Swans

I will do my best to retell this beautiful story, though my Aunt Dana is really the only person who can tell it perfectly.

Her family lives on the Bay, between the main land and the ocean. It's a beautiful location and after my grandfather died, she bought the house next door to her. A quaint, beach house became my grandmother's home. Sometime after she moved it, a white swan showed up, taking particular interest in the water just outside of both homes. She (or Dana??) half-heartedly said that was grandpa keep his eye on his girls. It made sense, as Dana had not really noticed the swan before.

Almost 4 years ago, my grandma passed away. This was a very hard, sad loss for our family. Everyone was so close to this amazing woman. Two years prior I had spent the summer with her, living in her home while I took care of my cousins during the day and the time we had was golden. The kind of experience most people don't get to have with a grandparent.

Shortly after she passed, two swans showed up. Did I just give you chills?? It gives me chills! And now, these two swans make almost a daily visit to say hello. They were so close to the boat ramp as I snapped these photos. There presence brought a feeling of peace, something which my grand parents were good at. And I just knew. I knew it was them. Checking in on all their grand children and handful of great grand children. Takes my breath away.

Nothing Short of a Miracle

Imagine the day you found out you were going to become a mother for the first time, or the second or third. Imagine the butterflies you felt, the smile you saw spread across your husbands face and the joy you felt every time your babe rolled around, telling you in his most special way that "I'm here". Thinking of these priceless moments brings tears to my eyes. Pregnancy was one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced, no matter how achy or huge I felt, it was all worth it.

On Saturday morning I arrived at the hospital promptly at 0655am (everything is in military time!). Moments later I received a call that a woman came into the hospital and delivered a baby so quickly we had no time to register her. A few hours later I was went up to have mom sign a few things and get on my way. In the mean time we had been hearing how crazy this labor was, but no details. As the nurse was giving me her room number I asked what had been so crazy about it. This mama had come into the hospital fully expecting to deliver a baby without a heartbeat. Two months earlier she was told her baby had no fetal heart tones. Imagine the pain she must have been feeling from the second she heard those words. You can't. I can't. I cannot even fathom how the blood must have drained from her head and how she probably cried every single day up until she felt the first pain of labor. You can only wrap your head around something like that so much without actually having experiencing and no one should ever have to experience something like that.

My heart sank. For a split second I felt faint and considered sending someone else in to have her sign the forms. But that was not the case. No, this mama, by the grace of God, delivered a HEALTHY, THRIVING, baby girl. She had perfect APGARS and did not even need attention in the NICU. I quite literally gasped. And then I laughed. Joy, relief. I don't know which had me in a fit of tearful excitement that this tragedy turned into the most incredible miracle I have ever heard of. Amazement. I knocked on her door, entered the room and smiled at her. Glanced at her mother holding her granddaughter and smiled again. Mama was beside herself.

And that is why I want to be a midwife.

Finding My Passion...At the Hospital

Working in a hospital has been wonderful. I'd like to point out that 5 years ago I never thought such a thing would even enter my mind. I hated hospitals. Anyone I'd ever known who'd been in the hospital was sick and/or died. I was just coming to the age where friends were starting to have babies. When I received news of a friend going into labor I could not wait to visit her. But wait. She was in the hospital. I instantly felt sick to my stomach. I called up a friend and begged him to go with me. We waited for the call that the little one had arrived and dashed over for a visit. Now that I have had a baby, I realize how crazy that is now! I'd never want that many people coming to see me after just having had a baby. Thankfully, my friend was way too excited, or so it seemed, to show of her new bundle and did not think twice about kicking any of us out.

The fear of being in a hospital quickly started to phase and I even went back the next day when things were less chaotic and I was able to hold her new daughter.

Since then, I have had a ride in the ambulance after fainting in the food hall in college, I've had a baby and spent several nights walking back and forth from the NICU to my mama room. I guess you could say I've become used to it. So when I started looking for a new job back in December, the hospital was the only place I was looking. Of all the places to work in town, this is by far the BEST place to work. Here or the school district or a brewery.

When I found out I had an interview I was shocked. This was not the first time I had applied for jobs with the hospital. I'd probably applied 50 times before over the last few years for random positions and all of a sudden within a month of sending my application in I had an interview. And then a 2nd interview. And then an offer. I was in the system! excitement flowed through me. B was so happy. It was just the kind of change our little family needed.

Now that I have been here 2 months as of yesterday I can honestly say I love it here. I never want to leave. In fact, rather than going back to school to be a teacher, something which I have always felt I have even had to convince myself was the right thing when really, I knew teaching was not what I wanted to do, I will be going back to become a Certified Nurse Midwife. Yeah. Can you believe it?! When I go back is still up in the air. B wants to get his teaching certification first and then I will start with some pre-recs for nursing school, get my RN and then begin my midwifery fellowships. Yes, this is going to take YEARS for me to accomplish but I could not be more excited. I know that if I don't do this now that 10 years from now I will be wishing I had. Whereas once I finish school 10 years from now I will be delivering babies.

