A Little Random

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It's probably a good thing that I have not had a lot to write about lately. That means things are getting better around here. However, just because things are better does not mean I should only write about stuff when life sucks. So here is what we have been up to:

** We found a sitter! She is actually a friend and has a little boy just a few months younger than Logan and today they played hard! I also found a home daycare that I have put Logans name down on a the waitlist for May when I go back to school. I have learned my lesson of not waiting until the last minute to find RELIABLE childcare.

** Logan has been up and down the last few days. My mom had him on Wednesday and said he had a screaming fit for nearly a half hour. Just totally inconsolable. That night he did that twice after he had been in bed already. Screaming, not wanting to eat, etc. On and off for the last few nights, we've had to get up to console him. We dropped Logan off at his sitters house (more on that later) and after an hour I got a text that he had been screaming for almost an hour. She could not console him and he was tugging on his ears. Oh dear. So I left work and took him to urgent care. Turns out he does not have an ear infection (THANK GOD!), however, he does have a cold and his stuffy nose has caused his eustatian tube (runs between your ear and nose) to swell and is now causing obvious discomfort. There is no way for this to go away without the cold going away. So I am home with my clingy, snotty, weepy baby. I can't lie that I would much rather be here than work, even if it is to take care of a sick baby.

SOL

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Yeah.

So long story short: we have no child care starting on Tuesday. Our sitter did not accept the changes we needed to make to our schedule because it means one less day for her and saves us $200 a week and so her last day was yesterday. I have been trying everything to find child care. Home daycares in town have no space for a child under 1, daycare centers are too expensive, and I cannot find one decent human being on craigslist.

I called a home daycare this morning and wanted to meet her this afternoon. I dragged my mom along with me as she has been in the early childhood business for 20+ years and would know what kind of "red" flags to look for. Well, the simple fact that as we drove up to her "house", a mobile home, should have been the first obvious red flag, but I did not want to instantly judge the situation and give it the benefit of the doubt. Bad move. We walked inside and the TV was blaring Hannah Montana. There was an older boy in a chair, a girl (maybe 5) running around with make up all over her face, an infant in a car seat that another older child was rocking on the kitchen floor with their foot....it smelled. Bad. Like a mix of smoke and just plain old dirt. The lighting was terrible. There were no infant toys and in no way was this place even close to child proof.

Then there was the so-called provider. She's not licensed. In Colorado, if you do not have a license to have a home daycare, you are only allowed to care for one FAMILY. The licensing in CO is pretty strict. There are two different types but the same rule applies that you cannot have more than 2 under 2 or 2 under 1. I asked her what she fed the kids and she said chicken nuggets and hot dogs. Ummm hot dogs are a huge choking hazard! How many years had she been doing this? 10 years of course. She did not offer to show us around (not that we wanted to see any more!). I sat on the couch and THERE WAS NO COUSHIN! My tush landed on the wood in the seat. Yeah, that was nice.

So I guess that was longish. I have no idea what I am going to do. I may just have to take some time off next week to figure things out. Who knows. Please pray I can find someone, or, something for me. This is so frustrating. Although, after walking away from this so-called daycare today, I was actually laughing. I could not believe anyone would take their children to this home! Even out of desperation would be just too much. OMG...

Anyway, have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

oh this again

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It is November 10th and the teperature finally dropped below 60* long enough to give us a dusting and when I say dusting I mean it is still snowing. And I love it. Watching snow fall is so peaceful and that is what I need so much right now.

Today was rough, or more so, the afternoon was rough. Work was fine and then someone asked me how I was doing and BAM I lost it. I sat at my desk and wiped tear after tear away as I went on and on about missing my sweet babe. About how depressed it is making me to have him in someones care that is not my own.

