Oh and as you can see, there is a little preview of our Christmas pictures! More to come, as tonight we are taking Logan AND our doggies to see Santa tonight. SO FUN!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Oh and as you can see, there is a little preview of our Christmas pictures! More to come, as tonight we are taking Logan AND our doggies to see Santa tonight. SO FUN!
Friday, November 26, 2010
My cousin is 17 and OMG I cannot believe how grown up she trying to be. I say trying because she's still a kid people!! Anyway, she and her best friend had apparently been hitting up the bar all night long under the supervision of their parents, of course. Both B and I were shocked, to say the least. I was not allowed to drink AT ALL with my parents until I was 21. The first time I got drunk I was 20! So needless to say I never drank in high school.
So around 7, the girls started to talk about how the get TPed all the time. We pulled up and there was TP all over their yard. My cousin was still pretty drunk and really wanted someone sober to drive them to the store to buy TP so they can go get their neighbors back. She, however, was not 100% certain that her neighbors were the culprit, but screw it. Let's do it anyway!
So my uncle (not her father) drove them to Rite Aid and they bought 40 rolls of TP! Mind you, it was barely 20 degrees outside! B was drunk as well at this point and he was in no way going to miss out on the fun. So they ran across the street at 7:30pm(!!!) and proceded to TP this house with huge trees. B did not inform me until we were on our way home that he had my camera all along but did not take one picture. Bummer. It was a fine job. I won't lie. The best part was that we (the more mature, sober adults) could see everything they were doing right out the front window. At one point, a car slowed down and yelled at them. B said they were just giving them high fives for doing such an awesome job. LOL
They were not home from the escapade for 20 minutes before the mother called my aunt up and proceeded to tell her that her girls had been in Chicago all week. OOPS!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
There is nothing on this green earth I am more thankful for than my family. I am beyond blessed and today I thank Jesus for blessing me with a husband who is my best friend first, lover second. And who gave me the gift of motherhood. That face up there is priceless. His cheeks are so delicious and his "ra-ra-ra-ra" chatter is one of the best conversations I have all day.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
So long story short: we have no child care starting on Tuesday. Our sitter did not accept the changes we needed to make to our schedule because it means one less day for her and saves us $200 a week and so her last day was yesterday. I have been trying everything to find child care. Home daycares in town have no space for a child under 1, daycare centers are too expensive, and I cannot find one decent human being on craigslist.
I called a home daycare this morning and wanted to meet her this afternoon. I dragged my mom along with me as she has been in the early childhood business for 20+ years and would know what kind of "red" flags to look for. Well, the simple fact that as we drove up to her "house", a mobile home, should have been the first obvious red flag, but I did not want to instantly judge the situation and give it the benefit of the doubt. Bad move. We walked inside and the TV was blaring Hannah Montana. There was an older boy in a chair, a girl (maybe 5) running around with make up all over her face, an infant in a car seat that another older child was rocking on the kitchen floor with their foot....it smelled. Bad. Like a mix of smoke and just plain old dirt. The lighting was terrible. There were no infant toys and in no way was this place even close to child proof.
Then there was the so-called provider. She's not licensed. In Colorado, if you do not have a license to have a home daycare, you are only allowed to care for one FAMILY. The licensing in CO is pretty strict. There are two different types but the same rule applies that you cannot have more than 2 under 2 or 2 under 1. I asked her what she fed the kids and she said chicken nuggets and hot dogs. Ummm hot dogs are a huge choking hazard! How many years had she been doing this? 10 years of course. She did not offer to show us around (not that we wanted to see any more!). I sat on the couch and THERE WAS NO COUSHIN! My tush landed on the wood in the seat. Yeah, that was nice.
So I guess that was longish. I have no idea what I am going to do. I may just have to take some time off next week to figure things out. Who knows. Please pray I can find someone, or, something for me. This is so frustrating. Although, after walking away from this so-called daycare today, I was actually laughing. I could not believe anyone would take their children to this home! Even out of desperation would be just too much. OMG...
