Bad Dream

Two nights ago I had the most terrifying dream about Logan. Oddly, Logan rarely ever pops up in my dreams, if I happen to remember them. Not sure why, but I always love it when he does. But not this time.

My dream started out with me at work in the hospital. I was in the birthing center chatting with a resident. I reached over him to grab a pen and he said "excuse you!" very rudely. I walked away and suddenly I was in a huge warehouse, like a Home Depot of sorts. There were people everywhere, none of which I knew. Suddenly, I realized I'd lost Logan. Like I forgot he had been with me and then realized he was no where to be found.

I panicked. I was running around everywhere calling his name and asking people if they'd seen him. For some reason I remembered him wearing an orange hat (we don't own an orange hat) and it seemed that every kid I saw was also wearing an orange hat and I could not distinguish if one was Logan or not.

All of a suddenen he walked past me, older, maybe four, and in slow motion we made eye contact and kept walking past each other as if I was truly loosing him. I immediatly snapped out of it and grabbed him and he was back to his small, helpless two-year-old self melting into my arms as my face was on fire from the fear and tears.

I woke up yesterday morning and that dream rocked the rest of my day. I could not focus and I felt this impending fear that something bad was going to happen. Logan and I went to his two year well child check up, which was a nice distraction, and then we had lunch and I took a nap when he went down. I woke up from a dreamless sleep in a much better emotional state, though still shaken.

One of my greatest fears is loosing Logan, no matter in what capacity be it in a crowd, accident, whatever. I know every mother has this fear but the dream seemed to bring some kind of reality to the possibility of something so tragic happening that still has me in a fit of worry. I know why I had that dream. Anyone watch One Tree Hill? I LOVE this show, but the season has started off really crazy and ever since becoming a parent, it is very difficult for me to watch or read anything about children disappearing or being injured, etc. In last weeks episode Brook's hub leaves one of their twin boys in the car on a hot day. He just totally forgot he had the baby with him as he shopped around town and then it ended with the baby heading to the hospital for heat exhaustion. Terrifying! I cried my eyes out, as I am sure this senarior is also a fear that many mothers have. Accidents happen, but if I ever did anything like that I don't know how I could ever forgive myself. The dream was a weird way of me dealing with the emotions I had about that stupid tv show. Yes, I still love the show, but I hate that it had to throw in a story line like that.

Have you had any scary dreams about your children? How did you deal with the fear and anxiety from it?

A Nightmare

>I am usually not very good at remembering my dreams. But last night was different. First off, it snowed like a banshee outside for a good 30 minutes and quit before I had to come home. My anxiety of driving home in what was sure to be black ice gripped me. I arrived home safely and quickly made my way to bed with B. We were both exhausted and I didn't even crack open my book to read. My head hit the pillow and there I closed my eyes and waited. I waited for sleep to overcome me and take me away to dream land. It was two whole hours before that happened and around 12:45am Logan woke up crying. I tried to let him cry himself back to sleep for a few minutes but he just got more desperate for me to rescue him. He had vaccines on Friday night and our Saturday was a rough one (hence the exhaustion).

I rocked Logan back to sleep without feeding him and laid him back down. Thirty minutes later he was crying again. I made a quick bottle and he ate it quickly. At this point I was delirious. I had a head ache setting in and my eyes stung from the lack of sleep. I tucked myself back into bed and B said, "good job Sarah". I smiled silently and quickly fell asleep.

What came next was more than just a bad dream, but a nightmare. I was driving around with B somewhere in Denver. It was somewhat familiar and we were suddenly on a roof, sitting in chairs under dark lighting. He was leaving me. I was desperate. I kept begging him over and over to stay with me. I never asked why, which is odd when there did not seem to be any reason. All he kept saying in the dream was "no, I have to go" and I could not stop sobbing. Though the setting was odd, the dream felt horribly real. Logan woke me from the dream around 6am and I felt so confused. I was confused, waking up next to B, realizing the falsehood of the dream. I tended to Logan once again and he went back to sleep. I snuggled in closer to B and told him right away what I had dreamed. He instantly comforted me, telling me it's okay, nothing like that would ever happen and I know that is true. He would never leave me. I would never leave him. But for some reason the dream took a hold on my consciousness that defined my attitude all day. I was snappy and cranky with B and almost mad at him without any good reason. I had to stop myself several times and tell him how sorry I was, that it has to have been the dream that has caused me to be so grumpy with him. He was so understanding and sweet. I have the most incredible husband and I hate that I had such a horrible dream.