not to mention that because I have been off work and on maternity leave for nearly 4 months now, “money is tight” is an understatment. More like, money? What’s that?? It effing sucks! In heindsight, we really did not do a very good job planning for the last month of my maternity leave financially. We had the first two and a half months taken care of and even had some helpful perks along the way that really surprised us and helped us out. And somehow, we have some seriously awesome angels as we were able to sell my car to my dad yesterday for cash. Biggest blessing! We can deal with not having 2 cars. We are saving money, helping good ‘ol planet Earth, and one less car on the road is always a good thing. Plus it gives our family more together time. B and I will be taking turns dropping one or the other off at work and taking the car for the day. There might be days when it gets tricky, but for the most part we will be able to make it work until we can buy another car.
The best news, of course, is that our sweet boy is THREE MONTHS OLD today!! I know I say this every time I write a montly post, but I seriously cannot believe it has been 3 months since we welcomed Logan into this world. I love recalling my birth. It was so beautiful and the second I heard his scream, my heart burst out of my chest just like the Grinch. I never knew I could love something or someone instantly with unending, uncontitional love. To think of how far he has come from the NICU has also been amazing! We were told that the pnemo was something that, once healed, would not affect him in anyway but it is hard to trust and believe until he is screaming his head off and not popping another hole in his lung. So what is our little big boy up to?
- Rolls to his side
- Sleeps through the night (9pm-5am)
- Brings objects to mouth, including hands
- Sucks thumb
- Naps and sleeps in his crib (the napping only started this week-night sleeping was at 4 wees in his crib)
- Eats 4-5oz of formula every 2-3 hours
- Recognizes our faces and voices
- Loves standing with support
- Has perfect head and neck control
- Can lift head while on tummy (but still HATES tummy time)
- Still in size 1 diapers, but only when we are out and about as we LOVE using cloth at home
- In mostly 3-6 month clothing, but the kid has NO WAIST and even some 0-3 month pants don’t fit so great but are now too short
- Weighs exactly 12 pounds, almost double his birth weight
- Can reach for objects, toys and loves grabbing my hair
- Learning how to laugh
- Loves smiling and “talking” to us
I am sure there is more, but that is all I can think of for now. Logan is such a joy! He makes me want to be a better person, wife, mother and friend. I try to take him out often so that he can get used to other people holding and interacting with him. In general he has no stranger fear yet, which is good at this point. I am obviously not handing him to an actual stranger. Lol…celebrating this weekend as my very first Mother’s Day is so amazing. There are still moments when I look into his big blue sunflower eyes and think, wow. You are a piece of me and a piece of B. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN!??!? Well duh, I know how that happens. It is just amazing and if you are a mother and/or expecting you know what I mean. God’s gift of children to us just blows my mind.
What else blows my mind? That on Tuesday morning I will wake up at 5am. I will feed Logan in our green rocking chair in his nursery and stare at him staring up at me. I will smile and coo at him while he drinks and tell him that I love him and that Miss M is going to take great care of him. I will set out his cloths for Miss M to change him into later because we love hanging out in our PJs for most of the morning. (who doesn’t) I will snuggle and hug his little body, kiss his chubby, gummy cheeks, smooth over his soft mop of hair, and quite possibly cry and pray over him before laying him in his crib to enjoy his mobile while I do my hair, make up, and get dressed in clothes that still have the tags on them. They’ve been awaiting my first day of work. I even got new shoes and a necklace. I will eat breakfast, make my lunch and wait. I will hold my sweet little boy while I wait, repeating the above over and over again until that soft knock on the door comes, announcing Miss M’s arrival at 6:30am. I am not crying yet. Is something wrong with me? What if I don’t cry when I leave him? Is something even more wrong with me then? Am I a bad mom for not crying? It does not mean I am not sad. My heart is breaking that I have to go back to work! And yet, at the same time, I am excited to go back to work. I love the people I work with. I love the people who live there. I miss having something to do. That may sound bad, but if you are a working mom, you know what I mean. Miss M has a little boy and gave me peace of mind that leaving Logan will give me a chance to miss him, which I have only really felt less than a hand full of times. I never felt more seperated and missed something so much in my life than when Logan was born, no longer moving inside my belly causing heinus heartburn and then to have him moved to the NICU and not seeing him for 3 hours after his birth. Working will be different. I will be doing things to keep my mind busy and Miss M said I can call as often as I need to. She understands. I love that we have a sitter who is sympathetic to a new mommy. It makes this whole leaving Logan process just a tiny bit easier, though hardly easy at all. So pray for me to have strength to get through the first day, and then the next, and so on as I take on the new title of Working Mother, something which I am sure I will someday be proud of.