Anyway, have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
Monday, November 22, 2010
For some reason, motherhood has made me incredible nostalgic. This is me 41 weeks ago. I am posting it because I was pregnant with Logan for exactly 41 weeks. I went into labor at 12:01am on February 8th, one week after my due date. So hard to believe that the last 9.5 months have gone so fast! Pregnancy sure was not that quick. I know I posted something similar a week ago, but I just had to note it with a lovely pic of me drugged up with the epi. Ahhh heaven!
Please notice how nice my nails look in this picture. My nails are nothing close to that now!
So if you're reading this and are nearing the end of your pregnancy, just remember that I have been pregnant longer than just about anyone I know (minus H with A @ 11 days) and YOU WILL HAVE YOUR BABY! I swear I began to think I would be pregnant forever.
So anyway...Happy Monday!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The last few days have been great. I have been enjoying every second with my family and work has slowed down to its normal pace that I feel like I can breathe again.
Friday night I had my parents over and made the most amazing Chicken Enchiladas! Wanna try it out? Go HERE. The only thing I do differently is sub in cream of chicken soup rather than cream of mushroom and instead of milk I add a can of enchilada sauce. Makes the flavors just pop! Also, I add more chilies. We like it hot in this house! So yummy and I have two more to make for lunch today! We ate dinner and had great conversation. Then we watched The Book of Eli and it was amazing! One of the best movies I have seen in a long time. Denzel Washington is ALWAYS amazing in whatever he does, but this is a career-topper in my book. Mila Kunis is in it and I have always enjoyed the movies and TV shows she's been in. After the movie my parents left and then B and I just spent some alone time together before going to bed. It was so nice to just feel happy again. Relieved. So much weight off my sholders.
Saturday I worked and when I got home Logan was sleeping. B and I have been playing Red Dead Redemption together since June when I bought it for his birthday and it's the first game I have ever finished! I'm just looking for treasures and doing hunting challenges now. I love it. Then we left for our friends house for dinner. These friends of mine are in their 40s and we love them! They are so fun and young parents. Their son is only 11 months older than Logan. They got along great and played all night! Logan had been going to bed at 6pm all week and last night he was up until 9pm! He played hard. We had a great time eating yummy pork chops and drinking a lot of red wine! I had so much fun I didn't want to leave!
Today I was up with Logan at 7am. We had pancakes for breakfast. While he played, I cleaned house. Bathrooms, floors and laundry all done! And it's 10am! Logan is down for a nap now. My mom is coming over to bake some pies for Thanksgiving because her oven is on the fritz. I am looking forward to all the yummy smells and momma time. B is working today.
I hope you all have a great Sunday! I hope to get some Santa pics of Logan this week sometime!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I am thankful that I am healthy.
I am thankful that I am able to snuggle with my boy and meet his needs.
I am thankful to be a mother.
I am thankful for B.
I am thankful for Jesus' forgiveness.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I am in one of the worst funks of my life right now. Everything feel right and wrong all at once.
I am so proud to be a mother.
I love Logan more than anything.
Logan's smile picks me up but lately it is barely enough for me to push everything else aside.
Work is a disaster right now. People are dieing, people are leaving. I effing sucks. Nothing is consistent. Communication sucks. I have no desire to be there.
I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally.
I cry almost every day.
I actually can feel how depressed I am. It's like anxiety, but a much bigger void. Hard to explain. Don't worry, I have help. I talk to someone. And as soon as I can get my butt out the door, I'm running.
I just want us to have more money. I want to find something that I can do to make money and be with Logan. I am just....ugh.
Until I get things figured out, I am taking a break from blogging. All this is just too personal for me to share with everyone right now. I'll come back when I'm ready.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Is it just me or is it blogger? I thought I would get at least one fellow bloggie to chip in with the Marriage Confessions but nada. In that case, I am postponing the remainder of the confessions until a later date. I am way to stressed with work and way to sensitive about no one joining in that I am just going to keep going on with my regular baby-related posts. Yes, I feel extremely sorry for myself. And yes, I feel like crying. But it is no ones fault. It's just bad timing. Maybe another time.
Monday, November 15, 2010
(One of my most favorite photos from our wedding ceremony. Pastor is blessing our rings as we pray with him.)
It is no secret that I love Jesus and praise my God daily. I am constantly praying throughout the day:
“Please God, keep me safe as I travel to Denver.”
“Please God, lead me to making the right choice.”
