2012 Year in Review

This year has been amazing. I will let the photos and captions speak for themselves. Cheers and Happy New Year!!

January

• We started to potty train Logan.


• I was struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety, mostly due to my stomach issues.


• B brewed his first batch of beer.


• I got a promotion and my very own office.

February

• Logan turned two!


• B and I celebrated 4 years together.


• I started some new medication and counseling to help get my health back on track.

March

• We were all sick for most of the month :(


• Celebrated St. Patty's Day downtown Denver with family.


• Logan's verbal language exploded!

April

• I got really sick  (AGAIN!)


• Made some fancy deviled eggs for Easter


• Logan flew a kite!

May

• Celebrated Mother's Day with my parents


• I decided to make a ton of frozen meals.


• My health really started to come under control

June





 

 

• We took our 2nd family vacation together and headed to the Jersey Shore.


• We had a terrible fire rip through our woods not too far away.


• We closed on our first house!

July

• We settled into our new home.


• One of the hottest summers, nearly 100* days everyday in July!


• We dealt with a terrible, local tragedy, the Aurora theater shooting.


• I went to a Dashboard show where I saw someone propose to his girlfriend!

August

• B and I celebrated 4 years of marriage and I turned 28.


• I started up college again!


• We prepared for my cousin to move in with us.

September

•  We learned about baby bean on September 17th!


• My cousin moved in with her kids.

October

• I announced my pregnancy on social networks.


• 1st prenatal appointment


• Got food poisoning on our trip to Black Hawk and lost a bunch of money.


• We had our first snow of the season.


• Hurricane Sandy devastated the Jersey Shore and displaced my extended family.

November

• Pregnancy migraines started up (NO FUN!).


• I attended my first live birth of twins via c-section.


• I only had one class left to finish this month.

December

• Found out I have a complete placenta previa with this baby.


• Celebrated Christmas three times; once in Denver with B's family, once on Christmas Day with B, Logan and his mom, and once in Steamboat with my parents and extended family. (post to come)


• Baby bean started moving around a ton!

no words

I cannot start these words without physically letting out a sigh so heavy I make myself nauseous. The shooting on Friday has been such an intense tragedy that I have not even been able to listen to, watch or read anything about it. I cannot look at the photos of those beautiful children, or the photos of their broken parents. I'm physically ill thinking about their loss and how they must feel. I have tried to ignore the news, to pretend it was just a nightmare that will go away, but it's not. I'm so devastated and only today, as in the last few moments, have I started to let my mind realize this is a nightmare, but not in my dreams. It really happened. I am so sad. I am sending all my love and prayers to the families. Knowing that this little life I created inside of me, and the one that is running around like a big boy, is one which could be taken away in an instant shakes me to my core. I have no words. No more words to write or say because there will never be the words to describe the hurt.

Tuesday Night

Last night (Monday) I took my final for my human growth class and left feeling pretty damn good about it. I came home and learned that my cousin finally got the funds she has been waiting for and is set to move into the most adorable early 1900s house downtown in less than two days. We were/are so elated! B and I laid in bed and congratulated each other on getting through the last almost four months with four house guests and surviving. WHEW! B made a margarita in front of me, I smelled it, and wished I could have one myself. Then I turned into bed and slept well.

During the day (Monday) I had a pain return. Last week I was treated for an infection which I was certain was the source of the pain, but alas, it came back and I was worried. Fast forward to this morning. I called my midwife and told them what was going on. They asked that I come in right away. I wasn't too worried. I had a pretty good idea of what was going on. Then. THEN it took the midwife almost FIVE WHOLE minutes to find the bean's heart beat. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SUCKED?! I didn't start to worry until she said something like, "Well, if we don't find it then you get an ultrasound!" Not 30 seconds later the little turkey finally made itself known. Healthy 150BPM. She checked everything else out, took some swabs and was still puzzled. We decided an ultrasound was a good idea. The pain I've been having starts in my belly button and travels straight down. All the way down. It's sharp and very uncomfortable. Could be muscles, even after the results of the ultrasound. Who knows.

So I worked some more, ate an awesome Caesar salad, and walked back over to the clinic. And I must say....I LOVE that my midwife is across the street from the hospital. Plus, I see them almost every day. I love it. B met me for the ultrasound. He was not with me the first time around 13wks so we were both a little excited. Baby looks amazing. It was being very quiet and relaxed. Healthy heart beat again. Measuring well. The "oh shit" moment? I noticed that my placenta was laying flat below the baby (as seen in this photo):



I am no ultrasound expert, but the thought crossed my mind, "Is my placenta covering my cervix?" I brushed it off since the tech had been talking to us about everything the entire time and didn't mention it. Then at the end she asked if I'd had any bleeding. Nope. None. Now, I know why. I waited to talk to my midwife while the tech made her notes. She confirmed I do have another weird infection so new antibiotics were prescribed and then, the bomb: I have a complete placenta previa. This means exactly what I suspected: my placenta is totally covering my cervix which means I am at a very high risk for bleeding, especially as the baby grows more. I have been restricted to only doing light jobs and tasks, no heavy lifting, jumping, etc.

Since it's still early, there is a very good chance the placenta will move away from the cervix as the baby and my uterus grows. However, if it doesn't, then I'm looking at an automatic c-section. This scares the hell out of me. Actually, all of this is scary. The bleeding in PP doesn't usually start until the middle of the 2nd trimester and can result in moderate to complete bedrest. I am trying to stay hopeful and pray that it will move away in time for me to have a normal vaginal delivery without any bleeding complications along the way. The hard part is that I just know too much. I did a huge case study on this exact diagnosis for my med term class. So please send happy thoughts and prayers that all will be well and that the placenta will move. Physically, it doesn't actually move...it moves with the growth of the uterus. I'm just hanging in there and staying positive. So thankful for an otherwise very healthy baby.

eff off bob the migraine!

