skinny love

Bon Iver is my most favorite thing to listen to right now. Birdy, a youtube gal, covered his song and it's beautiful! His song Skinny Love is my fav and seems fitting for how things are with me right now.

I'm too thin. This is not news to me or anyone else, but I cannot even remember the last time I was 120 pounds. It has to be my first year of college which, if I'm counting right, was nearly TEN years ago. I hate how things don't fit well and how self-conscious I feel about it. Everyone compliments me and says nice things, but then they also say stuff like "you NEED that cookie-eat up girl!" and I say a quiet prayer that the cookie will help me gain some weight, but it doesn't.

This battle with my health has reached a breaking point emotionally. I'm done being angry, I'm just sad now. The pains are controlled with drugs for now and as soon as I can I will wean myself off. For now, that could be a year away. I'm seeing a nutritionist next week to make sure I'm getting enough calories and figure out how I can gain some more weight. I'm very tall and based on height and weight I'm underweight by at least 10 pounds. I felt best right around 130 which is where I was when B and I got married. My clothes fit well, I felt great and healthy. So that's my goal.

But never in my life have I ever felt so sad about food. It feels like divorce. I've never had one and both my parents are married, but I have friends and other family members how have gone through it. Giving up things I love like cheese, red onions, and buttermilk pancakes has me in tears. I broke down on Christmas Eve. We were on our way to a family party and I knew that there would be very little I could eat. I'd made deviled eggs and brought strawberries for dessert. I knew I could have those, but not all night! I managed with yummy meatballs and fresh veggies but OMG my heart was breaking when I saw the queso. No queso for me! Or the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzels we got in a gift basket? Nope.

I've always had the kind of metabolism which has allowed me to eat whatever I want without gaining too much. The most I ever ate and gained weight was of course when I was pregnant. Now, I'm holding on to 120 pounds without letting one more pound slip off. This is not how our society thinks. I'm sure there are people out there who would scoff at me for complaining about how thin I am but they don't know me. They don't know that eating has become a dreaded chore for me, that I cry when I think about how I might never figure everything out that's bad for me and continue to live in pain. That scares the shit out of me.

A friend once pointed out how ironic it is that we as humans almost idolize food and how that is one of the 7 deadly sins (glutney) and yet I'll bet people are thinking way more about their next meal or snack than they are about anything else (like praying). I start thinking about dinner first thing in the morning, before I've even eaten breakfast!

Thank you, friends, for sticking with me through this mess. It means so much to me to have the love and support from all my family and friends. On December 30th it will mark one year since this all started. A whole year.

words

(our front window covered in ice!)

• I have a cough that will not go away. I think I'm on day five or six. At night, I feel like I'm dying from all the coughing and no amount of nyquil or tylenol cold medicine can keep it at bay (not taken together, obviously).


• I'm drinking coffee, yo. For the first time in over three months I am sipping on a caramel latte. I'm hoping all the meds I'm on will allow me to enjoy it without pains.


• I've been pain-free for FOUR WHOLE DAYS NOW!! Thank goodness for meds! (I'm not usually all about meds. In fact, I've avoided taking them for some time now and boy am I glad I changed my mind!).


• B is super sick. Fever, aches, and overall yuck. Taking care of him and Logan and our house all while I'm not up to par either is soooo hard! I'm pretty sure that if I put my head down I'd pass out right here. Hence, another reason for coffee.


• Logan did not puke again on Saturday so we are 100% positive it was motion sickness. I had it when I was younger on long, windy car rides.


• It' is BELOW 5* outside right now. SO COLD!


• I have something really cool brewing in my head about a charity I want to start contributing to. As soon as I'm able, I will share those deets with everyone because I will need your help as well! More on this later (hopefully by Jan 1st).


• A new post will be up soon on my midwife blog about losing all the fear you have about pregnancy and childbirth so that you can *try* to get the exact birth you and your partner are hoping for. I'll post a link when that's up.


• And that's all. Have a great Tuesday friends!

almost done

Sorry I've kept you all hanging. This was a rough weekend. Friday was my procedure. In case you forgot, I had a colonoscopy and an upper endoscopy. Thursday morning I had my "last supper": one egg over medium and biscuits with gravy. YUM! That was at 9am and for the rest of the day I drank a lot of water and some chicken broth. By the afternoon I felt very hungry. When I get hunger pains, it increases the general abdominal pains that are already there so I was miserable from then on.

I will spare you all the other details of the evening. I was so dehydrated I felt delirious, dizzy, nausious...when I don't eat I get super low blood sugar and even the sugars in the vitamin waters was not enough to make me feel better. I literally felt sick. I was able to get 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which was nice. I was not expecting that. B got up with Logan so I could sleep until it was time to leave. I managed a shower and some hellos to B's mom who so graciously came up to stay with Logan so B could be with me. Seriously, I have the best mother in law.

We were late. I hate being late. But we had to get gas and drive across town to the surgery center. My head was pounding and even though it had been 26 hours since I had eaten anything, I wasn't even hungry. B was asking me where I wanted to go eat after and I settled on Noodles. Nothing like comfort food to make me feel better.

I checked in and waited. Here is where the anxiety of being drugged to sleep started to wonder into my thoughts. I continued to pray and hold B's hand. He reassured me that everything would be okay and I had to start believing it because there was no going back. The nurse came to get me and B sat with us while she went over a few things. Then he was excused and I was left to undress (totally!) and wait some more. I had an IV placed in my hand and the best part was that she numbed the area BEFORE putting the IV in. I felt nothing. The anesthesiologist came and talked to me about my history and what to expect. Everyone was so calm and reassuring. I was rolled back to the room, nothing more than a glorified office with a giant TV screen. We waited for the doctor to arrive. She was so kind. As she was talking to me, the anesthesiologist put some medicine in my IV that made me feel like I was going to pass out. This was the worst part. I already felt so light-headed from being so dehydrated and I told them I was going to pass out. They both just told me to relax and close my eyes. That's the last thing I remember.

Forty-five minutes later I was back in recovery. B was there and I heard him telling me he loved me. I barely opened my eyes and told him I was dreaming. Seriously, best sleep in a long time! I can't remember the dream, but it was good. It took forever for me to wake up. I felt so tired and just wanted to go back to sleep. The drug wore off quickly and I became more alert. We waited for the doctor to come and go over everything with us. When she did, she showed me the pictures she took of my esophagus, stomach, etc. Everything looked healthy. No weird growths or infections. So now we wait. We wait for the biopsy results. She took several in different places to rule out cialiacs and crohns disease, as well as h-pilori bacteria, among other things. I will hopefully know something by Friday, but it could take as long as next Wednesday.

I tell you, friends, I am so glad that day is over with. I think I thought that once it was done that my pain would go away, but it hasn't. My weekend was spent on the couch watching Vampire Diaries. I'm obsessed! B has been so wonderful in taking care of me. So, we're almost done. Almost to the finish line.