Thursday, January 21, 2010

>Meltdown Accomplished

After I put up my post, I felt a little better. I had not even cried yet and was feeling that just writing about how I felt was the therapy I had been looking for. Thank you to those of you who commented and told me I am not crazy. You're sweet. But I am sure you felt crazy at this point too.

So I was hanging out, watching TV, Bumping...and B called. He wanted to go over to a buddy's house and I asked that he come home because I had barely seen him all day and he was fine with that. I was in a pretty good mood and when he came in the door I greeted him with a hug and kiss. We sat back down and he mentioned that said buddy invited him to come over on Friday night. This is fine. I know the guy. But here is the problem, and what I am writing is written in confidence. If you know me IRL, then lets keep this between us, k?

When I met B nearly three years ago, I quickly learned he enjoyed smoking pot. I have never been tolerant of this leisurely, illegal activity and did not hold back in communicating that to B. In the those three years, this topic has really been the only source of our biggest fights, ones that I can count on one hand. We never fight. So over those years, he has really cut back and I am more tolerant of him smoking every once in awhile. I even tried it on our honeymoon. Meh, I can think of better things to do. Anyway, so he might smoke once a month or so, which is nothing and I am truly okay with that. Where the problem comes in is that knowing this buddy of B's, I knew he would be smoking with him. Fine, if I was not a week and a half away from my due date. I don't want B to be inebriated in any way, shape or form when labor kicks in. He even drank the last beer in the fridge last night so that when that time comes and we are ready to head to the hospital, we won't have to worry about that.
Well, I brought that up shortly after B mentioned visiting him on Friday. I asked that if he goes over there, that he refrains from smoking "just in case". He said, "oh yeah, I had not thought of that" and then 5 seconds later, "so I can't have even a hit or two?" And I fell apart. He understood what I was asking, and then tried to get around it. He was contradicting what he was saying and even got upset with me for "telling" him what he can and cannot do. I was not saying that at all. I even told him that if we were not so close to a baby arriving, I would have been fine with it. I would not have even brought the subject up.
So I started crying. And I couldn't stop. We made up and the subject was not even an issue anymore, but I couln't stop. I started thinking about all my aches and pains, how tired I am, how I have no idea what to do with a new was an avelanche. B just watched me crumble. The more I talked about the things on my mind, the more I cried. I have mentioned before that anxiety is an angry monster I have delt with for several years now that has reared it's ugly head on and off throughout the pregnancy. Well, he's back and now I have irrational fears about bad things happening. So I talked to B about those feelings and sometime around midnight I stopped blubbering. B held me, played with my hair (my fave!) and told me everything would be perfect and that I need to just pray and trust. So I prayed for peace and asked for strenght to trust. Two things I am not very good at welcoming. It is so hard, yet so important.

So I had my meltdown and I am SO tired today. All that crying has left my eyes burning. I slept so horribly. Worst night of sleep yet. The highlight was seeing my friend for lunch today. Again, being social is not a common occurance for me so it was nice to get out for a few hours. B is trying to fix our glider that keeps breaking at the base. I am ready to throw it out the window but he is determined to get it right this time. He is also picking up new shelves for our blue armoir in the nursery which I plan to paint over the weekend. But I am hoping labor starts soon so if I don't get to the painting, I can do it later.

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