I'm in so much pain. I'm going on almost 4 weeks of chronic headaches and a week straight of one, solid migraine that only disappears while I'm asleep. So I named him. Bob. Of course the migraine is masculine. And I've asked Bob to sweetly take a hike and never return but something is getting lost in our line of communication and I think it has to do with the pain that he's inflicting on me. But in all seriousness, this fucking sucks. I've never had  a migraine before and I am sure that anyone who has, no matter how sweet and well-mannered, has used foul language in describing one. I've seen my husband go through them and there are certainly different levels of pain and differences in intensity. B will actually get physically sick, while I am in just so much pain it hurts to keep my eyes open.

Unfortunately for me, there is really nothing I can take or do to rid myself of this migraine since I am with child. So I am trying every little trick I can and so far, no luck. I try drinking a ton of water and even some water with electrolytes in it to keep my energy up. B has been massaging my neck, I'm using a heat bag, drinking caffeine, and taking Tylenol. Nothing is working. My midwife even gave me a stronger version of Tylenol and even that is not working. So rather than taking medication that is clearly doing nothing, here I sit and suffer. I have dimmed the light on my screen so I can barely see the words I'm typing, but the light is just too intense. I laid in bed most of the day in the dark clutching my head and praying for sleep or the pain to subside. No luck today.

The only thing I can hope for right now is that this is a temporary 2nd trimester bump in the road that will/should subside in a few weeks. That day cannot come soon enough.

Devastation.

UPDATE: I just saw an update from my aunt that they were able to access their house via boat and while there is lots of water damage, the most severe seems to be to the garage and they lost a car. SO much better than expected! I'm not sure if they were able to go inside so that update will have to wait.

I cannot find very many words to assert the feelings I have right now on this "wordless" Wednesday, and yet I must write something. Some of my closest family members have an incredible house in Lavallette, NJ. You may remember our visit to the beach with them in June. The small beach town is an island or peninsula, or whatever they call it, between the Atlantic Ocean and Barnaget Bay. My family has the most beautiful house, sitting right on the bay with their boats and crab traps securely attached to their doc. Next door is the house they own that my grandmother lived in for a few years. Her house is much smaller and the epitome of a beach house. We stayed in her house in June, playing bubble hockey, watching The Graduate, and staying up late drinking lots of alcohol--our Colorado blood could handle more than we imagined at sea level!

Over the last few days, Hurricane Sandy has crushed this town. Sand and water have covered and destroyed countless houses, roads, lights, bridges, boats, cars, and the boardwalk....It is nothing like it was just days ago. This is the first time in my life I have been so closely related to family in a weather crisis. Sure, we've had our share of snow storms and been "trapped" at home to play in the snow for days, but never without power, heat, water, fuel, etc. My family evacuated their home and are on the mainland now, without power, fuel, heat...we are trying to only keep up with them minimally as we do not want their cell phones to die before the power is restored.

I am so heartbroken. This town will never be the same again. I've been there nearly 10 times over the years and never have the seen weather like this, even when Irene came through last year. I'm praying for everyone and their safety. Possessions are just things, but I cannot imagine how devastating loosing everything so quickly like this could be.

Epic.

My weekend was epic. Epic in that nothing went as planned, everything pretty much sucked and the only epic part that was good is how much time Logan got to spend with his grandparents.

Early last week, B and I decided it was time to get away. We were overdue for some quality alone time and what better way to spend alone time than in Black Hawk, the only place in CO where you can gamble your little heart (and money) away. It's in the mountains and not a long drive so we booked a hotel and looked forward to the getaway.

Friday night we packed up and left. Logan spent the weekend with his grandparents, which he LOVED, as did they. You will NEVER hear me say this again, but thank goodness for facebook! My mom was awesome in posting photos from their weekend:



 

Watching the sun rise.

 

Morning paper with Pop Pop.

Chess, of course! With Pop Pop.

We arrived and checked into our hotel, which was also a major casino and I think that is just how it works there. Most hotels are also casinos. Anyway, we were starving and headed down the hill to a bigger casino for what we were hoping to be a fancy-ish dinner. We ordered our food and waited awhile. It was almost 9pm by the time we ate. I had some pasta with chicken and B had an omelet. Yes, an omelet. Then we went and lost a lot of money. It was weird and disappointing, but we tried. We've both had luck in the past, but that was just not our night.

Then we went back to the hotel and withing 4 hours, I was in the bathroom all.night.long with food poisoning. Ever had that? Ever had that AND been pregnant?! No fun. In fact, I would not wish such a night on Mitt Romney. We barely slept. There was not a store in town so B had to drive into the canyon to get me some meds. The ride home was horrible. We had plans to play poker, watch a movie and have another nice dinner and NONE of that happened. In stead, I remained in the fetal position all weekend.

I'm at work today and it sucks. I'm tired and weak. Drinking tons of water to stay hydrated. And all I want to do is leave and go to bed. Sometimes, though, you have to tough it out and that is exactly what I'm doing now.

Melt down

As I mentioned last week, it was a tough one. In short, there will soon be seven people living under our roof. That includes B, me, and Logan. Seven mouths to feed and probably seven loads of laundry a day! And the dishes, beds, toys, and late night chats of seven people...I am excited, anxious, nervous and ready for this life change.

