This post will serve as a way for me to do an emotional brain dump and to also share what's been going on. Many of you know me IRL and that's awesome. You're amazing friends and I love you all so much. And those of you who have been blogging pen pals--you're all amazing too. So here I go, sharing my heart.
As many of you know, I have struggled with anxiety for a very long time. I always feel like I'm on a roller coaster where I have high days and low days, days where my anxiety is through the roof, nearly debilitating and days when I forget it's even there (those days are rare). Over the last few months I've come to a tipping point, a point where I feel like I've been in a constant state of panic, anxiety, worry and depression.
I believe it started to get worse a year ago when my stomach issues began to take over. I feel like I've always had a bit (a lot??) of hypocondria and instantly worry and jump to the worse case senario, although I never (rarely ever) act on it. But the stomach issues were real. After months of testing and finally coming to a few diagnosis, I thought I was in the clear. But emotionally, I had kept the stress pushed down and bottled up, always attempting to put on a tough face and get through it.
Then, four weeks ago, I began to have a new lower abdominal pain. It came out of no where. On the fifth straight day I finally went to the doctor, leaving work early fearing the worst (appendicitis, ectopic pregnancy, ovarian cyst, kidney stones, etc...). After blood tests and ultrasounds I was deemed physically healthy. All of the above had been ruled out and I was shocked. How could I be "ok" and in this much pain?! The pain meds, for the first few days, worked but soon stopped and it was a night out with B just to grab some groceries that changed everything. I had been in pain, took some meds and felt them working, but the pain was still present, full force. I broke down, so frustrated that there was something wrong with me, that I was going crazy. How could this pain be so real to me but causing no physical, obvious issue? I felt alone and even more anxious and confused.
With B's guidance and constant support, I decided to see a counselor. Maybe if I talked about the stress and anxiety I'd been pushing down for months (years??) would help me heal, both physically and emotionally. I've been twice now. I cry my eyes out. I barely get three words out and I'm a mess. I'm surprised by how little I realized this was affecting me. The last time I saw a counselor a few months after Logan was born I never cried. Nothing I talked about made me feel that emotional or upset. Now, I see that I'm emotionally unhealthy and that releasing that stress through therapy has been and will continue to be very helpful.
But that's not enough right now. Articulating how sad, anxious and depressed I've felt is really difficult and I'm finding that I can't. I have lost motivation to do just about anything and when I get something done it takes all the effort I can muster to do it, especially through this mystery pain that comes and goes. I lack energy and a general state of happiness that I miss more than I can convey through words. And that is why the counseling is not enough. Four days ago I started taking cymbalta. It's for anxiety, depression, and pain. People with chronic pain take it and while it won't take it away completely, it is greatly minimized. While I think I have chronic pain sometimes (a month long is hardly acute), the medication should take care of all three issues no problem. I have no idea how long I will take this, as I have no idea how long I'll continue counseling but what I do know is that I look forward to where these things will take me, how I will be feeling in a few weeks and how that will affect me in the future. My counselor is awesome and I feel very comfortable with her, despite how difficult it is to talk about things. I really want these this to work and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little ashamed. I know that's silly and just one of the many humps I have to get over. It has taken me days to muster up writing this post, all while I wanted to share it right away. This is my blog, my journal and I love writing for all my readers, but I'm also writing for me. I've found great strength in the community that this has brought me and I hope it will continue to do that.
So there it is. That's where I'm at right now.
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