jitters

They're back. I upped my dosing today and the jitters are back. It's such a weird feeling, being all shaky like I drank 5 coffees, which I'm certain would kill me if I actually did that. ;) The jitters, however, are not all that bad. I find that I have a ton of energy, I'm not tired and I know that in a day or so they will settle down. I will be able to focus better and just feel better.

The last few days have been great. Only a few times during the day has the mystery pain creeped up but it's quickly quelled. I still don't know what that means. I'm not 100% convinced YET that it's "all in my head", only because it is still there and I am still adjusting to the meds.

Counseling this week was kind of weird. I didn't cry (odd) and felt annoyed most of the time. Could have been because I waited 30 minutes to see her or that I was talking about something I've talked about a lot lately and I'm beginning to feel numb to it (however I cried about it later that night with B)...who knows. I'll be going to twice a month soon and I think that will be better for me.

Everything else has been good. Logan is jabbering like crazy! He is talking so much it's unreal. Most of what he's saying is jibberish but every 4-5 words a real word can be heard and we can kind of figure out what's he talking about. He's also been eating like crazy...he has two breakfasts in the morning, one at home and one at day care and then eats little for dinner.

Happy Leap Day!

lately...

• Logan is still sick, as is our entire family. I am so ready for spring, warm weather and open windows to air out all the grub that's sticking around.


• I had an awesome Oscar night with my parents and brother last night. It's a tradition in our family to make our picks and watch. This year was wonderful! I'm so glad The Artist won Best Picture. Totally deserving.


• B has brewed another batch of beer and last night the air lock popped off. There's a mess of beer in our 3rd bedroom but hopeful what's left is saveable.


• I'm going to make dog treats from the spent grains B used in the beer. I'll post when I actually get a chance to do that.


• I bought a lot of cookies yesterday at the store. I couldn't help it.


• yesterday was rough, emotionally. Lots of anxiety and I'm not sure why. Side effects from the meds have come down greatly. Mostly just nauseous, lack of appetite (alabit cookies!), and dizziness remain, but minimally.


• I'm looking forward to a quite week and oddly I can't wait to see how many babies are born on the 29th. That will be interesting.

rolling in the deep

This post will serve as a way for me to do an emotional brain dump and to also share what's been going on. Many of you know me IRL and that's awesome. You're amazing friends and I love you all so much. And those of you who have been blogging pen pals--you're all amazing too. So here I go, sharing my heart.

As many of you know, I have struggled with anxiety for a very long time. I always feel like I'm on a roller coaster where I have high days and low days, days where my anxiety is through the roof, nearly debilitating and days when I forget it's even there (those days are rare). Over the last few months I've come to a tipping point, a point where I feel like I've been in a constant state of panic, anxiety, worry and depression.

I believe it started to get worse a year ago when my stomach issues began to take over. I feel like I've always had a bit (a lot??) of hypocondria and instantly worry and jump to the worse case senario, although I never (rarely ever) act on it. But the stomach issues were real. After months of testing and finally coming to a few diagnosis, I thought I was in the clear. But emotionally, I had kept the stress pushed down and bottled up, always attempting to put on a tough face and get through it.

Then, four weeks ago, I began to have a new lower abdominal pain. It came out of no where. On the fifth straight day I finally went to the doctor, leaving work early fearing the worst (appendicitis, ectopic pregnancy, ovarian cyst, kidney stones, etc...). After blood tests and ultrasounds I was deemed physically healthy. All of the above had been ruled out and I was shocked. How could I be "ok" and in this much pain?! The pain meds, for the first few days, worked but soon stopped and it was a night out with B just to grab some groceries that changed everything. I had been in pain, took some meds and felt them working, but the pain was still present, full force. I broke down, so frustrated that there was something wrong with me, that I was going crazy. How could this pain be so real to me but causing no physical, obvious issue?  I felt alone and even more anxious and confused.