I thank God every day for the blessing of our home. Being first time home buyers has been great for us and now I see the bigger plan he had in mind. He knew we had to expand our hearts and fridge space and this is how he prepared us for it.

So, who are the four other people joining us in less than two weeks? None other that my nearly sister-cousin and her three wonderful children. She has had to make a life decision for herself and her kids to move them here with us and we could not be more happy to open our home to them. We don't know how long they will stay, but we will keep them as long as we need to. In all honesty, I am thrilled that she is finally moving back to Colorado! We have been so close our entire lives and now we can raise our children together.

But....I am nervous. How will we adjust? How will this affect Logan? Who's going to cook? How messy will the house be? Maybe these are silly things to worry about, but it is our daily life that will change and we want nothing other than a positive outcome for all of us. I love Her dearly. She is one of my most favorite people and I know that together we will ensure that the transition for our kids is a good one. Logan is essentially getting three playmates! How cool is that?

Why is not important, but I do feel a personal meltdown coming. Not a bad one, just a moment where maybe I'm standing in the shower and it hits me, I sob and move on. At least that is how I hope it happens!

In other news, Logan had the most epic melt down at the school book store on Thursday night over a damn sucker! So here I am, paying for my books and logan is wailing in the stroller and this lady next to us says to him, "oh honey just wait a minute and she'll get it for ya!" o_o are you kidding me? I about strangled her! My kid totally understands what that means so he, of course, just cried harder! I said ha, no I'm not, paid and left as quickly as possible. I almost had a melt down with him.

Currently...

Just me this week. This has been one hell of a week! I wish yesterday was Friday. Moving on:

Searching for... a number of things. Guidance, patience and an easy way to adjust to the changes coming.

Making... pinterest ideas come alive! Photos will come soon, I promise!

Feeling...Exhausted, overwhelmed, tired and not very hungry for some reason.

Going...to Texas in two weeks, which has to do with all of the above and more. Until then, I need a week off just to sleep and adjust.

 

Among the Chaos

Wow. What a weekend.

As many of you know, I live in Colorado. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like our state has taken a rather harsh beating this summer. Fires, insanely dry heat, mass shooting, mass food poisoning...I always have to wonder what causes so much chaos in such a short period of time, and then I am reminded that there is no use in wondering. It just is.

On Friday morning, I didn't have a chance to watch the news before I left for work. B was home with Logan and I spent some extra time curling my hair. I got into my car and turned on the radio. The first thing I heard was how there had been a shooting just after midnight and an update was coming up next. The DJ did not indicate where it had happened or how serious it was so I hung on through the commercials and two more songs to hear the latest: A gunman had riddled a movie theater in Aurora early in the morning and 12 were dead, 71 injured. I felt the blood rush out of my head, the tears welled and my face became hot. I stifled my tears so I could keep driving on the two lane highway. My first emotion was sadness and then anger. I became so mad at this person for doing such an unspeakable thing I wanted to kill him myself. The rest of my day consisted of watching a live stream of the news and finally, after hours, I had to turn it off. I was ridden with anxiety and chest pain, knowing full well I could have known any of the people who had been there that night.

Some of our closest family members live in South Denver, just a skip away from Aurora. Everyone we know is okay, but our hearts are not. I have not been so sad in such a long time. That night we had to pry ourselves away from the TV. It was too much and that night I had a hard time sleeping, which I'm sure many others did as well. I had a terrible stomach ache that kept me rolling in my sleep.

Today, after keeping tabs on all the news updates, the new information surrounding the killer, his booby-trapped apartment, and the prayer vigil, I am ready to remember just the victims. I cannot stand to look at this mans face let alone write out his name. I will not give him that credit. He doesn't deserve it.

Sometimes when these kinds of things happen I wish we could just do it like they used to do and hang him. I know that is a terribly un-Christian thing to say, but I have to assert this feeling. I know deep down that he has to go through the justice system in the fair manner in which it has been created (um...it's not that fair, either). Maybe it is more of me wanting a quick answer and punishment for him since he didn't give any of the victims and survivors a choice. Ass hole.

 

On Buying a Home {part 1}

Starting from the beginning, we tried to buy a home last summer that was a short sale. We could not wait any longer for approval from the bank so we pulled out of the deal and signed a one year lease on a small house.

Fast forward to January. We decided to go with a different realtor so I sent her an email with specifics and our time frame. I didn't hear from her again until almost March. The market was picking up and more of what we were interested in surfaced.

To date, I cannot tell you how many homes we have walked through but I'd say we're somewhere in the 50's and if I never walk through a home again I'd be fine with that! Anyway, we'd seen a few houses over the next month but nothing really popped out at us until I found an old bungalow that seemed to have everything we wanted, and more. Huge back yard, great kitchen space, three bedrooms, lots of character and, from what we could see, some modern updates.

We made an offer, went back and forth with the sellers and settled. We then scheduled the inspection. This was the farthest we had ever gotten while under contract and neither of us had no idea what to expect. The house was 119 years old and we knew that there were going to be a few things to fix with the hope that the sellers would make those changes.

The day of the inspection was one of the first really warm days in April. The sky was blue, no clouds to be seen, and hope for a decent inspection was in our minds. I joined B and the inspector half way through and as I was walking through the house again, something just didn't feel right. I wasn't sure of it at the time, but now I know that deep down, this house was not for us. Inspection or not, I just had the sense that something wasn't right. And oooohhh was I right about that!

The inspector spent three hours checking over every last inch of the house. He was very thorough and honest about his findings.

