Tulo's Home

In many ways, Tulo is home. I am still surprised we were able to take him home the night of his accident and I am certain now that he knew this is exactly where he needed to be to heal and rest. Tulo has always been a creature of comfort, always trying to get up on the couch or the bed. His boney body has always sought out the most comfortable spot in the house be it in his kennel or in the living room. I knew his coming home meant that he would want to be out in the living room with us which is where we spend 95% of our time (not sleeping). We have a play yard gate from when Logan was younger that we use when we're somewhere with stairs. This has worked out perfectly as Tulo's secluded and safe yet right-there spot near us and he's resting so comfortably.



I have been washing towels twice a day to ensure that whatever he's laying on is nice and clean to help prevent any risk of infection. Those towels are spread out over his comfy bed, the one which he knows the smell of and is most happy with. I have a few other towels laid out to minimize any bloody drips on the carpet. He still has a drain in his leg until Friday and while it is not constantly dripping blood it is draining as it should, especially when he stands and gravity takes place.

Tulo has been eating and drinking so well! He takes all his meds (3 of them) with the help of a tasty pill pocket. Tonight we let him wander around the house for his sanity. He was SO HAPPY! He could not stop wagging his tail and giving kisses. Butte was so happy her brother was out of his area. She has no idea what to think about what is going on with Tulo but when we're outside she can smell his drain, blood and can see the fact he is not himself.

Only a few more days until the drain comes out and his dressings are changed again. I cannot wait until the staples come out of his leg. It's hard to look at and you can tell it's starting to itch. Should be next week sometime. Again, thank you for all the love and prayers you've been sending us! I have been so exhausted I'm sick again! AHH! Oh well...here's to health all around!

The One in Which Tulo Jumps Through a Window

**Warning: there is one graphic image posted below of Tulo post-surgery.**

Our day started out just like any other working Sunday. My alarm went off three hours too early as the last few nights we've had a lovely house guest who has been taking me back to my late night college days. I readied myself. Logan was stirring in his room but was perfectly happy, allowing me time to fix my hair, brush my teeth and let the dogs outside to pee. B was also waking up and as soon as I was ready he hopped in the shower. I brought Logan his milk, changed his diaper and washed dishes.

I was already running late and after kisses and hugs I was out the door. Clocked in at 0659, logged on, turned Adele on Pandora and waited. And waited and waited and waited for SOMEONE to come into the hospital. Three mamas in labor and a few clinicals later I glance up and there's B motioning for me to step out of my office. His face is drained of color, his shoulders are hunched forward and I instantly get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Logan. I ask him what's wrong and he says, "Tulo had an accident". While relief flooded over me that my dear Logan was safe and sound I was instantly confused. "What kind of accident?"

And then B explained. We had a close friend Amy babysitting (and my friend C from out of town still sleeping) at our home. She was in the living room on the floor playing with Logan. Tulo was nearby and suddenly bolted down the hallway and out the window. No joke. Honestly, we don't even know if that was the real reason he jumped through a solid-panned window. Something may have scared him, although Amy says there was nothing strange going on outside. We'll never know the real reason.

Amy quickly went into fight or flight mode, handing Logan off to C while she loaded Tulo into her car and dashed him to the emergency vet. B met her there. They've both said how calm Tulo was acting. He wasn't crying, rather he was giving kisses and wagging his tail, a sign of shock and adrenalin heavily running through his system.

The staff at the emergency vet quickly went into action, taking Tulo into the back and giving him some pain meds as they began to clean him up. At first look the most sever injury was to his right hind hip, a laceration nearly 9 inches long from his hip down to his knee and nearly 4 inches deep into the muscle. Upon further investigation once he was under general anesthesia the surgeon discovered Tulo had also severed his tendon. Only as I've read through what kind of injury this is today have I learned that healing a tendon is a very long, painful process. Thankfully it was a very clean cut and they were able to repair it. This means Tulo has to wear a cast, as if the tendon is a broken bone. The length of time is unknown but at least 6 weeks with 2-4 dressing changes in that time frame. Once the cast is off he will have to do some physical therapy. I have no idea if it will be therapy we can do at home of if we'll have to see a professional.

Tulo coming out of anesthesia, very drunk looking here.

Made it home! Resting in a comfy area we made for him. He also sustained lacerations on his left paw and lower leg which is seen wrapped in this photo.

The laceration covered with lidocaine patches and cast covering the severed tendon. On his front leg seen here is another patch covering a laceration and his nurses drew hearts on the tape. LOVE THEM!