“God, thank you for your guidance and love.”
“God, please ease my mind and anxiety.”
I constantly pray for safety, healthy and guidance. And just as much I am always giving thanks for the blessings in the day that I am given.
When B and I first started dating, our spiritual connection was not important. I know that sounds bad, but for whatever reason it was just something we kind of avoided. But not for long. I learned that B is Catholic to my Methodist. I am not going to get into all the semantics of either, however, the important thing to note was that B was not a practicing Catholic. He only went to Mass with his father and since we met while in college, that was not very often.
I, on the other hand, had a pretty strong spiritual walk and even if I did not go to church every weekend, I loved my Jesus and did what I could to learn and grow closer to Him. Bringing the two of us together spiritually took some time. I did not want to be pushy and B was kind of stiff about the whole idea of going to church with me. Any of the SUPER Christians (insert: sarcasm) I knew in college would have immediately sent him home and moved on. I was willing to wait and do what I could to find out why he was a little lost.
According to the Bible (and I am not one to quote versus because I don’t know them, just general ideas, so I won’t), the man is supposed to be the spiritual leader. Well, the man is also supposed to smack his wife around and I’m not cool with that. So the fact that I was and still am spiritually stronger than B is no big deal to me. Since we started to dating nearly 4 years ago, B has grown leaps and bounds as a spiritual husband. He no longer shies away from talking about our believes and values. We pray together. We go to church together. And we have 100% committed to raising Logan to know his Savior. We want nothing more than for Logan to be a strong man of God, much like his daddy is becoming.
So how is our spiritual connection? Before I can answer that, it must be said that our spiritual walk together will always be growing and changing just like our personal walks. Currently, our spiritual needs are on the back burner. Sundays are our only family days and we are perfectly happy spending the day at home watching football. We pray together, but not often and we hardly ever read the Bible. This is hard to admit. I wish it were different. I wish we were better. But that just gives me reassurance that we have a lot to strive for, when we’re ready. It’s safe to say we are a little lazy about our spiritual connection as husband and wife. What doesn’t change is that we do rely heavily on our Jesus to lift us up and I know that B prays as much as I do. I know that we are only as strong as we are together and that we have a lot to work on.
How are you and your spouse spiritually connected? How do you stay disciplined to read and pray together? What do you need to improve?
Ask anyone and they will tell you they hate to fight. Whether it is with your husband, your children, or the bitchy lady in the mall who runs her stroller into yours--on purpose. Fighting sucks and I have never been one to fight. BUT. I am one tough cookie. When I feel strongly about something, you better believe I will fight til the end to win. Yes, win. The gratifying feeling of a solid win in an argument is quite the victory for me. Sadly, as soon as I am done doing my happy dance and finally look over to see his sad, defeated face, I feel bad.
I have a very hard time remembering the bad fights B and I have had and I could count them on one hand in the almost 4 years we have been together. I am not saying that to be boastful--it’s true. We hardly ever fight and when we do, it is rather epic. But then we usually drink ourselves into a silly stupor and I beg God to rid my memory of it ever happening. He does a great job doing so.
So how do we fight? I never see B’s stubbornness come out until he is adamant about something. He can be just as stubborn as me, but you’d never guess it with his laid back “whatever” attitude.
Any time a disagreement comes up, we both try to understand and listen to the other persons concerns and go from there. Sometimes I am way out of line and B has to bring me back to earth (thank you anxiety!) and other times I do the same for B. This is why our marriage works. We never want to hurt the other person and even though I said I like to win, I would much rather lose and make my husband happy more than anything else. It’s not worth it to me.
So here are a few principles we practice to keep things fair in our fighting:
1) We NEVER go to bed angry. We resolve whatever it is that is on our minds so that we can give one another a genuine kiss good night and not feel resentful while we try to fall asleep. There have been times (maybe one or two) when we sat across from each other for HOURS without saying anything into the early morning. Finally, someone apologizes or something and we move on. We made this rule within the first few months of dating.
2) We NEVER walk out on each other. We’re allowed to go into another room to cool off or just be alone. But under no circumstances is anyone allowed to walk out that door.