1. The house needed a new roof. There were three layers of shingles, the bottom two of which were rotting.


2. The electrical system had to be totally re-done. There was live wiring in the attic that, if it happened to touch a wooden beam or insulation, the house would catch fire. B keeps telling me this risk isn't as bad as it sounds, but I was freaked out.


3. Asbestos found in different areas, along with lead paint on nearly every window and door.


4. The garage was nearly falling over (detached) and needed to be rebuilt.


5. The foundation sloped, which we were aware of, but it was so bad that there were areas in the cellar that showed signs of moisture, pre-mold stage.

Annnnd I'm out of breath. Those were the biggies. There were several other issues. This poor house needed a lot of love and what we saw at first was a disguise. The sellers made other things look updated and nice. We found out later that they had never had an inspection prior to buying it (HUGE MISTAKE!!) and now they are still stuck with a money pit.

We pulled out of the deal right away. The sellers tried to sway us by saying they'd fix the roof, but that wasn't enough. There was more to it than the issues. It didn't feel right and I am more sure of that feeling now that we have found the home that is right for us.

Fire on the Mountain

On Saturday, I was out shopping (alone!) and noticed that the sky, which was the most perfect blue without a cloud in sight, had a plumb of smoke billowing over the foothills. This is our 4th fire in four weeks and the biggest yet. As of 4pm on Sunday, it is at least 14,000 acres, though most likely more.

View yesterday around 1pm from our front porch.

View from downtown around 730pm

Sunset aroun 845pm

Ash gathering in our back yard this morning.

The same view, just now, from our front proch. Ash is spinning around in the wind outside. It's hot, we don't have AC, just a fan, and the windows are closed. My throat already hurts from the smoke. Please say some prayers for rain! The wind is carrying this fire and making it impossible to become contained right now. Nearly 250 fire fighters are out there, lots of evacuations and several destroyed homes.  So so sad.

Bully

This movie is coming out soon and just from watching the trailer, I get mad. I have always been a very empathetic person and cannot imagine treating others in such a cruel way, in such a way that they feel like they no longer deserve to live and start believing the lies the bullies are telling them. There is something so poignant about this, especially as a parent, that makes you take a step back and start to pray for your child's well-being before they're even in grade school.

I would like to say that growing up, I was never bullied, but alas I was one of those kids. Honestly, who wasn't bullied? I know I've been the victim, but I've also been the bully. On very rare occasions did I stoop to that level and make someone feel less to make me feel better. Of course, I was a teenager who certainly knew better and chose to hurt someone. I'm ashamed to admit it.

Growing up I was a social, but quite kid. I was independent and preferred to work on school projects alone. I had a hand full of friends, but never fell into any one specific group. I wasn't athletic and only played volleyball for a few years in middle school. I danced for a few years and, while I loved it, there were some girls who showed off so much so that I felt too insecure to keep at it. I wasn't into acting, band or choir. I enjoyed arts, crafts and home ec the most. Despite how much I tried to be my own person and stay out of the drama and cliques, I was still bullied on a few occasions which I've not forgotten.

In 4th grade I got glasses. There is no better way to draw attention to yourself as a child than to walk in one day with four eyes and a butch hair cut. Until my hair grew out, I didn't hear the end of it. I avoided the bullies and chased the boys on the playground.

When I was in 5th grade, on the last day of school, we were doing an outside activity with wooden planks over buckets, trying to cross to the other side without falling off. One of the girls, Katie R., was a loner for the most part but decided to leave her mark, literally, before the day was over. She was behind me and had one of those old, plastic jump ropes. I suppose I wasn't moving fast enough for her so she took that jump rope and whipped it across the back of my legs. I instantly fell off and began to cry. The teacher wasn't paying attention and I didn't want to be a snitch so I just laid there a minute until I could put the tears away. Worst way to end a school year!

In 7th grade, I had some awesome "friends". They were so awesome, in fact, that they were the fake-nice bully. Y0u know, the girls who pretended to like you, pretended to be your friend and then the minute you didn't do something they wanted you were black-listed. At our school if you found money and turned it in, you'd get a box of Gobstoppers. I'd found some cash and quickly turned it in. Please note: I have the biggest conscience you could imagine. My moral compass has almost always been straight and narrow. These girl "friends" wanted me to share my Gobstoppers and so I passed a few around, smiling for winning some brownie points (or so I thought). The girls asked for more and I politely declined. I got up and headed back inside, but not before they tackled me and pinned me behind the door. I was wedged between the door and the brick wall of the school. It was a hot day and the bricks stung my skin. I tried to play along for a minute, trying not to become terrified of what might happen. I threw the box of Gobstoppers at them and they let me go. I ran inside to the counselor and had a good cry. I don't know if they ever got in trouble for what they did, but I never got my Gobstoppers back and they never apologized. In fact, they continued to be my fake friend.

Over the years, I've learned pretty quickly if someone is fake or not. It's sad, really, that those people are still out there even as adults. I've tried to be my genuine self and give a little trust here and there, only to find that they're not really my friend and I let it go. It doesn't hurt anymore. It just sucks.

I'm not sure how I will deal with bullies as a parent. From what I can tell, Logan is a very social child who is friendly with everyone. We get praising reports from his daycare teachers and he's never been in trouble to earn a time out. He's never bitten a kid and as far as I know, he's never hit one either. I hope is that he is not the bully or the bullied. But I can't control that. And that also sucks.

rolling in the deep

This post will serve as a way for me to do an emotional brain dump and to also share what's been going on. Many of you know me IRL and that's awesome. You're amazing friends and I love you all so much. And those of you who have been blogging pen pals--you're all amazing too. So here I go, sharing my heart.

