Monday, November 1, 2010

SOMEONE ELSE IS RAISING MY BABY!!

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AM I SCREAMING LOUD ENOUGH? CAN YOU HEAR ME???

Aside from the three and a half hours I spent taking the hardest test known to man, I have been crying all day. I cried on the drive to the test as I listened to old praise songs I had not hear in years. I cried on the way home because...I don't know why. And then I cried all afternoon while I talked to my mom. And once those water-works began, there was no stopping them--until I stepped into my house and say a giant pile of doggie diarrhea on the floor. I quick laid Logan down for his nap and spent the next 20 minutes scrubbing my carpets. The stench totally threw me off my crying game.

So, why so sad Sarah? I am so angry. I knew why all along, but it was not until my sweet momma said it for me.

I'm mad that I have to be a working mom.
I'm mad that I have to spend my day making someone else happy, and not myself or or my son or my husband.
I'm mad that the person who's taking care of Logan while I'm working treats me like a child.
I'm mad that I am tired all.the.time.
I'm mad about our financial situation.
I'm mad that Tulo seems to have tummy issues every other week.
I'm mad that we have no money.
I'm mad about how mad I am.

I want to be happy. I put on a damn good face at work and for my friends and even my family. I'm done. My heart is too broken for me to keep pretending that everything is just peachy. I want, more than anything in the world, to stay home with my son. To be the only person, along side his daddy, raising my son. The only person witnessing all of his firsts: the first time he pulls himself up, the first step he takes, the first word he says with meaning. There is no other person worthy of those things...so why am I paying someone for it? We don't have a choice. I have to work. There is no other option out there. And then, I will be in school. Working on school full time. For some reason, the sacrifice of going to school so easier to stomach than it is to work. By the time I'm teaching, Logan will be in full time preschool and our schedules will be the same. I can't wait for that day to come. I never knew how hard it would be to be a working mom. It has certainly become one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure and it's just about doing me in. I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. So say some prayers.

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