3) We never curse or name call. This is a biggie. Watch Teen Mom and that is all you see Amber do to Gary and it’s no wonder their relationship doesn’t work out. They hate each other! Just because we are fighting, does not mean that all respect and love goes out the window. Sure there may be a few eff bombs, but not like an “eff you” type thing. Saying stuff like that would just make matters worse and it would make us like each other less.
4) We NEVER fight in front of Logan and we ALWAYS make up in front of him. We made this rule early on in my pregnancy. If we begin to get heated about something, we either wait it out until Logan is in bed or we go into another room while Logan is safe in his jumper or swing. We make it quick. I actually think having Logan around makes us want to fight less because we don’t want him to hear our raised voices and angry tones. Secondly, we always kiss and make up in front of him. And we always will. Logan, and all the other children we have someday, need to know that just because mommy and daddy have a disagreement, doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. My parents hardly ever got heated in front of me and they always made up so I could see that they weren’t going anywhere. They’ve been married for 29 years and there is totally something to be said for that.
5) We make up again. Later. You know what I mean. Need I say more?
No one likes to fight, but you do need to know how to do it right so that no one walks out on the other. After just over 2 years of marriage, I can safely say that B and I still have a lot to learn. But the 5 principles we follow above are going to get us through tough times. Being a parent and having been raised differently is going to pose some interesting arguments over the years. Compromise, love and respect are the only way for us to make it through a fight or argument. We even try to figure out the best way so that we both “win” and that is only through discussing ways to compromise.
Now, how do you fight fair?
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I love taking pictures. I have absolutely no solid photographic education under by belt, but I have been told I have a good eye. Sadly, I have a wimpy camera that only works great when it wants to. Either way, I get most of the shots I want and if the quality is el sucko then I just livin it up on picknik.com.
So shutterfly is having an awesome promo just for bloggers right now. You can get 50 FREE greeting cards if you just follow the link below and write up a blog about what you use Shutterfly for. I have used it quite a bit since we had Logan. I was able to make both my mom and my MIL an awesome photo book of our wedding. Neither had an album of their favorite photos and I had a blast picking those out. The price and quality are unmatched.
Currently, I am working on a desk calendar for the parents and grand parents, brothers and sisters. I love creating different collages and adding my own text to it.
If you wanna check out some of their awesome holiday calendars, go HERE.
Lastly, I have had a share site all about Logan for several months now and it is has been the best way for our far away friends to watch Logan grow. I get emails every time I post new pics about how much they love seeing the changes. Not everyone I know has a FB so this is a great, safe tool for everyone!
So which Holiday Card would I chose? Well I knew right off I love flat cards. Easier to stuff and stick to a refridgerator. But when there are 352 options that all make my mouth water, it is so hard to chose!! There are so many awesome prints and sayings. I really like THIS ONE the most. Will I end up chosing it? I hope so! It all depends on the pics I chose to stick in there. I am hoping to have some pro pics of Logan taken in the next few weeks of him in a Santa suite. SO CUTE! Anyway, check it out! Shutterfly is awesome!
I am seriously considering a personalized coffee mug for a grand parent! The gift ideas are endless!
AND then I discovered reader in my google account. I KNOW you are all side-eyeing me and wondering what rock I live under, but yeah. So I used this fun new discovery to literally dump blogs I really don't read. Lucky for them, most were either turned private or no longer in service. It felt like the night I was a little tipsy and got made at FB and defriended a buncha people I never talked to. I know, shame on me. But it was like therapy clearing all those blogs out. I went from 300 to *almost--GASP** 200 blogs. So there is room for 100 more of you. If I am not already following you, you best leave me a comment and kick my rear-end into gear! Let me also point out that Blogger still thinks I am following said blogs I unsubscribed to in my google reader--how do I fix that??
PS. A HUGE reminder that tomorrow we start our week of The Marriage Confessions. First up is Fighting Fair. Talk about how you and your spouse fight. How you come to conclusions and is there always a "winner". I cannot wait to read everyone's responces! Leave me a comment on my post, which should be up early AM Monday morning. Anddddd go.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Today was rough, or more so, the afternoon was rough. Work was fine and then someone asked me how I was doing and BAM I lost it. I sat at my desk and wiped tear after tear away as I went on and on about missing my sweet babe. About how depressed it is making me to have him in someones care that is not my own.