As many of you know, I have struggled with anxiety for a very long time. I always feel like I'm on a roller coaster where I have high days and low days, days where my anxiety is through the roof, nearly debilitating and days when I forget it's even there (those days are rare). Over the last few months I've come to a tipping point, a point where I feel like I've been in a constant state of panic, anxiety, worry and depression.

I believe it started to get worse a year ago when my stomach issues began to take over. I feel like I've always had a bit (a lot??) of hypocondria and instantly worry and jump to the worse case senario, although I never (rarely ever) act on it. But the stomach issues were real. After months of testing and finally coming to a few diagnosis, I thought I was in the clear. But emotionally, I had kept the stress pushed down and bottled up, always attempting to put on a tough face and get through it.

Then, four weeks ago, I began to have a new lower abdominal pain. It came out of no where. On the fifth straight day I finally went to the doctor, leaving work early fearing the worst (appendicitis, ectopic pregnancy, ovarian cyst, kidney stones, etc...). After blood tests and ultrasounds I was deemed physically healthy. All of the above had been ruled out and I was shocked. How could I be "ok" and in this much pain?! The pain meds, for the first few days, worked but soon stopped and it was a night out with B just to grab some groceries that changed everything. I had been in pain, took some meds and felt them working, but the pain was still present, full force. I broke down, so frustrated that there was something wrong with me, that I was going crazy. How could this pain be so real to me but causing no physical, obvious issue?  I felt alone and even more anxious and confused.

With B's guidance and constant support, I decided to see a counselor. Maybe if I talked about the stress and anxiety I'd been pushing down for months (years??) would help me heal, both physically and emotionally. I've been twice now. I cry my eyes out. I barely get three words out and I'm a mess. I'm surprised by how little I realized this was affecting me. The last time I saw a counselor a few months after Logan was born I never cried. Nothing I talked about made me feel that emotional or upset. Now, I see that I'm emotionally unhealthy and that releasing that stress through therapy has been and will continue to be very helpful.

But that's not enough right now. Articulating how sad, anxious and depressed I've felt is really difficult and I'm finding that I can't. I have lost motivation to do just about anything and when I get something done it takes all the effort I can muster to do it, especially through this mystery pain that comes and goes. I lack energy and a general state of happiness that I miss more than I can convey through words. And that is why the counseling is not enough. Four days ago I started taking cymbalta. It's for anxiety, depression, and pain. People with chronic pain take it and while it won't take it away completely, it is greatly minimized. While I think I have chronic pain sometimes (a month long is hardly acute), the medication should take care of all three issues no problem. I have no idea how long I will take this, as I have no idea how long I'll continue counseling but what I do know is that I look forward to where these things will take me, how I will be feeling in a few weeks and how that will affect me in the future. My counselor is awesome and I feel very comfortable with her, despite how difficult it is to talk about things. I really want these this to work and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little ashamed. I know that's silly and just one of the many humps I have to get over. It has taken me days to muster up writing this post, all while I wanted to share it right away. This is my blog, my journal and I love writing for all my readers, but I'm also writing for me. I've found great strength in the community that this has brought me and I hope it will continue to do that.

So there it is. That's where I'm at right now.

Bad Dream

Two nights ago I had the most terrifying dream about Logan. Oddly, Logan rarely ever pops up in my dreams, if I happen to remember them. Not sure why, but I always love it when he does. But not this time.

My dream started out with me at work in the hospital. I was in the birthing center chatting with a resident. I reached over him to grab a pen and he said "excuse you!" very rudely. I walked away and suddenly I was in a huge warehouse, like a Home Depot of sorts. There were people everywhere, none of which I knew. Suddenly, I realized I'd lost Logan. Like I forgot he had been with me and then realized he was no where to be found.

I panicked. I was running around everywhere calling his name and asking people if they'd seen him. For some reason I remembered him wearing an orange hat (we don't own an orange hat) and it seemed that every kid I saw was also wearing an orange hat and I could not distinguish if one was Logan or not.

All of a suddenen he walked past me, older, maybe four, and in slow motion we made eye contact and kept walking past each other as if I was truly loosing him. I immediatly snapped out of it and grabbed him and he was back to his small, helpless two-year-old self melting into my arms as my face was on fire from the fear and tears.

I woke up yesterday morning and that dream rocked the rest of my day. I could not focus and I felt this impending fear that something bad was going to happen. Logan and I went to his two year well child check up, which was a nice distraction, and then we had lunch and I took a nap when he went down. I woke up from a dreamless sleep in a much better emotional state, though still shaken.

One of my greatest fears is loosing Logan, no matter in what capacity be it in a crowd, accident, whatever. I know every mother has this fear but the dream seemed to bring some kind of reality to the possibility of something so tragic happening that still has me in a fit of worry. I know why I had that dream. Anyone watch One Tree Hill? I LOVE this show, but the season has started off really crazy and ever since becoming a parent, it is very difficult for me to watch or read anything about children disappearing or being injured, etc. In last weeks episode Brook's hub leaves one of their twin boys in the car on a hot day. He just totally forgot he had the baby with him as he shopped around town and then it ended with the baby heading to the hospital for heat exhaustion. Terrifying! I cried my eyes out, as I am sure this senarior is also a fear that many mothers have. Accidents happen, but if I ever did anything like that I don't know how I could ever forgive myself. The dream was a weird way of me dealing with the emotions I had about that stupid tv show. Yes, I still love the show, but I hate that it had to throw in a story line like that.

Have you had any scary dreams about your children? How did you deal with the fear and anxiety from it?

a little down

Not gonna lie: this week was rough. BUT, we did manage to have a great New Years Day and Wednesday was pretty fun. Otherwise, it was mostly sad and frustrating.

