Bad Dream

Two nights ago I had the most terrifying dream about Logan. Oddly, Logan rarely ever pops up in my dreams, if I happen to remember them. Not sure why, but I always love it when he does. But not this time.

My dream started out with me at work in the hospital. I was in the birthing center chatting with a resident. I reached over him to grab a pen and he said "excuse you!" very rudely. I walked away and suddenly I was in a huge warehouse, like a Home Depot of sorts. There were people everywhere, none of which I knew. Suddenly, I realized I'd lost Logan. Like I forgot he had been with me and then realized he was no where to be found.

I panicked. I was running around everywhere calling his name and asking people if they'd seen him. For some reason I remembered him wearing an orange hat (we don't own an orange hat) and it seemed that every kid I saw was also wearing an orange hat and I could not distinguish if one was Logan or not.

All of a suddenen he walked past me, older, maybe four, and in slow motion we made eye contact and kept walking past each other as if I was truly loosing him. I immediatly snapped out of it and grabbed him and he was back to his small, helpless two-year-old self melting into my arms as my face was on fire from the fear and tears.

I woke up yesterday morning and that dream rocked the rest of my day. I could not focus and I felt this impending fear that something bad was going to happen. Logan and I went to his two year well child check up, which was a nice distraction, and then we had lunch and I took a nap when he went down. I woke up from a dreamless sleep in a much better emotional state, though still shaken.

One of my greatest fears is loosing Logan, no matter in what capacity be it in a crowd, accident, whatever. I know every mother has this fear but the dream seemed to bring some kind of reality to the possibility of something so tragic happening that still has me in a fit of worry. I know why I had that dream. Anyone watch One Tree Hill? I LOVE this show, but the season has started off really crazy and ever since becoming a parent, it is very difficult for me to watch or read anything about children disappearing or being injured, etc. In last weeks episode Brook's hub leaves one of their twin boys in the car on a hot day. He just totally forgot he had the baby with him as he shopped around town and then it ended with the baby heading to the hospital for heat exhaustion. Terrifying! I cried my eyes out, as I am sure this senarior is also a fear that many mothers have. Accidents happen, but if I ever did anything like that I don't know how I could ever forgive myself. The dream was a weird way of me dealing with the emotions I had about that stupid tv show. Yes, I still love the show, but I hate that it had to throw in a story line like that.

Have you had any scary dreams about your children? How did you deal with the fear and anxiety from it?

"Living in Fear" or "I'm Not Greek"

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I'm not a Greek nor am I Greek. However, it is my lifes dream to go to Greece someday. To touch that glassy-blue water and climb the narrow roads. But this has nothing to do with Greece. This has to do with being Greek, as in the Greek societies at colleges. It has to do with fear and not doing something because of it. I am not a Greek and every once in awhile, I get asked if I am, or was one. NO. I'm not. I never wanted to be and here's why.

While in high school, initiations really started to become something more dangerous than fun among the Greek chapters in our town (I live in a college town with a major university). Kids were even doing it in high school once you joined a sports team. I grew up getting picked on most of my life for a number of things and I was not about to subject myself to that kind of cruelty. That sounds harsh, using the word "cruel", but that is what was going on.

I was never Greek because I was afraid. I never joined school sports because I was afraid. That sounds so damn silly now because a huge part of me wishes I had been more involved in something. Looking back, I would have loved being on yearbook and cross country. I am trying, very slowly, to become a runner. I am trying, very slowly, to stop living my life in constant fear. Constant anxiety and fear that something bad might happen. It's like crying before you're even hurt. It's pointless and only makes me ache and stress more. B has been a huge support in helping me relax more and just worry, if I must, about right now, not tomorrow or the next day.

Five months ago the fear I lived in was so crippling I had to seek help. I had to talk to someone and take a mind-altering drug to calm my fears. Most of those fears revolved around being a new mom and 99% of which I had absolutely no control over. Slowly, I have learned that living in fear of the what ifs and maybes is not at all how I want Logan to know me. I want him to know me as a strong, confident momma who is driven and smart. Someone who is not afraid of the dark or the monsters in the closet. I have a long road ahead, pushing through those fears and being confident in the lack of control that I have. That control is not mine, but His. He is in control of our lives and it is the hardest thing in the world to get down on my knees and trust that.

As of last Wednesday, I have been off my meds, cold turkey. I don't believe in side effects, at least not for me. I have done this twice now with two different drugs and neither time did I experience the withdrawal symptoms that come with weaning off of a medication. I feel great about this decision and it is 100% without any medical guidance. I am my own guidance and I am in control of the fear now.