I am learning very quickly that being a mother tests you in so many different ways that each time you come to something challenging you think, "This is the hardest thing I've gone through--as a parent--or ever." And I know that those challenges will only change as time goes by. This challenge just happens to be one that is eating me through the core. The night Logan was admitted to the NICU I felt like there could be nothing worse or harder. I grieved it for the first few months. Then I had to quit nursing him and that topped the NICU stay. I grieved that for months and I STILL miss it. Then I had to go back to work. At first, that was not too hard. I missed Logan, but he was at an age that was still easy. He wasn't mobil, he wasn't doing much of anything, really. Now he is doing something new and different everyday and I am missing most of it. This grief and the ache in my heart is yanking at every last fiber of my being. You know like when you pull your hair up to a pony and there is one tiny piece you can't find but is pinching you? Yeah, it's like that times a billion. I am going to do everything I possibly can to work towards being a stay at home mom. It won't be for a few months, but I am going to bust my ass until then. Heck I may even get creative and start an ETSY shop. Who knows.

I know I have been airing my heart on here over this strief for a few weeks now and if you keep reading til the end, I thank you. It means a lot to me. I have to write it down. I have to have a place to share it. Not for you, but for me. Please continue to keep this whole situation in your prayers. They are helping me stay strong and not just quit at the drop of a hat and leave B stranded to fend for our family with very little to go on. I would never do that. But I am breaking. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

SOMEONE ELSE IS RAISING MY BABY!!

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AM I SCREAMING LOUD ENOUGH? CAN YOU HEAR ME???

Aside from the three and a half hours I spent taking the hardest test known to man, I have been crying all day. I cried on the drive to the test as I listened to old praise songs I had not hear in years. I cried on the way home because...I don't know why. And then I cried all afternoon while I talked to my mom. And once those water-works began, there was no stopping them--until I stepped into my house and say a giant pile of doggie diarrhea on the floor. I quick laid Logan down for his nap and spent the next 20 minutes scrubbing my carpets. The stench totally threw me off my crying game.

So, why so sad Sarah? I am so angry. I knew why all along, but it was not until my sweet momma said it for me.

I'm mad that I have to be a working mom.
I'm mad that I have to spend my day making someone else happy, and not myself or or my son or my husband.
I'm mad that the person who's taking care of Logan while I'm working treats me like a child.
I'm mad that I am tired all.the.time.
I'm mad about our financial situation.
I'm mad that Tulo seems to have tummy issues every other week.
I'm mad that we have no money.
I'm mad about how mad I am.

I want to be happy. I put on a damn good face at work and for my friends and even my family. I'm done. My heart is too broken for me to keep pretending that everything is just peachy. I want, more than anything in the world, to stay home with my son. To be the only person, along side his daddy, raising my son. The only person witnessing all of his firsts: the first time he pulls himself up, the first step he takes, the first word he says with meaning. There is no other person worthy of those things...so why am I paying someone for it? We don't have a choice. I have to work. There is no other option out there. And then, I will be in school. Working on school full time. For some reason, the sacrifice of going to school so easier to stomach than it is to work. By the time I'm teaching, Logan will be in full time preschool and our schedules will be the same. I can't wait for that day to come. I never knew how hard it would be to be a working mom. It has certainly become one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure and it's just about doing me in. I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. So say some prayers.

3 Months Old and Going Back to Work

>May 8, 2010

This past week has been unbelievably difficult, and not just because I have been preparing to head back to work on Tuesday. Near the beginning of the week, Logan was in a weird funk, crying all the time, inconsolable, just not himself. After several hours of unhappiness for both of us, I finally gave him some Tylenol (a brand not recalled) and he was fine after 30 minutes. He had a 99 temp for a few days and wa-la is doing much better. Why? Not sure but I am SO glad.

Not to mention that because I have been off work and on maternity leave for nearly 4 months now, “money is tight” is an understatment. More like, money? What’s that?? It effing sucks! In heindsight, we really did not do a very good job planning for the last month of my maternity leave financially. We had the first two and a half months taken care of and even had some helpful perks along the way that really surprised us and helped us out. And somehow, we have some seriously awesome angels as we were able to sell my car to my dad yesterday for cash. Biggest blessing! We can deal with not having 2 cars. We are saving money, helping good ‘ol planet Earth, and one less car on the road is always a good thing. Plus it gives our family more together time. B and I will be taking turns dropping one or the other off at work and taking the car for the day. There might be days when it gets tricky, but for the most part we will be able to make it work until we can buy another car.