On Monday there was a fetal demise at work. This sort of thing NEVER gets easier. However, I no longer cry. The first time I was at work when this happened, I cried all morning. I was so sad. I know this happens to women everyday but to be that close to it just breaks my heart every time. THEN, yesterday there were THREE more! All 21-23 weekers who were just not ready for the world yet. :(

On Tuesday we found out that Logan's doctor is not accepting his insurance anymore. This is a total bummer. I did some doctor hopping for a few months last year and ended up going back to her. She has been my doc for 12 years and I would not want anyone else taking care of my kiddo. Well, now we have to find a new one. I'm meeting with someone this morning so hopefully it works out. Logan still has a bad diaper rash and seems to be having an upset tummy so I'm glad we're going in.

I also had a little issue at work the same day and really, it was silly. But anytime my integrity is questioned I get really upset. All it came down to was miscommunication, but still, I felt ill over it until we figured out what really happened. Ugh.

So, here's to a great weekend! Today Logan and I are hanging out all.day.long! The weather has been nice so maybe a trip to the park after our appointment.

skinny love

Bon Iver is my most favorite thing to listen to right now. Birdy, a youtube gal, covered his song and it's beautiful! His song Skinny Love is my fav and seems fitting for how things are with me right now.

I'm too thin. This is not news to me or anyone else, but I cannot even remember the last time I was 120 pounds. It has to be my first year of college which, if I'm counting right, was nearly TEN years ago. I hate how things don't fit well and how self-conscious I feel about it. Everyone compliments me and says nice things, but then they also say stuff like "you NEED that cookie-eat up girl!" and I say a quiet prayer that the cookie will help me gain some weight, but it doesn't.

This battle with my health has reached a breaking point emotionally. I'm done being angry, I'm just sad now. The pains are controlled with drugs for now and as soon as I can I will wean myself off. For now, that could be a year away. I'm seeing a nutritionist next week to make sure I'm getting enough calories and figure out how I can gain some more weight. I'm very tall and based on height and weight I'm underweight by at least 10 pounds. I felt best right around 130 which is where I was when B and I got married. My clothes fit well, I felt great and healthy. So that's my goal.

But never in my life have I ever felt so sad about food. It feels like divorce. I've never had one and both my parents are married, but I have friends and other family members how have gone through it. Giving up things I love like cheese, red onions, and buttermilk pancakes has me in tears. I broke down on Christmas Eve. We were on our way to a family party and I knew that there would be very little I could eat. I'd made deviled eggs and brought strawberries for dessert. I knew I could have those, but not all night! I managed with yummy meatballs and fresh veggies but OMG my heart was breaking when I saw the queso. No queso for me! Or the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzels we got in a gift basket? Nope.

I've always had the kind of metabolism which has allowed me to eat whatever I want without gaining too much. The most I ever ate and gained weight was of course when I was pregnant. Now, I'm holding on to 120 pounds without letting one more pound slip off. This is not how our society thinks. I'm sure there are people out there who would scoff at me for complaining about how thin I am but they don't know me. They don't know that eating has become a dreaded chore for me, that I cry when I think about how I might never figure everything out that's bad for me and continue to live in pain. That scares the shit out of me.

A friend once pointed out how ironic it is that we as humans almost idolize food and how that is one of the 7 deadly sins (glutney) and yet I'll bet people are thinking way more about their next meal or snack than they are about anything else (like praying). I start thinking about dinner first thing in the morning, before I've even eaten breakfast!

Thank you, friends, for sticking with me through this mess. It means so much to me to have the love and support from all my family and friends. On December 30th it will mark one year since this all started. A whole year.

Plans Change

I can't catch a break. Everyday, something else is going on with my health and well-being, or so it seems. On Friday night I was walking quickly through the parking lot carrying a rather large bottle of wine when I slipped and fell on some ice. I saved the wine! But my wrist? Mildly sprained and then yesterday my low back flared up. Awesome.

The results from my ultrasound last week are normal, but I did not find out from my doctor or from looking the results up myself. On Saturday, we had big plans to have a Christmas party with B's family. We were so excited. I went shopping and bought everything for a really yummy salad, we went a cut down our Christmas tree, and only a few things to do before they arrived. All morning, however, I was actually having some serious stomach issues. I could not keep anything I ate or drank inside. But I tried to push through it. I assumed it was just my stomach acting up, of course, when we have something great planned. I took my meds and hoped for the best.

As the day went on I started to feel worse. I laid in bed until everyone arrived and put on a smile, pushing through and trying to hid any of the pain and discomfort I was feeling. I knew in my heart this had to be something more than just my stomach being dumb. I felt ill.

I looked awesome. I had been planning my outfit for the party for a week and tried to convince myself that I looked good so I feel good. That ran through my head over and over to no avail. We watching Logan open Christmas presents. He totally gets it! With hardly any help from his Nona he was ripping paper off and saying "out, out, out" after seeing his new toy. His grandparents absolutely spoiled him, in a good way of course! I'll post pictures as soon as I can, but watching Logan really enjoy Christmas for the first time was priceless. I am so thankful that I was able to hold out for that.

We took a break and I mustered up any strength I had to help make the salad and get things ready for dinner. Standing up made me feel as though I would faint and I pushed through those feelings as long as I could until I went back to lay on the couch. I felt terrible. Our family was doing everything and here I was laying on the couch. I hated, and still do, that I was not able to be in the mix with everyone, sipping on homemade eggnog and wine. My heart still hurts that it did not go that way.