After lots of prayer and finally getting a great feel for the hospital lifestyle, meeting and talking to labor and delivery nurses, whom I see multiple times a day to admit laboring mamas, I am certain that this is exactly when God intended for me to find my passion. Sure, it would have been nice to have known when I was in college. I think I was supposed to have a child and really know what it was like to go through pregnancy, labor and delivery, and even experience what the NICU is like for me to truly feel led to join the women's health field. I'm almost 27. I don't think it's too late. Really, it's never too late.

Happy Easter

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(Logan, one year ago on Easter)

We're not big fans of the bunny in our house. In fact, I did not even decorate this year. Not because I didn't want to, but because everything is packed. Next year, in our new home, will be wayyyy different. But still, we're not fans of the Easter bunny. That is not at all what Easter is about to us. Jesus is Easter. And this year, as every year past, we celebrate his resurrection. I pray blessings to you and your families.

Happy Easter! He IS Risen!!

Become a Miracle Maker

>Words cannot express how thankful I am to have a healthy child. It's one of those things and can sometimes be taken for granted. You don't think about how blessed you are to have a child to sing with, dance with, smile with, read to, rock, nurse, take to the zoo....the list is endless. Of course you feel it every time you look into their eyes and watch them sleep. But sometimes, we don't think about it. Today, I'm asking you to think about it. Think about how your child rests his head on your shoulder to give you a hug, think about how your child can walk and run without abandon, think about the smile they get on their face when you tickle them or sing a silly song.

I became a Miracle Maker for the Denver Children's Hospital Network. Denver Children's is quickly becoming one of the best children's hospitals in the country. Logan has been there, way back in September when his fevers would not subside. Little did we know that was one of his little quirky traits, having a higher basal body temp. But having been a concerned parent, fearing the worst for my sweet baby boy I know the power of this hospital, of the people who work there and the children who don't get to come home. We were lucky. We got to come home. However, I know that if anything happened to Logan, big or small, and he needed a hospital that Denver Children's would not be a second thought.

So today I made a pledge to donate $15 a month to the miracle network and I could not be happier. I could not be happier to help the next child who is not lucky enough to get to go home right away, the child who needs multiple surgeries and blood transfusions. It's so hard to think about anything happening to your baby. But that is why there are these amazing facilities with doctors and specialists who will do everything they possibly can to heal your child. Want to help? Follow THIS link.

If you make a donation today, whether it is a one time or monthly, please leave me a comment. THANK YOU!!

The Marriage Confessions: Day 2 Your Spiritual Connection

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(One of my most favorite photos from our wedding ceremony. Pastor is blessing our rings as we pray with him.)

It is no secret that I love Jesus and praise my God daily. I am constantly praying throughout the day:

“Please God, keep me safe as I travel to Denver.”

“Please God, lead me to making the right choice.”

“God, thank you for your guidance and love.”

“God, please ease my mind and anxiety.”

I constantly pray for safety, healthy and guidance. And just as much I am always giving thanks for the blessings in the day that I am given.

When B and I first started dating, our spiritual connection was not important. I know that sounds bad, but for whatever reason it was just something we kind of avoided. But not for long. I learned that B is Catholic to my Methodist. I am not going to get into all the semantics of either, however, the important thing to note was that B was not a practicing Catholic. He only went to Mass with his father and since we met while in college, that was not very often.

I, on the other hand, had a pretty strong spiritual walk and even if I did not go to church every weekend, I loved my Jesus and did what I could to learn and grow closer to Him. Bringing the two of us together spiritually took some time. I did not want to be pushy and B was kind of stiff about the whole idea of going to church with me. Any of the SUPER Christians (insert: sarcasm) I knew in college would have immediately sent him home and moved on. I was willing to wait and do what I could to find out why he was a little lost.

According to the Bible (and I am not one to quote versus because I don’t know them, just general ideas, so I won’t), the man is supposed to be the spiritual leader. Well, the man is also supposed to smack his wife around and I’m not cool with that. So the fact that I was and still am spiritually stronger than B is no big deal to me. Since we started to dating nearly 4 years ago, B has grown leaps and bounds as a spiritual husband. He no longer shies away from talking about our believes and values. We pray together. We go to church together. And we have 100% committed to raising Logan to know his Savior. We want nothing more than for Logan to be a strong man of God, much like his daddy is becoming.