But as I sit here and listen to Tulo whine I am full of thanks. Thanks that it was not worse. He could have lost his leg or even died. Had Amy been totally alone it would have taken twice as long for Tulo to get to the vet so I'm thankful for our friend C for being there to watch Logan, which was a spontaneous, unplanned visit to begin with. I am thankful that Tulo was strong enough to come home with us tonight and that his doctor trusted us to take care of him as his pain comes and goes. I am so thankful for all our family and friends who instantly began to pray, send happy thoughts, and condolences to us via facebook, text, and voice mails. I love you all. You've held us up as our spirits sank. I'll update in a few days.

 

Superfast Jellyfish

I'm in LOVE with The Gorillaz Planet Beach album and as the title suggests, this is just a superfast update in bullets.

• Logan is sick again. Make that FIVE times since May.


• He weighs 22.6 pounds (10th%) and is 34" (80%) tall!


• I love my job. It's wonderful and only when Logan has been up all night and I've been visiting with an old college friend do I have a hard time coming in.


• I have been updating my Midwife 101 blog 2-3 times a week now. I just posted a book review. Check it out.


• I'm bummed that the photo I entered last week was not even a honerable mention. THOSE EYES. Wow...bummed.


• My bestie bought me The Help for my kindle and so far I am loving it.


• I am looking forward to: having all of next weekend off, labor day weekend (sun,mon) off, the Hanson concert on Sept 17th, and fallish weather.

On Losing our House

Yep. You read that right. We're going to lose our house. This has been one of the hardest decisions that B and I have had to make in our nearly 3 year marriage. Living with my parents has been a blessing, but it is not fair for any of us to continue having a lack of privacy and space invaded. With no clear end in sight we made June 29th the deadline for the bank to give us an acceptance letter and now that we are 5 days away from that date we have not heard a word. We're heartbroken. Buying our first home has been a goal since the day we said "I Do". This house, based on our current needs and wants, was going to be perfect for us. No upgrades or improvements needed. A park in the front yard. A fenced back yard for the dogs and Logan. A HUGE kitchen for me to cook in. Three spacious bedrooms. No complaints!

The short sale process has been a nightmare. I would NEVER recommend this to anyone. Ever. No matter how great the house is. That is, unless you have the time and financials to wait. We don't. We cannot wait any longer simply on a prayer that we *might* get an acceptance letter whether it's next week or next year. We just can't keep holding out.

The plan, as June 29th approaches and soon passes, is to find a house to rent. There's more to this and as this date comes and goes I will share more. Thank you to everyone who has been keeping this entire process in their thoughts and prayers. It's just not meant to be.

Blackout

>Several months back I paid a visit to my doctor for a check up. We chatted about the normal womanly things you chat about at such an appointment. After much trepidation I finally blurted out my growing issues with anxiety. BUT--there was no way I was going back on meds, at least meds I'd have to take every day. We discussed a few options, all with the grand side effect of sleepiness. I chose Clorazapam, a drug which can be taken as needed. I have taken it a hand full of times, each time being worse than the last. I was prescribed 1mg and after the first two times of taking it I started to split it in half. I did not like how I felt more than drunk and was almost embarassed by the loopy mood it would put me in. No worries though-I always took it at night once Logan was in bed and B was around to keep me from falling into walls. Seriously, that is how serious this drug is.

So a few nights ago I was feeling terrible. I'd had a rough day and needed something to take the edge off. I rarely resort to alcohol for something like that unless I am actually in a good mood and want to relax like most normal people. Anyway, I took one pill and waited. The wait is not long. Within 20 minutes I am slurring my words and wobbeling around. The med also causes me to feel very tired but not knock-me-out tired--until the other night. I was so excited to watch 19 Kids and Counting. It had been MONTHS since I had seen an episode and the moment I sat on the couch I leaned over to lay down and was out. Literally, blacked out. I remember very breif things like watching the Duggers ski in Colorado and hearing B and my mom comment on how the med made me so tired. That's it.

Now when it comes to drugs and alcohol I am very conservitive. I had my fun in college with alcohol and even then I've NEVER blacked out. I have never been so drunk that I have forgotten details of an evening. Ever. This freaked me out. B told me in the morning that he kept checking to make sure I was still breathing. REALLY?! I was that out of it that my husband was scared for my life?! That's just not right.