At one point while I was laying on the couch B came over and asked if I needed to go to the ER. I had those thoughts in the back of my head but it was the last thing I wanted to do. But then we thought about it. It had been over 12 hours since I had been able to keep anything from coming right back out and sipping on water was painful. The cramping had me keeled over and I knew I was becoming very dehydrated. We made the decision to go. I was devastated. I was leaving Logan with our family and I knew he would be fine, but B was also leaving his family and we don't get enough time with them as it is. But I was going downhill so fast both B and I were scared. We could not worry about those things.

Only one other time in my life have I been in the ER. When I was in college the week before spring finals I became sick. I passed out in the dinning hall and was taken to the ER via ambulance. Diagnosis was sever dehydration and a viral infection.

When we got to the ER, things moved quickly. We didn't have to wait long and in no time I was having blood drawn and an IV put in. The fluids were a welcomed relief. I went through a liter in less than an hour. After anti-nausea meds, 2 liters of fluids and good blood work, I was sent home. I felt worse, though, because the body aches had kicked in. The drive home was just as bad as the drive to the hospital when I was in labor. And yes, I made that connection! lol

In the end, I slept until 130pm the next day and slowly regained my strength. Today, I am totally back to normal, stomach pains and all. The meds I'm taking for that do keep them under control and on the 19th I have a follow up to find out if this is going to be a life-long battle.

The moral of this story, friends, is to WASH YOUR HANDS and DON"T TOUCH YOUR FACE! I know these things are so simple and "DUH" even, but until you start paying attention to how often you touch your face, you don't even realize you do. My official diagnosis was the flu and gastritis. YUCK! Stay healthy friends!

a troubled tummy

I have not received my official diagnosis from the (lack of) findings from both of my procedures, however, I did read my pathology report. Just call it one of those perks of working in a hospital. As I said before, my visual reports were good: healthy and normal. No ulcers, polyps, cancer, etc...which is all good news. And, honestly, what I expected.

It's been over two weeks now and that "7-10 days" for results rule is out the window. So I read my own report, which is not breaking any rules (goodie-two-shoes here!), and the only diagnosis I found among all the medical terminology is that I do have some form of GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease). It's like acid reflux, but worse and in my case most likely chronic. Again, I have not been given my official diagnosis. This is just what I know from the report. More good things: I don't have Celiacs, Chrons, of H-Pilori bacteria, among other stomach-related diseases. I'm so glad for that.

BUT.

I still want an answer!! GERD is not curable, rather, it's managed by very strict dietary changes. I also suspect IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) or it's evil twin Irritable Bowel Disorder (IBD). I'm not sure which is which and what the differences are, but neither are curable either. Changing the way I eat along side medication (at least for now-until the pains subside) is what I'm going to have to do. There is still a chance my doctor could call on Tuesday and say none of the above and diagnose me with something else, or nothing at all and continue tests. I'd really like an of my gallbladder, just to be sure.

So this is where we sit. I've been mentally preparing myself for major dietary changes and when I say major I mean MONUMENTAL. 98% of the things I eat now are irritants. Irritants of GERD, IBS, IBD, and so on...nothing I've been eating as been good for me, even if you and everyone else might consider it healthy (ie: a salad).

Here's a taste (pun very much intended!) of what I have to avoid. And just for kicks I will also be eliminating gluten. Why? Well...why not?? I know a hand full of people who do not have celiac but some other ailment and going gluten free has improved their issue.

No...

• caffeine


• chocolate


• alcohol


• soda


• acidic foods


• spicy foods


• milk, cheese, yogurt, etc (no lactose, period.)


• wheat/barely


• fermentable foods (watermellon, avocado...)


• sugars (glucose...)


• anything deep-fried/breaded (french fries, boneless chicken wings)

Doesn't that look like fun!! :::enter sarcasm:::

Thank you, my dear readers, for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers through this whole mess. I truly hope that once I get things under control that I will be a much better, happier person and blogger. I'm not inspired to write about anything else for now. Until then I will keep you all updated on how things turn out. There is always a chance that none of this will work and that something else is going on. I hope that's not the case.

Have a great weekend!

the devil car

I do not normally associate inanimate objects with emotions, but we are certain that a car we had for nearly seven months was indeed possessed. I say this with a half-joking manner because I only half believe it myself.

For almost a year B and I managed as a one car family without too many issues. When I got my new job, there was no way we could operate without another car. My schedule varies and working around B's solid schedule would have been very difficult. So we started to skim craigslist ads. We even went to Denver for a day to check out used cars and came up without any luck. Our budget was very small. We were only seeking a town car that was safe for little man.

I was working one of my last shifts at my previous jobs when B called to announce he had found a car, test-drove it, and bought it. I had no idea what kind of clunker he was bringing home. I was just relived that we now had two forms of transportation! He drove the 1987 blue-green Volvo Wagon over to my work and explained all of the things he had to fix: the radiator and water pump were the biggies. But, B said, I know what I'm doing! I put all my unwavering trust into my husband. He has worked on many cars and I truly believed he knew what he was doing. However, the car had other ideas.

B worked every night to fix the radiator and water pump and three weeks later it was still sitting in the parking lot. I finally put my no-ifs-ands-or-buts face on and said we're taking it to the shop. Period. Aside from those two major issues, there were also some electrical glitches. If the battery had not been warmed up it and we needed to use the head lights, the dash lights would not work.