With B's guidance and constant support, I decided to see a counselor. Maybe if I talked about the stress and anxiety I'd been pushing down for months (years??) would help me heal, both physically and emotionally. I've been twice now. I cry my eyes out. I barely get three words out and I'm a mess. I'm surprised by how little I realized this was affecting me. The last time I saw a counselor a few months after Logan was born I never cried. Nothing I talked about made me feel that emotional or upset. Now, I see that I'm emotionally unhealthy and that releasing that stress through therapy has been and will continue to be very helpful.

But that's not enough right now. Articulating how sad, anxious and depressed I've felt is really difficult and I'm finding that I can't. I have lost motivation to do just about anything and when I get something done it takes all the effort I can muster to do it, especially through this mystery pain that comes and goes. I lack energy and a general state of happiness that I miss more than I can convey through words. And that is why the counseling is not enough. Four days ago I started taking cymbalta. It's for anxiety, depression, and pain. People with chronic pain take it and while it won't take it away completely, it is greatly minimized. While I think I have chronic pain sometimes (a month long is hardly acute), the medication should take care of all three issues no problem. I have no idea how long I will take this, as I have no idea how long I'll continue counseling but what I do know is that I look forward to where these things will take me, how I will be feeling in a few weeks and how that will affect me in the future. My counselor is awesome and I feel very comfortable with her, despite how difficult it is to talk about things. I really want these this to work and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little ashamed. I know that's silly and just one of the many humps I have to get over. It has taken me days to muster up writing this post, all while I wanted to share it right away. This is my blog, my journal and I love writing for all my readers, but I'm also writing for me. I've found great strength in the community that this has brought me and I hope it will continue to do that.

So there it is. That's where I'm at right now.

another anniversary

On Thursday, February 23rd, B and I will be celebrating five years together. And we've been kind of celebrating all week now, since Valentine's Day was last week. On Thursday night we visited with some family from out of town. We had a great meal and we only wish it could have been a longer stay!

Friday night we had a work party for B. We had a nice turkey dinner with wine and it was so nice for me to catch up with everyone. I used to work where he works and know just about everyone. I don't miss the job, but I certainly miss the people! It was a nice couple hours to ourselves with friends while my dad hung out with Logan. Those two kind of love each other. It is so cute! I love it.

Saturday I spent the entire morning cleaning, then picked up my brother as he was going to house-sit for us, and put Logan down for a nap. He spiked a fever when we got home. This kid is having a tough time kicking his cold. I am so ready for warmer weather! Thankfully, I have been spared by the germs in our house. B has also had a cold and I'll just go ahead and thank the hospital for my iron-clad immune system now. It's rock solid.

Saturday afternoon we left the dogs at home and headed to Denver. We dropped Logan off with his Mac and we were officially on our romantic weekend getaway!! I know, one night doesn't seem like much but it meant EVERYTHING to us!!

We checked into our hotel, which was beautiful. We had a 17th floor view of the Denver capitol. BEAUTIFUL!! Now, if you've stuck with my blog since the beginning you will know that our first date was at the ESPN Zone on the 16th Street mall. This is the best area in Downtown Denver and that was also where we had our first kiss. (awwww!) Well ESPN Zone was closed and in it's place opened up The Tilted Kilt, an Irish Pub akin to a glorified version of Hooters with WAYYYYY better food. We went there last year for our anniversary and loved it. It's by no means expensive, but we have made it a tradition now to celebrate every year around our anniversary. For the 2nd year in a row I got the pulled pork sandwich with cole slaw and I loved it!! I'm craving it as I type! lol B had a burger and I was too busy scarfing down my food to take a picture!

After dinner we headed to the theater to see The Artist. Friends, this film is incredible!! It's magical! B needed to do some convincing to get me to see a silent film but omg am I glad it didn't take much! Please, if you have a chance, you must see this in the theater. It won't be the same at home. I promise.

