Melt down

As I mentioned last week, it was a tough one. In short, there will soon be seven people living under our roof. That includes B, me, and Logan. Seven mouths to feed and probably seven loads of laundry a day! And the dishes, beds, toys, and late night chats of seven people...I am excited, anxious, nervous and ready for this life change.

I thank God every day for the blessing of our home. Being first time home buyers has been great for us and now I see the bigger plan he had in mind. He knew we had to expand our hearts and fridge space and this is how he prepared us for it.

So, who are the four other people joining us in less than two weeks? None other that my nearly sister-cousin and her three wonderful children. She has had to make a life decision for herself and her kids to move them here with us and we could not be more happy to open our home to them. We don't know how long they will stay, but we will keep them as long as we need to. In all honesty, I am thrilled that she is finally moving back to Colorado! We have been so close our entire lives and now we can raise our children together.

But....I am nervous. How will we adjust? How will this affect Logan? Who's going to cook? How messy will the house be? Maybe these are silly things to worry about, but it is our daily life that will change and we want nothing other than a positive outcome for all of us. I love Her dearly. She is one of my most favorite people and I know that together we will ensure that the transition for our kids is a good one. Logan is essentially getting three playmates! How cool is that?

Why is not important, but I do feel a personal meltdown coming. Not a bad one, just a moment where maybe I'm standing in the shower and it hits me, I sob and move on. At least that is how I hope it happens!

In other news, Logan had the most epic melt down at the school book store on Thursday night over a damn sucker! So here I am, paying for my books and logan is wailing in the stroller and this lady next to us says to him, "oh honey just wait a minute and she'll get it for ya!" o_o are you kidding me? I about strangled her! My kid totally understands what that means so he, of course, just cried harder! I said ha, no I'm not, paid and left as quickly as possible. I almost had a melt down with him.

getting started

Today was my first official day without gluten. What's amazing is how aware of food I have become and I'd be lying if I said this did not cause me some major stress and anxiety. The last few days I spent scowering sites about becoming gluten-free, how to shop, printing out lists of foods not to eat, foods to eat...I mean my head was spinning in this mess of changes

Normally I welcome change with open arms. This change, however, is asking me to divorce all the foods I love. I have not cried yet. Logan has been fighting a cold and that distraction has prevented me from loosing my shit all over the place. BUT, I'm sure it's coming. The worst part I'm sure is not cheating. Our hospital makes the most amazing cookies everyday and it's all I can do not to eat one!!

One of the blogs I stumbled upon made it very clear NOT to do two things: do not make a list of all the things you CAN"T eat, rather a list of the things you can and do not go out and buy every gluten-free product on the selves, especially at an expensive store, like Whole Foods. I had already started doing the first, making a list. My memory is not what it used to be pre-baby and it will take me time to remember what's okay and what's not. Shopping was an easy one. Our grocery store has gluten-free foods on every aisle. If you're looking for GF pasta, then it will be on the pasta aisle. I like that AND I'm sure it's a little cheaper than the organic markets. Still, it's a few extra dollars.

Logan and I headed to the store this morning because the only thing I could eat in the house was eggs and I needed more! Don't forget, I am also avoiding dairy which is what all the GF sites say is just fine. Well, for me it's not. Shopping went well and I only picked up a few things like cereal and pasta, staples in our home.

Today I only had some pains in the afternoon after a nap. This is what I ate:

• tuna mixed with relish, mayo, salt and pepper with a pickle (no crackers or bread)


• avocado with salt and pepper


• a piece of mint gum


• mashed red potatoes with white gravy


• GF 7 layer bar

So far, no pains tonight. I really just think it's a fluke BUT if no pains is from me eating GF, then PRAISE THE LORD!

a troubled tummy

I have not received my official diagnosis from the (lack of) findings from both of my procedures, however, I did read my pathology report. Just call it one of those perks of working in a hospital. As I said before, my visual reports were good: healthy and normal. No ulcers, polyps, cancer, etc...which is all good news. And, honestly, what I expected.

