on my diet

I met with the dietitian last week. I had been looking forward to the visit since I'd made the appointment two weeks ago. My insurance had already approved four visits for me and I could not wait to get more answers.

B got the time off work so he could join me. I am so glad he was there. It is very difficult to relay all that information, as I will try to do here, and since he was there the communication and understanding is clear.

I went into the meeting expecting her to tell me all the things I should and should not eat, along with the list I'd already started. In educating myself about lactose intolerance I believed that there was next to nothing that didn't contain even a trace of milk or whey protein. It's in so.much.stuff. What she told me, however, is that while there is lactose in bread (for example), the amount of it in a single slice is minimal and the chances of that tiny amount affecting me is next to none. And I know this to be true. I can eat a turkey sandwich no problem.

I shared what my regular diet consists of. I'm lacking heavily in my fruits in veggies, which is hard because berries, peppers, tomatoes...these all affect my GERD, especially if I don't take the prilosec. I also learned I'm 15 pounds underweight. FIFTEEN people!! I'm 5'9'' and 120 pounds (nekked) or 123 clothed. The plan is to increase my calories all while trying to gain healthy weight. She is not expecting me to gain 15 pounds, but to get to a healthier weight in which I feel better. My personal goal is not a certain number. It's the same as hers. I felt best right around 130-133. My clothes fit great and I had more energy. She wants me to eat at least 6 times a day. Three full meals and at least one snack in between each meal, including a snack before bed time.

Speaking of meds, the prilosec is really the only med I must take and if I take it later in the day it seems to throw my entire system off. I feel a huge difference in taking it and know it is helping with both the GERD and IBS. I'm also taking a probiotic. I'm not feeling a difference one way or another, but the dietitian indicated that it could take several months before that has a true effect on my symptoms. Lastly I take a tummy relaxer. I've only needed to take it once a day, usually in the evening when I can tell the prilosec is wearing off. I can take it up to 3 times if I need to and won't. That shit backs me up bad and since I'm done to one a day things are much better.

Overall, I am encouraged. I'm doing a 6 day diet study. Our next visit will go over all the specific numbers with that study and possibly help narrow down where certain symptoms come from. The last two days have been great. But I know that this is not a quick fix. My history shows that I have 2-4 good days and then a bad day in between. Hopefully those will become fewer as my diet becomes more controlled.

skinny love

Bon Iver is my most favorite thing to listen to right now. Birdy, a youtube gal, covered his song and it's beautiful! His song Skinny Love is my fav and seems fitting for how things are with me right now.

I'm too thin. This is not news to me or anyone else, but I cannot even remember the last time I was 120 pounds. It has to be my first year of college which, if I'm counting right, was nearly TEN years ago. I hate how things don't fit well and how self-conscious I feel about it. Everyone compliments me and says nice things, but then they also say stuff like "you NEED that cookie-eat up girl!" and I say a quiet prayer that the cookie will help me gain some weight, but it doesn't.

This battle with my health has reached a breaking point emotionally. I'm done being angry, I'm just sad now. The pains are controlled with drugs for now and as soon as I can I will wean myself off. For now, that could be a year away. I'm seeing a nutritionist next week to make sure I'm getting enough calories and figure out how I can gain some more weight. I'm very tall and based on height and weight I'm underweight by at least 10 pounds. I felt best right around 130 which is where I was when B and I got married. My clothes fit well, I felt great and healthy. So that's my goal.

But never in my life have I ever felt so sad about food. It feels like divorce. I've never had one and both my parents are married, but I have friends and other family members how have gone through it. Giving up things I love like cheese, red onions, and buttermilk pancakes has me in tears. I broke down on Christmas Eve. We were on our way to a family party and I knew that there would be very little I could eat. I'd made deviled eggs and brought strawberries for dessert. I knew I could have those, but not all night! I managed with yummy meatballs and fresh veggies but OMG my heart was breaking when I saw the queso. No queso for me! Or the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzels we got in a gift basket? Nope.

I've always had the kind of metabolism which has allowed me to eat whatever I want without gaining too much. The most I ever ate and gained weight was of course when I was pregnant. Now, I'm holding on to 120 pounds without letting one more pound slip off. This is not how our society thinks. I'm sure there are people out there who would scoff at me for complaining about how thin I am but they don't know me. They don't know that eating has become a dreaded chore for me, that I cry when I think about how I might never figure everything out that's bad for me and continue to live in pain. That scares the shit out of me.

A friend once pointed out how ironic it is that we as humans almost idolize food and how that is one of the 7 deadly sins (glutney) and yet I'll bet people are thinking way more about their next meal or snack than they are about anything else (like praying). I start thinking about dinner first thing in the morning, before I've even eaten breakfast!

Thank you, friends, for sticking with me through this mess. It means so much to me to have the love and support from all my family and friends. On December 30th it will mark one year since this all started. A whole year.