Our weekend was so fun! B and I needed time away, alone together so badly and I feel like our relatiship has been set on fire again. You know, that extra nudge into happiness again. We've always been happy, it's just so refreshing to go back to the way things were before we had a baby, even if it's just for one night. I love you B!

oh, you know...stuff

This update is loooooong overdue. I've had a lot going on between Logan being sick, celebrating his birthday, and a crazy week at work. Here comes the brain dump:

Despite the fact that Logan had croup all week, we still had a great time celebrating his birthday. We had a small family party on Friday night which was great! We spent the rest of the weekend recovering. More birthday pics coming soon!

I wrote a review of a book I am still reading and posted it on my Midwife blog. And guess what?? The AUTHOR left me a comment!! She liked my post! Read it HERE.

It snowed on Saturday. A good snow. We got more than we were expecting and I love it! Being in Colorado, we have this stereotype that it's snowy all.the.time. That's not true. First of all, it depends on where you live and secondly, we've had several dry winters the last few years. And when I say dry I mean less than 5 good storms where the snow sticks around for a few weeks, it stays cold, and doesn't melt by noon. We don't live in the mountains so the snow melts faster and it doesn't get or stay as cold. Logan loves the snow! When he says it, it sounds like he's saying "no" and he draws out the O sound. So cute.

Pinterest has been awesome to me. I have done SO much and here are just a few: 

Yarn Balls. I don't know what else to call them. I did these a few weeks ago and we finally hung them over Logan's bed. He loves it! The colors make the room pop. If you want to attempt this, here are a few suggestions:

1. Don't cut your yard into long pieces! This was my first mistake. It took THREE attempts for me to get this right. Just drag the yard out of your skein into your bowl of glue and wrap around the ball. You won't have stray ends you're trying to hide or tuck away.


2. Slather your balloon in vaseline before you begin. A friend suggested this and it was SO helpful! Getting it going is hard, the yarn wants to slip off and you're a big gluey mess. The vaseline helps prevent the yard from sliding off the balloon.


3. TIME! You need A LOT of time without a toddler to get this project done. After I figured out how I was going to do this, I made sure it was during nap time. Logan sleeps 3-4 hours. It took me an hour just to make the four you see there! I love how they turned out but I had no idea how time-consuming it would be.


4. Lots of glue. You need a lot of glue. I went through almost a whole bottle of Elmer's glue for 4 balls.


5. Hang dry. The 2nd attempt didn't work out because I didn't hang dry the ball and it dried great on one side, and mushy on the other.

Our Valentine's Day was awesome! One of the best I've had in a long time. I'm not big on the holiday, but despite how hard I try to resist it's hard not to have any expectations. So this year I just made myself not expect anything and it was perfect. We worked, B sent me a beautiful letter via email, and we spent the evening together. I made tortellinis, which were amazing, and baked asparagus (similar to THIS recipe). I added parmesan cheese and they were soooo good! Logan gobbled up his tortellinis and we thought all was great.

Then I remembered. There is cheese in the torts and I totally forgot! We have been testing Logan to see if he has a lactose issue and obviously I am lactose intolerant. But by the time I realized the mistake I made, it was too late. My stomach started aching but I was fine. I dealt with it. At 3 am, however, Logan woke up in pain. He cried for almost 4 hours straight, on and off between short bouts of sleep, from terrible gas pains. We didn't know right off that was the problem or how to relieve it. We were all miserable and had to work. B got some baby gas drops that those did the trick. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't freaking out. I was. Watching my kid writhe in pain was ripping my heart out. We knew it was his tummy, but we didn't know where or why. And then it dawned on me. The torts. Gaaahhhh! I felt terrible. I wasn't in good shape either but I can deal with it. Thankfully, the drops worked right away and I have a higher alert on for lactose/dairy items.

twenty-four months

It does not feel like I should be writing those words yet. How can my 6.6 pound newborn already be two years old?! Was it not yesterday that I was bulging, begging God to go into labor so I could cradle our sweet boy and finally declare motherhood? Nope. Two years now. Two years of absolute bliss, despite sleepless nights, sickness, his first boo-boo, the first time we left him with someone, going back to work, changing jobs, changing childcare...the list goes on. Two of the toughest, yet greatest, years of my life, molding into and adopting a new label: mother.

