It’s hard to imagine that this sweet smile is not strong enough to squash my anxiety into a million pieces. It might, momentarily, but not permenantly and it is driving me crazy. I told B the other night that I felt like I was going crazy and he said, “Really, S, like you need a mental hospital? Be serious.” OMG…I am being serious but NO I do not need to check in somewhere! It’s not like I am truly going crazy here people. I just feel like I am. I am losing control over this black beast. It’s following me to work now and I am really beginning to consider talking to someone. I plan on calling my OB tomorrow to see what they recommend. I know that PPD can show up late and I don’t believe I am depressed, but the increased anxiety is definetly because I am a mom now.
I promised myself a long time ago that I would never talk about work on my blog and I’m not going to, but it needs to be said that the most minor of things, things which hardly concern me, are affecting me in a negative way. Yesterday, I about had a full blown panic attack because someone was trying to move our piano with a weak leg. I told them not to. They did it anyway and I don’t think I could breath for the time it took for them to move it. I was livid. I was freaking out. Somehow, mind was manifesting the idea that if something happened to the piano, it would in some way be my fault. I know this is totally irrationa and I KNOW that is not true. But it creeped it’s way into that weak part in my brain and there I sat, heart racing, hyperventalating, sweating and dizzy all because of a stupid piano…wha..??
OMG readers. I am weak in my arms just typing this! Which is how I know that it is time to find someone to help me out so please say some prayers, leave some encouraging, hopefull words. I need it! Thank you!!!