Long story short (or not!), we dropped $300 to have the bigger repairs done and without a second thought conceded that the car was fine. Sure, the car was fine, but it's presence in our lives brought so much negativity. The deal on our house fell through, I was scammed, Tulo had a terrible accident, and we were broke. All this within five months of the car entering our lives. Fast forward to Halloween weekend. My good friend Amy is 30 weeks pregnant and she was concerned about some pains she was having. Her husband was working and it was a Sunday so I offered to take her to urgent care. We decided to stop by her house to grab a stroller since mine was in B's car. As we turned into her neighborhood the car over-heated and died. I called B and he said he was on his way but to pour water into the radiator while we waited for him. Amy's concern was not an emergency so it was okay that we had to wait 20 minutes for B to arrive. He stayed with the car while I took Amy to urgent care.

B discovered a leak. After the car cooled down he was able to get it home before it over-heated again. I put Logan down for a nap and it finally occurred to both of us: this car is really bad mojo! Without a second thought we decided to sell the car for whatever someone might be willing to pay and then, somehow, buy another car. We had no idea how we were going to buy another car but we had to, even if it meant borrowing money, which we hate doing.

Halloween night after all the fun I placed an ad on craigslist. I received a few responses and wanted to wait another day before responding. On Tuesday, I sent an email out to my coworkers asking if anyone had a car they needed to sell. I knew that buying a car from someone I knew was safer than online. I knew they'd be honest with me about any ongoing issues, etc. In the mean time, B was setting up a time for a guy to come over and buy the car for parts. That was all it was good for.

That afternoon I received a response from someone who wanted to give us her car. She said it had not been on the road for year, but was in otherwise good condition. We needed to buy a battery and get the brakes checked. That was it. I was in tears! I could not believe how selfless this person was to give us her car! We offered to pay her something but she would not take it, stating that she was going to donate it anyway and was glad she could help us out. The devil car, as we started to call it, was not even out of our sight before good things started to happen. I got a call about the scam-I am going to get a refund! We had no idea if Tulo would run again-he ran through the park with Butte a few nights ago! My insurance was not going to pay for my procedures until they received a statement from my previous insurance that it was not a pre-existing condition-done and done! (while I've had stomach issues for a long time, it's been undiagnosed the entire time).

Wednesday night was a blizzard so we waited until Thursday afternoon to pick up the car. We took care of the title at the court house and again, I cried in my car on the way home. I always feel so blessed by everything God has given me, but I could not wrap my head around how much gratitude I had for this woman GIVING us her car. I'm still in shock. I just know that when we get the chance some day we will pay all these good deeds forward. There is no other way to spread love and joy in this world than by doing just that.

The devil car meant so little to me that I never even took a picture. The car we were given needs a major bath. I've taken it through the car wash and nothing came off!

I pray that in this season of giving that no matter what the need, you seek to help someone out, big or small, just to keep spreading that love a joy.

almost done

Sorry I've kept you all hanging. This was a rough weekend. Friday was my procedure. In case you forgot, I had a colonoscopy and an upper endoscopy. Thursday morning I had my "last supper": one egg over medium and biscuits with gravy. YUM! That was at 9am and for the rest of the day I drank a lot of water and some chicken broth. By the afternoon I felt very hungry. When I get hunger pains, it increases the general abdominal pains that are already there so I was miserable from then on.

I will spare you all the other details of the evening. I was so dehydrated I felt delirious, dizzy, nausious...when I don't eat I get super low blood sugar and even the sugars in the vitamin waters was not enough to make me feel better. I literally felt sick. I was able to get 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which was nice. I was not expecting that. B got up with Logan so I could sleep until it was time to leave. I managed a shower and some hellos to B's mom who so graciously came up to stay with Logan so B could be with me. Seriously, I have the best mother in law.

We were late. I hate being late. But we had to get gas and drive across town to the surgery center. My head was pounding and even though it had been 26 hours since I had eaten anything, I wasn't even hungry. B was asking me where I wanted to go eat after and I settled on Noodles. Nothing like comfort food to make me feel better.

I checked in and waited. Here is where the anxiety of being drugged to sleep started to wonder into my thoughts. I continued to pray and hold B's hand. He reassured me that everything would be okay and I had to start believing it because there was no going back. The nurse came to get me and B sat with us while she went over a few things. Then he was excused and I was left to undress (totally!) and wait some more. I had an IV placed in my hand and the best part was that she numbed the area BEFORE putting the IV in. I felt nothing. The anesthesiologist came and talked to me about my history and what to expect. Everyone was so calm and reassuring. I was rolled back to the room, nothing more than a glorified office with a giant TV screen. We waited for the doctor to arrive. She was so kind. As she was talking to me, the anesthesiologist put some medicine in my IV that made me feel like I was going to pass out. This was the worst part. I already felt so light-headed from being so dehydrated and I told them I was going to pass out. They both just told me to relax and close my eyes. That's the last thing I remember.

Forty-five minutes later I was back in recovery. B was there and I heard him telling me he loved me. I barely opened my eyes and told him I was dreaming. Seriously, best sleep in a long time! I can't remember the dream, but it was good. It took forever for me to wake up. I felt so tired and just wanted to go back to sleep. The drug wore off quickly and I became more alert. We waited for the doctor to come and go over everything with us. When she did, she showed me the pictures she took of my esophagus, stomach, etc. Everything looked healthy. No weird growths or infections. So now we wait. We wait for the biopsy results. She took several in different places to rule out cialiacs and crohns disease, as well as h-pilori bacteria, among other things. I will hopefully know something by Friday, but it could take as long as next Wednesday.

I tell you, friends, I am so glad that day is over with. I think I thought that once it was done that my pain would go away, but it hasn't. My weekend was spent on the couch watching Vampire Diaries. I'm obsessed! B has been so wonderful in taking care of me. So, we're almost done. Almost to the finish line.