Thursday, April 23, 2009

>And then I got High...

>When I was in high school, I was one of the most naive kids you could have come across. My parents were very strict and while my mom talked to me about sex, drugs, and alcohol, they did an even better job of teaching me how wrong those things were to get involved with at a young age. I never touched a cigarette, had my first kiss at 16, never wore mascara until I was a freshman in college, and did not have my first alcoholic drink or have sex for the first time until I was 20. I am very proud to say these things. I also know that my parents were just trying to keep me from getting in trouble with the law and I made sure that my friends were not interested in those things either. That being said, I stayed away from parties and drugs my first three years in college.

When I met B in college our senior year, I knew that he smoked pot. And he knew that I was not a fan. He reaaaallllly liked me (who couldn't!) and brought his habit down to only smoking a few times a week. I never wanted to be around him if he smoked and this alone made him want to smoke less so that I would come over and hang out. This was never a huge issue until right before we got engaged. I was feeling like he should have quit by now. I had never tried pot before and could not understand how he could be addicted to it, even after only doing it maybe once a month by then. 

I got to the point where, if it was a special thing and he was hanging out with his friends, I would just blow it off. But still, in the back of my mind, I was hoping he would eventually just stop craving it.

Our wedding brought many of our friends together, even the ones B used to smoke with. Before leaving, B was handed a gift from a friend in the form of pot. I was unaware of this exchange until we were in our honeymoon suite and I am proud to say I was not even close to upset or offended. I was actually excited about trying it! I sound like a hypocrite, but I am most worried about getting caught with it and I knew camping was the perfect time to smoke for the first time.

Honestly, I don't get it.  I don't like it or the way it makes me feel (or not feel...) and I hate the way it smells. I am bringing this up because we continue to have mini issues about this subject. B wants to smoke and I don't want him to. Do I have the control to make him stop? I am being totally unfair and out of line? Should I just let him do whatever he wants to do? My main concern is that we want children soon and I want this habit kicked BEFORE our mini me shows up. He says he can do that. I know he can, but I don't think he really wants to. "But what if I go play poker with the guys? What if we go camping again? What if it gets legalized? What if..." all these senarios try to pull into acceptance of this habit and I am not going there. Not gonna happen. So, most recently, we have a compromise: B can smoke if I drink more than 2 alcoholic drinks. I rarely drink more than 2 so this is going to work out. B even feels good about it and that the longer he goes without it, the easier it will be to say he is totally done with this drug. 

I know it could be worse. I know that pot is next to harmless. But it is still illegal, it is still inhibiting, and it makes everything smell bad. I know most of you have tried this or even are regular smokers. That is fine. I am not here to judge and in fact, I really don't care. That does not change how I feel about someone (obviously). I love B and I know that he loves me and wants to make me happy. I want him to be happy too, so I am torn. It seems like the easiest answer to me, but B does not see it that way (yet). He will. I suppose I am wondering if you have issues with your husband/boyfriend on this level? It could be drugs, alcohol, caffein...whatever. Any suggestions and/or encouragements would be great! I feel like I am being a mean wife and I know that B does not think that, but I am a bit self conscious about it.

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