So how is our spiritual connection? Before I can answer that, it must be said that our spiritual walk together will always be growing and changing just like our personal walks. Currently, our spiritual needs are on the back burner. Sundays are our only family days and we are perfectly happy spending the day at home watching football. We pray together, but not often and we hardly ever read the Bible. This is hard to admit. I wish it were different. I wish we were better. But that just gives me reassurance that we have a lot to strive for, when we’re ready. It’s safe to say we are a little lazy about our spiritual connection as husband and wife. What doesn’t change is that we do rely heavily on our Jesus to lift us up and I know that B prays as much as I do. I know that we are only as strong as we are together and that we have a lot to work on.

How are you and your spouse spiritually connected? How do you stay disciplined to read and pray together? What do you need to improve?

Will you pray with me??

>I hate writing a post like this. It means that something bad has happened and all us prayer warriors out there need to get up on our steads and make a loud rumble. Do you all know Courtney over at Project Pretty?? She is such a beautiful, talented person with a huge love for all fabrics and Jesus. I have been following her since we Wedding Bliss days and she needs us to pray!!

Go on over to her blog for the details, but the simple jist of it is that her awesome husband was in an eletrical accident yesterday which burned 50% of his body and he has a 70% chance of survival right now. He is in a medicated coma and will be for several weeks. I am in tears writing this!! I cannot imagine the pain they are both going through right now. Please lift them up today, several times over and over, to pray for healing and guidance from the doctors. I have no idea what I would do if I got a phone call like that about B. Let's pray!!

Dead and Gone

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**part 1**

I work with seniors. I work with people who have lived through the most incredible changes our country has ever seen. I work with people who's age is 80 something and who play like 8 year olds. I work with people who complain about the food, the wash, the games, the movies, the everythings. I work with people who give hugs freely, share memories, and give unsolicited advice. Nothing is harder than saying goodbye to any one of these people. Not because they moved out, but because they moved on. My heart has never hurt so much in one weeks time. My heart has never seen the kind of pain I saw yesterday, the kind of lifelessness that smokes out a room, the kind of ringing in your ears when you realize that the Queen Bee is not just sleeping deeply, she's sleeping forever. Nothing can prepare you for death except when it is expected. Nothing can prepare you for death when it is the least expected thing, the least expected person and only God knows why it was that time. Only God knows why she was witty and happy, yet tired and slow, the very day before he took her into His arms. Only God knows why I was the one working yesterday, the one who was to see her name show up on my list of those who had not checked in yet, the one who was to knock softly on her door, say her name, hear silence in response and find her there, but gone. Only God knows why it was me. And I have no idea, still, but never has there been a week seen full of trial and shock.

**part 2**

As I shook her arm, shouting her name and thinking "she must be sleeping deeply", I felt a wave wash over me with the simple realization that something was not right. I dialed 911 and as my support arrived to help me, I fell to the floor shaking. The phone was taken from me. I looked up at my manager and he shook his head at me, quietly saying in the most obvious way that she's not with us anymore. I felt my ears get boxed. I felt my chest collapse and I felt my arms and legs go numb. I heard one say, "get her out of here" as I was lifted by my arms and dragged into the hall and then again to the other room. Sobbing and panic do not even come close to how I was reacting. I felt like I was outside of my body watching a movie from above, watching this woman fall apart while another lay lifeless in bed. Finding a friend like that is the single most horrific thing I have ever seen and experienced in my entire life. It was the worst day of my life, to date. I tried to think of something worse, but what is worse than finding a dead body? Nothing. Whether old, young, middle aged, nice, mean...whatever.

**part 3**

I sobbed over my managers shoulder, smearing his collar with masquera, asking him if there really was no pulse. Nothing sank in until the EMTs arrived and I heard one tell the others, "Code Black. Stand down." It was as if she was sitting next to me and a peace finally came over me. No, not peace, but a presence. I felt her leave the room through her open patio door and never before had I known that was indeed her spirit's breeze. I sat on her couch and let myself calm down. I left her room after a few minutes and as I headed down the hall back to my desk I saw tears in the eyes of her friends and other employees. An earthquake rocked our world and the ground literally felt uneven. I hugged everyone. No one could believe what had happened and no one could believe I had to be the one to find her. Everyone told me to go take a break and while I knew I needed to eat something, I also knew that taking a break would just throw me back into the panic I was trying so hard to escape. So I sat down and did the best I could to get through the day. I did not do one lick of work but answer phones and greet people with puffy red eyes and a scratchy throat.

**conclusion**

I put myself at risk everyday to find a fallen resident or one like our Queen Bee. There are protocols and I did everything right and at the end of the day, I could not help by feel embarrassed. I also then felt that was quite silly. But until you go through this, you never know how you'll react and what you will do. The fact that I was able to get enough words out to 911 that there was no pulse was in and of itself a feat. I later learned that she had been gone for several hours. The image of her, both smiling at me 3 days earlier as we played bingo together and the look she left in her sleep, will haunt me for a very long time.