The best news, of course, is that our sweet boy is THREE MONTHS OLD today!! I know I say this every time I write a montly post, but I seriously cannot believe it has been 3 months since we welcomed Logan into this world. I love recalling my birth. It was so beautiful and the second I heard his scream, my heart burst out of my chest just like the Grinch. I never knew I could love something or someone instantly with unending, uncontitional love. To think of how far he has come from the NICU has also been amazing! We were told that the pnemo was something that, once healed, would not affect him in anyway but it is hard to trust and believe until he is screaming his head off and not popping another hole in his lung. So what is our little big boy up to?

• Rolls to his side
• Sleeps through the night (9pm-5am)
• Brings objects to mouth, including hands
• Sucks thumb
• Naps and sleeps in his crib (the napping only started this week-night sleeping was at 4 wees in his crib)
• Eats 4-5oz of formula every 2-3 hours
• Recognizes our faces and voices
• Loves standing with support
• Has perfect head and neck control
• Can lift head while on tummy (but still HATES tummy time)
• Still in size 1 diapers, but only when we are out and about as we LOVE using cloth at home
• In mostly 3-6 month clothing, but the kid has NO WAIST and even some 0-3 month pants don’t fit so great but are now too short
• Weighs exactly 12 pounds, almost double his birth weight
• Can reach for objects, toys and loves grabbing my hair
• Learning how to laugh
• Loves smiling and “talking” to us

I am sure there is more, but that is all I can think of for now. Logan is such a joy! He makes me want to be a better person, wife, mother and friend. I try to take him out often so that he can get used to other people holding and interacting with him. In general he has no stranger fear yet, which is good at this point. I am obviously not handing him to an actual stranger. Lol…celebrating this weekend as my very first Mother’s Day is so amazing. There are still moments when I look into his big blue sunflower eyes and think, wow. You are a piece of me and a piece of B. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN!??!? Well duh, I know how that happens. It is just amazing and if you are a mother and/or expecting you know what I mean. God’s gift of children to us just blows my mind.

What else blows my mind? That on Tuesday morning I will wake up at 5am. I will feed Logan in our green rocking chair in his nursery and stare at him staring up at me. I will smile and coo at him while he drinks and tell him that I love him and that Miss M is going to take great care of him. I will set out his cloths for Miss M to change him into later because we love hanging out in our PJs for most of the morning. (who doesn’t) I will snuggle and hug his little body, kiss his chubby, gummy cheeks, smooth over his soft mop of hair, and quite possibly cry and pray over him before laying him in his crib to enjoy his mobile while I do my hair, make up, and get dressed in clothes that still have the tags on them. They’ve been awaiting my first day of work. I even got new shoes and a necklace. I will eat breakfast, make my lunch and wait. I will hold my sweet little boy while I wait, repeating the above over and over again until that soft knock on the door comes, announcing Miss M’s arrival at 6:30am. I am not crying yet. Is something wrong with me? What if I don’t cry when I leave him? Is something even more wrong with me then? Am I a bad mom for not crying? It does not mean I am not sad. My heart is breaking that I have to go back to work! And yet, at the same time, I am excited to go back to work. I love the people I work with. I love the people who live there. I miss having something to do. That may sound bad, but if you are a working mom, you know what I mean. Miss M has a little boy and gave me peace of mind that leaving Logan will give me a chance to miss him, which I have only really felt less than a hand full of times. I never felt more seperated and missed something so much in my life than when Logan was born, no longer moving inside my belly causing heinus heartburn and then to have him moved to the NICU and not seeing him for 3 hours after his birth. Working will be different. I will be doing things to keep my mind busy and Miss M said I can call as often as I need to. She understands. I love that we have a sitter who is sympathetic to a new mommy. It makes this whole leaving Logan process just a tiny bit easier, though hardly easy at all. So pray for me to have strength to get through the first day, and then the next, and so on as I take on the new title of Working Mother, something which I am sure I will someday be proud of.