I have not taken another pill since and I don't plan to again. If I really need to then I will split it in half. The one time that I did do that I felt great. Not even tired. It took the edge off just as I had wanted and I was still able to enjoy a movie.

I'm only sharing this because it has been on my mind for several days. I am embarrassed as if I had been binge drinking and passed out drunk. I literally felt wasted and I don't like that feeling. Drugs are no joke and I know that the dosage is just too high for me. My anxiety is very circumstantial which is why I won't take anything daily.

If you have taken this medication what has your experience been?

house update

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Words escape me as I try to figure out how to sum up the last week and a half. Our first week living with my parents has not been without bumps in the road, but I believe we're get past any initial issues. It's like a college dorm room without the 3am undie runs and late night trips to Denny's. Our schedules are all different and we all seem to be able to do our own thing without disrupting others' plans too much. I'm optimistic that our time here will be good, however I am getting rather nervous about this entire short sale process.

We started our home-buying adventure six months ago and if you asked me then if I thought it would take more than six months to move into our new home I'd tell you you're lying. Ha, goes to show how much I know about buying a home! I suppose this is almost like becoming a parent for the first time. You have all these preconceived notions about how everything will go, what you will and won't do, and expectations but once you begin the process everything changes. Buying a home is no joke, which we knew, but we know very little about the short sale process. Now that we are in the thick of it, I can say we are still naive about it, but willing to learn. What sucks is our realtor does not seem to know very much about short sales so getting the info we need is challenging.

We want this house and we want it bad. It's perfect for our little family and well worth the wait. I just hate to think that we could be living with my parents for more than a month or two, for both of us. It's more than a blessing to be here and without my parents help I'm not sure what we would be doing.

So cheers to them for opening our homes and please send prayers that we get a closing date very very VERY soon!

Holding Back

>Ahh. I feel like I need to word vomit all over this page, for everyone to hear and feel what I'm going through, for someone to understand and walk beside me. But I can't. I mean...I won't. That is one of the downsides of having a public blog. I know I could very well get a private blog or just journal wherever, but I get so much joy out of actually sharing me with all of you, that writing for no one would not feel nearly as fulfilling or meaningful as to why I need to write.

A lot is going on. It's more than just being a working mom and more than leaving Logan. It's more than wanting to go back to school and more than finding other momma friends. So much more that if I allow myself to delve into it here and now, I may be making myself vulnerable to readers (unknown IRL readers, of course) who may not be ready for what I have to say.

What I WILL say, is that I am healthy. Am I happy? Not really...am I depressed? A little... am I going to be okay? Yes. It breaks my heart to say that I know more than a handfull of people who are struggling so much right now, for whatever reason, that it makes me wonder if the appocolypse is right around the corner (I kid...kind). But really...WTF God! I mean...EVERYONE has it hard right now and if you don't, I sure as heck hope you don't take anything for granted. My prayers are with everyone who has been going through tough spots and I thank you for praying over us. The bloggie bond is real and I feel so close to you, my readers. But there is a line I must not cross...not yet. HOWEVER, I would be more than happy to discuss things in a private email (in profile).

I want to lift each of you up this weekend as we head into the week before Christmas. I pray we are humbled by the reason, our Jesus Christ, and that we're all given peace in our troubles. Sometimes, I feel like all I do in my free time is pray and if you have ever felt like that, it's just as exhasuting as working! lol... Please have a wonderful weekend...we are heading out tonight on a DATE NIGHT to our company Christmas party. Today I have prayed that I will win a Kindle...shoot one up there for me! :)

Faker

>Today was one of those days where I just wished I could have walked away or pushed my "easy" button and been done with it.

I am faking the nice, smiley, happy-to-help, willing to bend over backwards, etc. face and should win an Oscar for it. I hate what I'm doing right now and I just want to stay home with my baby.

Hey, but at least I'm faking it, right?

Not a Happy Post

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If my last post was not enough of an indication that I am not feeling like my spunky self, let this one be it.

I am in one of the worst funks of my life right now. Everything feel right and wrong all at once.

I am so proud to be a mother.

I love Logan more than anything.

Logan's smile picks me up but lately it is barely enough for me to push everything else aside.

Work is a disaster right now. People are dieing, people are leaving. I effing sucks. Nothing is consistent. Communication sucks. I have no desire to be there.

I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally.

I cry almost every day.

I actually can feel how depressed I am. It's like anxiety, but a much bigger void. Hard to explain. Don't worry, I have help. I talk to someone. And as soon as I can get my butt out the door, I'm running.