It's been over two weeks now and that "7-10 days" for results rule is out the window. So I read my own report, which is not breaking any rules (goodie-two-shoes here!), and the only diagnosis I found among all the medical terminology is that I do have some form of GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease). It's like acid reflux, but worse and in my case most likely chronic. Again, I have not been given my official diagnosis. This is just what I know from the report. More good things: I don't have Celiacs, Chrons, of H-Pilori bacteria, among other stomach-related diseases. I'm so glad for that.

BUT.

I still want an answer!! GERD is not curable, rather, it's managed by very strict dietary changes. I also suspect IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) or it's evil twin Irritable Bowel Disorder (IBD). I'm not sure which is which and what the differences are, but neither are curable either. Changing the way I eat along side medication (at least for now-until the pains subside) is what I'm going to have to do. There is still a chance my doctor could call on Tuesday and say none of the above and diagnose me with something else, or nothing at all and continue tests. I'd really like an of my gallbladder, just to be sure.

So this is where we sit. I've been mentally preparing myself for major dietary changes and when I say major I mean MONUMENTAL. 98% of the things I eat now are irritants. Irritants of GERD, IBS, IBD, and so on...nothing I've been eating as been good for me, even if you and everyone else might consider it healthy (ie: a salad).

Here's a taste (pun very much intended!) of what I have to avoid. And just for kicks I will also be eliminating gluten. Why? Well...why not?? I know a hand full of people who do not have celiac but some other ailment and going gluten free has improved their issue.

No...

• caffeine


• chocolate


• alcohol


• soda


• acidic foods


• spicy foods


• milk, cheese, yogurt, etc (no lactose, period.)


• wheat/barely


• fermentable foods (watermellon, avocado...)


• sugars (glucose...)


• anything deep-fried/breaded (french fries, boneless chicken wings)

Doesn't that look like fun!! :::enter sarcasm:::

Thank you, my dear readers, for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers through this whole mess. I truly hope that once I get things under control that I will be a much better, happier person and blogger. I'm not inspired to write about anything else for now. Until then I will keep you all updated on how things turn out. There is always a chance that none of this will work and that something else is going on. I hope that's not the case.

Have a great weekend!

we'll figure it out

I've been hearing and saying this a lot lately.

We'll figure it out.

This season in my life, in my marriage, in my motherhood has taken me up and down on a roller coaster.

My sense of fear is strong and it's all I can do to have greater faith in what's bigger than me. I'm not ready to write deeply, but...we're figuring it out and when we do maybe then I'll let go of that fear.

A year ago today....

>Just a fun little post while I am in packing/cleaning/moving hell. Here is a post and a pic from a year ago. Enjoy and Happy Friday!!

(I did not write anything between the 14th and 23rd last year so here's a pretty good post. But first, a pic from 1 year ago:

May 14, 2010 “Boy do I have a treat for you! A FREE manual to parenting! Honestly, it will tell you eeevvveryhing you need to know when it comes to caring for that new little one of yours. Spit up? Weird poop? Inconsolable crying? Just use the index and you’re on your way!”Now, wouldn’t that be wonderful, to have a hard copy that says yes do this, no don’t do that, and why they hell would you think of something so crazy! I mean really, parenting is supposed to be easy! OMG, I wish y’all cloud see me smiling and laughing right now. I’ve only been a parent for a little over 3 months now and I am already eating words I voiced months before I became a parent of “I will nevers” and “This is the only ways” and so on…Well, the other day while eating lunch with a few coworkers, they were asking me how things were going. Three of the four people sitting with me were mothers. The forth person, bless her heart, has been trying to have a baby for next to 4 years now. I pray for her often and have made suggestions to her try certain things BEFORE doing any fertility treatments and I think she is having a hard time taking me seriously since the first time we officially tried to get pregnant, we did. This is one of those things you don’t tell someone who has been trying to have a baby for so long. So I didn’t, but she gets to sit and listen to me talk about how amazing my baby is…Anyway, I am not sure of the specifics of our conversation at the time, but somewhere in there she started to tell us (the mommas) about this parenting manual she and her hubs have about how they are going to raise the children the have someday. I could hardly contain myself, as I laughed, thinking of all the things I said I would never do and how I would do certain things one way. And now, now that I am that parent, how breaking those so called rules is so easy to do, especially out of sleep-deprived desperation. She was a good sport as we all laughed and said “Good luck with that!”. It just made me reflect on so many things I would talk about pre-baby. Even regarding our birth. As a first time mom, it was hard for me to take anyone seriously who was trying to tel me to be open-minded about our birth plan, about sleep habits, breast-feeding vs. formula feeding, etc. For example:While I was totally aware of my lack of pain tolerance, I was determined to have a pain meds free birth and well, back labor is a bitch so bring on the epi!I swore up and down that if I was hungry during labor, I was going to eat. Well, come labor you’re really not hungry anyway and that cherry Popsicle was the best damn Popsicle I had ever had! Never was I ever going to let my baby sleep in a swing at night. Well, when it is the only position baby is comfy in and you’re running on 2 hours of sleep, the kid is gonna sleep in the swing! People told me to sleep when the baby sleeps and I kept thinking, ha, I won’t be thattired…ha, I have never been so tired in my life!I would never take my kid to daycare, and I still haven’t, however I considered it when we were two weeks away from my going back to work and we still had no sitter. We would have paid more for childcare than I would have made working so…not worth it. Vaccines. A very loooooooonnnng time ago, even before B and I were married, I believed vaccines caused autism and that has since been totally bunked (and if you disagree with me, sorry). Well, in the last year I went from thinking I would not be vaccinating my babies to feeling strongly about doing so, only on a slower more drawn out schedule. Reasoning here deserves a whole other post all on it’s own. There’s more, but these are the things I can remember. All I know is that there is no such thing as a parenting manual and even if there was one, it would not work on every baby. It may even work one night and not the next. Babies are so unpredictable and our thoughts and believes, while with good meaning, can become unpredictable too. I love what I am learning as a parent.

SOL

>

Yeah.

So long story short: we have no child care starting on Tuesday. Our sitter did not accept the changes we needed to make to our schedule because it means one less day for her and saves us $200 a week and so her last day was yesterday. I have been trying everything to find child care. Home daycares in town have no space for a child under 1, daycare centers are too expensive, and I cannot find one decent human being on craigslist.

I called a home daycare this morning and wanted to meet her this afternoon. I dragged my mom along with me as she has been in the early childhood business for 20+ years and would know what kind of "red" flags to look for. Well, the simple fact that as we drove up to her "house", a mobile home, should have been the first obvious red flag, but I did not want to instantly judge the situation and give it the benefit of the doubt. Bad move. We walked inside and the TV was blaring Hannah Montana. There was an older boy in a chair, a girl (maybe 5) running around with make up all over her face, an infant in a car seat that another older child was rocking on the kitchen floor with their foot....it smelled. Bad. Like a mix of smoke and just plain old dirt. The lighting was terrible. There were no infant toys and in no way was this place even close to child proof.

Then there was the so-called provider. She's not licensed. In Colorado, if you do not have a license to have a home daycare, you are only allowed to care for one FAMILY. The licensing in CO is pretty strict. There are two different types but the same rule applies that you cannot have more than 2 under 2 or 2 under 1. I asked her what she fed the kids and she said chicken nuggets and hot dogs. Ummm hot dogs are a huge choking hazard! How many years had she been doing this? 10 years of course. She did not offer to show us around (not that we wanted to see any more!). I sat on the couch and THERE WAS NO COUSHIN! My tush landed on the wood in the seat. Yeah, that was nice.

So I guess that was longish. I have no idea what I am going to do. I may just have to take some time off next week to figure things out. Who knows. Please pray I can find someone, or, something for me. This is so frustrating. Although, after walking away from this so-called daycare today, I was actually laughing. I could not believe anyone would take their children to this home! Even out of desperation would be just too much. OMG...

Anyway, have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!