I am learning very quickly that being a mother tests you in so many different ways that each time you come to something challenging you think, "This is the hardest thing I've gone through--as a parent--or ever." And I know that those challenges will only change as time goes by. This challenge just happens to be one that is eating me through the core. The night Logan was admitted to the NICU I felt like there could be nothing worse or harder. I grieved it for the first few months. Then I had to quit nursing him and that topped the NICU stay. I grieved that for months and I STILL miss it. Then I had to go back to work. At first, that was not too hard. I missed Logan, but he was at an age that was still easy. He wasn't mobil, he wasn't doing much of anything, really. Now he is doing something new and different everyday and I am missing most of it. This grief and the ache in my heart is yanking at every last fiber of my being. You know like when you pull your hair up to a pony and there is one tiny piece you can't find but is pinching you? Yeah, it's like that times a billion. I am going to do everything I possibly can to work towards being a stay at home mom. It won't be for a few months, but I am going to bust my ass until then. Heck I may even get creative and start an ETSY shop. Who knows.
I know I have been airing my heart on here over this strief for a few weeks now and if you keep reading til the end, I thank you. It means a lot to me. I have to write it down. I have to have a place to share it. Not for you, but for me. Please continue to keep this whole situation in your prayers. They are helping me stay strong and not just quit at the drop of a hat and leave B stranded to fend for our family with very little to go on. I would never do that. But I am breaking. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Day 1: Fighting Fair
Day 2: Your Spiritual Connection
Day 3: Your Family Dynamics
Day 4: Always Room for Improvement
Day 5: Behind Closed Doors
This week long challenge was created because I feel like all I talk about is Logan. B is the reason why we have Logan. I need to bring the focus back to my husband and the reasons as to why we are married. Being a wife is so much more than doing laundry, cooking dinner, and taking care of the babies. Being a wife is about love, friendship, and connections on many different levels. It's about constantly growing and falling in love with your mate. Everything else is just a happy perk. Being a mother is the greatest perk and I know you do not have to be married to have children, but being a wife and then donning the MOM title is an incredible life change. Ironically, once that little baby shows up the marriage tends to fall to the wayside and it is all about the baby. Is he hungry? Is he tired? Did you change his diaper? Why did you just do that?! And so on and so forth.
Well this week, I am dedicating every post to the man I love and I hope you will join me. I am no where near cool enough to set up a Mr. Linky so just go ahead and leave a comment. Share this challenge with your friends. My prayer, not just for myself, but for all of you is that we can learn more about who we are as a wife and what we can do to make that title more sexy, more smart, and more fun. How we can make our marriages flourish and fall in love all over again with the men we said "I do" to.
Wanna join me? This adventure in writing begins on Monday November 15th. The topics above will be discussed. Start brainstorming and have fun!
Lots of bloggie love,
Day 29: Wishes
I am not really one to wish. I pray. BUT, if you handed me a magic lamp and told me I had three wishes I would wish for:
1. A long, healthy life with my husband
2. A long, healthy life for my children
3. And a dream house deep in the mountains
This is a sunrise. I took the picture last summer. One of the most incredible pics EVER!
Monday, November 8, 2010
It only took a few times and my little boy learned to love laying his sweet head on my chest while my heart beat and steady breathing lulled him to sleep. Honestly, I loved it. I love how close it has brought us. THEN a week or so after that he began to teethe and I caved and rocked him to sleep just about every night and even for naps. THEN he got a cold. And now I am exhausted. Logan is sending me the message he needs me to rock him to sleep, when really, I know better. He just wants me to rock him. Know how I know?
HE GOES DOWN JUST FINE FOR HIS SITTER!!
This makes me happy and sad all at once. I love that he is wanting to spend more time with me. But I hate that his sitter is having no trouble with it. Weird, I know. My rational about his sitter and the whole being a working mom thing is so bitter and nasty now. There is no compromise. I fucking hate it. Yep. I said that.
So now what do I do? Sometimes he is fine, sometimes he needs to be rocked. I hate the habit this has caused, but love the bonding that is growing between us. Ugh. What to do...
Anyway, a small vent.
