30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 28

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Something That Stresses Me Out

How fitting that I am sitting here at 4:47am writing a blog about something that stresses me out. My baby stresses me out. He went to bed too early last night and now with the time change, his little body thinks it's 5am, when really dear son, it is actually 4am. My sleep and stress this week has been so terrible that getting up this early I already have the sleep deprived head ache. Ugh.

I am easily stressed out by just about anything, however, to get me worried or pissed takes a lot. My biggest stress right now is not having money that we can spend right now. Not that I want a ton of things, but it's just knowing it's there and available if I did. This is obvious, I know. Everyone stresses out about money.

Being a working mom, as you may have gathered from my previous posts this week, has become a huge stressor. I hate leaving my baby. I enjoy working. But I hate leaving him. In a perfect world he would come to work with me OR I would just not work at all.

SOMEONE ELSE IS RAISING MY BABY!!

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AM I SCREAMING LOUD ENOUGH? CAN YOU HEAR ME???

Aside from the three and a half hours I spent taking the hardest test known to man, I have been crying all day. I cried on the drive to the test as I listened to old praise songs I had not hear in years. I cried on the way home because...I don't know why. And then I cried all afternoon while I talked to my mom. And once those water-works began, there was no stopping them--until I stepped into my house and say a giant pile of doggie diarrhea on the floor. I quick laid Logan down for his nap and spent the next 20 minutes scrubbing my carpets. The stench totally threw me off my crying game.

So, why so sad Sarah? I am so angry. I knew why all along, but it was not until my sweet momma said it for me.

I'm mad that I have to be a working mom.
I'm mad that I have to spend my day making someone else happy, and not myself or or my son or my husband.
I'm mad that the person who's taking care of Logan while I'm working treats me like a child.
I'm mad that I am tired all.the.time.
I'm mad about our financial situation.
I'm mad that Tulo seems to have tummy issues every other week.
I'm mad that we have no money.
I'm mad about how mad I am.

I want to be happy. I put on a damn good face at work and for my friends and even my family. I'm done. My heart is too broken for me to keep pretending that everything is just peachy. I want, more than anything in the world, to stay home with my son. To be the only person, along side his daddy, raising my son. The only person witnessing all of his firsts: the first time he pulls himself up, the first step he takes, the first word he says with meaning. There is no other person worthy of those things...so why am I paying someone for it? We don't have a choice. I have to work. There is no other option out there. And then, I will be in school. Working on school full time. For some reason, the sacrifice of going to school so easier to stomach than it is to work. By the time I'm teaching, Logan will be in full time preschool and our schedules will be the same. I can't wait for that day to come. I never knew how hard it would be to be a working mom. It has certainly become one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure and it's just about doing me in. I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. So say some prayers.

I'm Going to Be Okay

>May 12, 2010

So, two days into work now. Things are going surprisingly well. Seriously, I have not cried yet and I think there is something wrong with me! Either that, or I have been so crazy-busy picking loose ends and working on small projects I have not had a whole lot of time to sit and wallow. For me, that is a good thing. I hate drawing attention to myself by crying and I know everyone would be supportive, but I just hate crying in front of others. People are still looking at me with downward eyes, their heads cocked to the side and using a soft voice asking, “So,how are you doing, I mean really?” Really? I’m fine! I am so glad I can say that. I know there will be some days that are worse than others but so far this going back to work business has been okay. Miss M is amazing. I am so glad we have found her to care for Logan. They make a great pair.

Since I quite breast-feeding two weeks ago, I finally am feeling back to normal! My breasts have not felt this great in almost 4 months! It’s amazing. I can lay Logan on my chest to cuddle and I am no longer flinching in discomfort. Also, since the milk has nearly dried up they are going back to my normal size. This, I am very thankful for. I never thought of getting my breasts enlarged, ever, but now that they have been bigger than normal, I will never do something like that. And to all you big busted mommas out there, bless your hearts. I could not deal with the heaviness, back pain, sweat, etc all the time.

Oh yeah, and for all you non-Coloradoans IT EFFING SNOWED LAST NIGHT! In May, it snowed heavy, wet snow. The poor tree buds and flowers are moppy now, looking ever so sad. The ground was too warm for anything to really stick and so it has just been a slushy mess all day. Ugh, where are you spring?! Come back please!

3 Months Old and Going Back to Work

>May 8, 2010

This past week has been unbelievably difficult, and not just because I have been preparing to head back to work on Tuesday. Near the beginning of the week, Logan was in a weird funk, crying all the time, inconsolable, just not himself. After several hours of unhappiness for both of us, I finally gave him some Tylenol (a brand not recalled) and he was fine after 30 minutes. He had a 99 temp for a few days and wa-la is doing much better. Why? Not sure but I am SO glad.