I just want us to have more money. I want to find something that I can do to make money and be with Logan. I am just....ugh.

Until I get things figured out, I am taking a break from blogging. All this is just too personal for me to share with everyone right now. I'll come back when I'm ready.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 28

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Something That Stresses Me Out

How fitting that I am sitting here at 4:47am writing a blog about something that stresses me out. My baby stresses me out. He went to bed too early last night and now with the time change, his little body thinks it's 5am, when really dear son, it is actually 4am. My sleep and stress this week has been so terrible that getting up this early I already have the sleep deprived head ache. Ugh.

I am easily stressed out by just about anything, however, to get me worried or pissed takes a lot. My biggest stress right now is not having money that we can spend right now. Not that I want a ton of things, but it's just knowing it's there and available if I did. This is obvious, I know. Everyone stresses out about money.

Being a working mom, as you may have gathered from my previous posts this week, has become a huge stressor. I hate leaving my baby. I enjoy working. But I hate leaving him. In a perfect world he would come to work with me OR I would just not work at all.

The Problem

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I had a beautiful post of all the songs for day 24? and it was pefect and I even had matching lyrics, my favorites, of the songs that appeared on my random shuffle when all of a sudden blogger pooped out on me. All my stuff disappered and that is why I screamed at blogger last night. So, this will sound odd being that I have been on here for over 2 years now, but do any of you NOT use the typical Blogger "new post" page and something else to write your post out? I have issues loading pictures, etc. I just wanna make it work!

PS. This week has been terrible and I hope and pray that by Sunday morning the week is anew and all is well. I have been up since 2:30am with a very sick little boy. Coughing and crying all night. We laid on the couch together. We slept tummy to tummy, but I really did not sleep at all. I dozed on and off until 6am when I had to get up. While it was the most exhausting night I've had since Logan was a newborn, only because I had to work all day, I did love feeling him breath on my chest, take his little fist and grip the collar of my shirt, and snuggle in close. I have seen so much change in Logan over the last few days. He has a fear of water now. He screams bloody murder if I even try to put him in the tub for a bath so I will try a shower tomorrow. I am sure the steam will help his congestion as well. Anyway, I have seen Logan's awareness of his surroundings and where I am grow ten fold and it is amazing to watch. I am so glad to see that happen. I want him to be aware of things and then it is my job to show him that the bath is okay and safe. But not tonight. Tonight he went to bed in the same clothes I put him in last night and now I am off to sleep. My eyes, if I let them, would probably bleed if I stayed up any longer.

Night friends.

SOMEONE ELSE IS RAISING MY BABY!!

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AM I SCREAMING LOUD ENOUGH? CAN YOU HEAR ME???

Aside from the three and a half hours I spent taking the hardest test known to man, I have been crying all day. I cried on the drive to the test as I listened to old praise songs I had not hear in years. I cried on the way home because...I don't know why. And then I cried all afternoon while I talked to my mom. And once those water-works began, there was no stopping them--until I stepped into my house and say a giant pile of doggie diarrhea on the floor. I quick laid Logan down for his nap and spent the next 20 minutes scrubbing my carpets. The stench totally threw me off my crying game.

So, why so sad Sarah? I am so angry. I knew why all along, but it was not until my sweet momma said it for me.

I'm mad that I have to be a working mom.
I'm mad that I have to spend my day making someone else happy, and not myself or or my son or my husband.
I'm mad that the person who's taking care of Logan while I'm working treats me like a child.
I'm mad that I am tired all.the.time.
I'm mad about our financial situation.
I'm mad that Tulo seems to have tummy issues every other week.
I'm mad that we have no money.
I'm mad about how mad I am.

I want to be happy. I put on a damn good face at work and for my friends and even my family. I'm done. My heart is too broken for me to keep pretending that everything is just peachy. I want, more than anything in the world, to stay home with my son. To be the only person, along side his daddy, raising my son. The only person witnessing all of his firsts: the first time he pulls himself up, the first step he takes, the first word he says with meaning. There is no other person worthy of those things...so why am I paying someone for it? We don't have a choice. I have to work. There is no other option out there. And then, I will be in school. Working on school full time. For some reason, the sacrifice of going to school so easier to stomach than it is to work. By the time I'm teaching, Logan will be in full time preschool and our schedules will be the same. I can't wait for that day to come. I never knew how hard it would be to be a working mom. It has certainly become one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure and it's just about doing me in. I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. So say some prayers.