**Stay tuned for something REALLY FUN coming up next week.**
Sunday, November 7, 2010
How fitting that I am sitting here at 4:47am writing a blog about something that stresses me out. My baby stresses me out. He went to bed too early last night and now with the time change, his little body thinks it's 5am, when really dear son, it is actually 4am. My sleep and stress this week has been so terrible that getting up this early I already have the sleep deprived head ache. Ugh.
I am easily stressed out by just about anything, however, to get me worried or pissed takes a lot. My biggest stress right now is not having money that we can spend right now. Not that I want a ton of things, but it's just knowing it's there and available if I did. This is obvious, I know. Everyone stresses out about money.
Being a working mom, as you may have gathered from my previous posts this week, has become a huge stressor. I hate leaving my baby. I enjoy working. But I hate leaving him. In a perfect world he would come to work with me OR I would just not work at all.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
PS. This week has been terrible and I hope and pray that by Sunday morning the week is anew and all is well. I have been up since 2:30am with a very sick little boy. Coughing and crying all night. We laid on the couch together. We slept tummy to tummy, but I really did not sleep at all. I dozed on and off until 6am when I had to get up. While it was the most exhausting night I've had since Logan was a newborn, only because I had to work all day, I did love feeling him breath on my chest, take his little fist and grip the collar of my shirt, and snuggle in close. I have seen so much change in Logan over the last few days. He has a fear of water now. He screams bloody murder if I even try to put him in the tub for a bath so I will try a shower tomorrow. I am sure the steam will help his congestion as well. Anyway, I have seen Logan's awareness of his surroundings and where I am grow ten fold and it is amazing to watch. I am so glad to see that happen. I want him to be aware of things and then it is my job to show him that the bath is okay and safe. But not tonight. Tonight he went to bed in the same clothes I put him in last night and now I am off to sleep. My eyes, if I let them, would probably bleed if I stayed up any longer.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I could write a novel on what I have learned and continue to learn on a daily basis. I wish there was one way to sum all those things up, but my brain is too fried to thing of something witty. Go ask Heidi. I am sure she can think of something. :)
Anyway, I have learned:
...motivation comes within, not without.
...running away from a crawling baby does not mean he can't keep up with you.
...trusting in God's plan is way harder than it sounds and always will be.
...being a working mother IS officially way harder than being a SAHM. More on this later...
...I am the farthest thing from fashionable.
...I look best with my hair long.
...red heals are super sexy.
I am always learning. I look at that list and it's kinda lame. Sorry. See my next post on songs. Way more fun.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Aside from the three and a half hours I spent taking the hardest test known to man, I have been crying all day. I cried on the drive to the test as I listened to old praise songs I had not hear in years. I cried on the way home because...I don't know why. And then I cried all afternoon while I talked to my mom. And once those water-works began, there was no stopping them--until I stepped into my house and say a giant pile of doggie diarrhea on the floor. I quick laid Logan down for his nap and spent the next 20 minutes scrubbing my carpets. The stench totally threw me off my crying game.
So, why so sad Sarah? I am so angry. I knew why all along, but it was not until my sweet momma said it for me.
I'm mad that I have to be a working mom.
I'm mad that I have to spend my day making someone else happy, and not myself or or my son or my husband.
I'm mad that the person who's taking care of Logan while I'm working treats me like a child.
I'm mad that I am tired all.the.time.
I'm mad about our financial situation.
I'm mad that Tulo seems to have tummy issues every other week.
I'm mad that we have no money.
I'm mad about how mad I am.
I want to be happy. I put on a damn good face at work and for my friends and even my family. I'm done. My heart is too broken for me to keep pretending that everything is just peachy. I want, more than anything in the world, to stay home with my son. To be the only person, along side his daddy, raising my son. The only person witnessing all of his firsts: the first time he pulls himself up, the first step he takes, the first word he says with meaning. There is no other person worthy of those things...so why am I paying someone for it? We don't have a choice. I have to work. There is no other option out there. And then, I will be in school. Working on school full time. For some reason, the sacrifice of going to school so easier to stomach than it is to work. By the time I'm teaching, Logan will be in full time preschool and our schedules will be the same. I can't wait for that day to come. I never knew how hard it would be to be a working mom. It has certainly become one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure and it's just about doing me in. I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. So say some prayers.