Not to mention that because I have been off work and on maternity leave for nearly 4 months now, “money is tight” is an understatment. More like, money? What’s that?? It effing sucks! In heindsight, we really did not do a very good job planning for the last month of my maternity leave financially. We had the first two and a half months taken care of and even had some helpful perks along the way that really surprised us and helped us out. And somehow, we have some seriously awesome angels as we were able to sell my car to my dad yesterday for cash. Biggest blessing! We can deal with not having 2 cars. We are saving money, helping good ‘ol planet Earth, and one less car on the road is always a good thing. Plus it gives our family more together time. B and I will be taking turns dropping one or the other off at work and taking the car for the day. There might be days when it gets tricky, but for the most part we will be able to make it work until we can buy another car.

The best news, of course, is that our sweet boy is THREE MONTHS OLD today!! I know I say this every time I write a montly post, but I seriously cannot believe it has been 3 months since we welcomed Logan into this world. I love recalling my birth. It was so beautiful and the second I heard his scream, my heart burst out of my chest just like the Grinch. I never knew I could love something or someone instantly with unending, uncontitional love. To think of how far he has come from the NICU has also been amazing! We were told that the pnemo was something that, once healed, would not affect him in anyway but it is hard to trust and believe until he is screaming his head off and not popping another hole in his lung. So what is our little big boy up to?

• Rolls to his side
• Sleeps through the night (9pm-5am)
• Brings objects to mouth, including hands
• Sucks thumb
• Naps and sleeps in his crib (the napping only started this week-night sleeping was at 4 wees in his crib)
• Eats 4-5oz of formula every 2-3 hours
• Recognizes our faces and voices
• Loves standing with support
• Has perfect head and neck control
• Can lift head while on tummy (but still HATES tummy time)
• Still in size 1 diapers, but only when we are out and about as we LOVE using cloth at home
• In mostly 3-6 month clothing, but the kid has NO WAIST and even some 0-3 month pants don’t fit so great but are now too short
• Weighs exactly 12 pounds, almost double his birth weight
• Can reach for objects, toys and loves grabbing my hair
• Learning how to laugh
• Loves smiling and “talking” to us

I am sure there is more, but that is all I can think of for now. Logan is such a joy! He makes me want to be a better person, wife, mother and friend. I try to take him out often so that he can get used to other people holding and interacting with him. In general he has no stranger fear yet, which is good at this point. I am obviously not handing him to an actual stranger. Lol…celebrating this weekend as my very first Mother’s Day is so amazing. There are still moments when I look into his big blue sunflower eyes and think, wow. You are a piece of me and a piece of B. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN!??!? Well duh, I know how that happens. It is just amazing and if you are a mother and/or expecting you know what I mean. God’s gift of children to us just blows my mind.

What else blows my mind? That on Tuesday morning I will wake up at 5am. I will feed Logan in our green rocking chair in his nursery and stare at him staring up at me. I will smile and coo at him while he drinks and tell him that I love him and that Miss M is going to take great care of him. I will set out his cloths for Miss M to change him into later because we love hanging out in our PJs for most of the morning. (who doesn’t) I will snuggle and hug his little body, kiss his chubby, gummy cheeks, smooth over his soft mop of hair, and quite possibly cry and pray over him before laying him in his crib to enjoy his mobile while I do my hair, make up, and get dressed in clothes that still have the tags on them. They’ve been awaiting my first day of work. I even got new shoes and a necklace. I will eat breakfast, make my lunch and wait. I will hold my sweet little boy while I wait, repeating the above over and over again until that soft knock on the door comes, announcing Miss M’s arrival at 6:30am. I am not crying yet. Is something wrong with me? What if I don’t cry when I leave him? Is something even more wrong with me then? Am I a bad mom for not crying? It does not mean I am not sad. My heart is breaking that I have to go back to work! And yet, at the same time, I am excited to go back to work. I love the people I work with. I love the people who live there. I miss having something to do. That may sound bad, but if you are a working mom, you know what I mean. Miss M has a little boy and gave me peace of mind that leaving Logan will give me a chance to miss him, which I have only really felt less than a hand full of times. I never felt more seperated and missed something so much in my life than when Logan was born, no longer moving inside my belly causing heinus heartburn and then to have him moved to the NICU and not seeing him for 3 hours after his birth. Working will be different. I will be doing things to keep my mind busy and Miss M said I can call as often as I need to. She understands. I love that we have a sitter who is sympathetic to a new mommy. It makes this whole leaving Logan process just a tiny bit easier, though hardly easy at all. So pray for me to have strength to get through the first day, and then the next, and so on as I take on the new title of Working Mother, something which I am sure I will someday be proud of.