When Logan was born and as time escaped me, I felt for the longest time that those first 6 weeks were our hardest. I had a tough time healing and adjusting to the lack of sleep. But it got better and easier and now that he's two, those first 6 weeks were precious. So many changes occur, for both of us, and really are not all that bad.

There are certain things I do without a second thought. Changing a diaper, finding a paci under his bed, fixing him milk, making him laugh...all of which make both of our hearts grow just a little bigger, no matter how mundane it might seem, poopy diaper and all. The worst part about being a mother is that your heart is outside of your body. I can no longer think about life without thinking about Logan being in it. For someone with terrible anxiety, this can become bad at times as the worry I foster is not healthy, but I cannot help it. My heart is running around the room, chasing the dogs, pulling on the lamp cord, putting too much food in his mouth, taking a face plant in the snow, giving hugs, loving Elmo and trains, pronouncing "airplane" in such a way that only B and I know exactly what he's saying...

My Logan, my little wolverine, is the most exciting, precious, important, loving thing in my life (right there next to B of course!). I never knew I could love someone, this tiny piece of me and my soul mate, so much. I never knew I could become the mother I am today. It's thrilling and a little scary, but mostly amazing. I thank God 1000 times a day for blessing me with Logan and his daddy. Without them, I'd be lost.

***

Some fun facts:

• On February 2, Logan weighed exactly 26 pounds and is 35" tall.


• He wears 2T clothing (24 months is too short) and size 4 diapers


• He has nearly 80 words in his vocabulary, but only uses about half of those regularly


• He's still obsessed with lights.


• His first two-word sentence was "light on"


• He knows almost all his body parts (elbows and knees throw him off!)


• He can count to 3 with help.


• He can tell you how old he is.


• He started saying "yeah" instead of "uh-huh" when asked a question


• He sleeps in a toddler bed for about 10 hours at night and takes one 3 hour nap in the afternoon


• He hates not getting his way


• He loves everything else. Seriously. ;)

Two

Yesterday, Logan turned two years old. Mama and daddy took the day off from work so we could shower him with love and fun. I made homemade waffles and decorated Logan's with some frosting. We enjoyed an episode of Sesame Street, took showers and baths, and headed out. It was cold, but not nearly as cold as it was the year he was born or laster year (both -10* days) whereas we could handle 25* just fine. We donated a ton of DVDs to our local library (which, if you have DVDs to donate, I HIGHLY recommend! no consignment store in town will take them). Then we visited Lolly (my mom) at her school and enjoyed an awesome lunch at Chick-fil-A. They have the perfect play place (no ball pit-eew) and surprised us with a birthday ice cream treat. The funniest part? The manager wanted to give Logan a balloon but she could not find the key to the helium room. They have to lock it up so that the "teenagers don't suck it up and get high". We insisted that a balloon was not necessary and settled with a book (even better!).

We came home and tried to nap. Logan has been sick since Sunday and I knew that he had croup. That barking cough had begun but we wanted to see if it would work itself out for one more day. We attempted to take him to see The Muppets Movie but you know, he's two and wanted to run up and down the aisles rather than watching the movie so we left. We ordered Chinese for dinner and unfortunately, we all got very little sleep. Logan coughed all night long. This morning we took him into the doc and sure enough, he had croup. He got a steroid shot which should make everything better within the next 24 hours. I get two more days with my boy to love and snuggle all those sickies away. We have a party to attend tomorrow night to celebrate his birthday and we all need to be ready for the fun! Pictures to come later. It's nap time.

Birthday Cupcakes

In less than 2 days, Logan will be two. TWO!! Can you believe it, because I sure can't. The day I went into labor feels like yesterday. I can recall most of that day and his birth with such clarity that I really cannot believe that two years ago, he entered our world. He's made our lives a million times richer, brighter, happier and exciting. Pinterest has been a great help this year as I conjure up special ideas on how to enhance his day. I know he's only two and won't remember it, but we will and I want to be able to tell him one day all about his special 2nd birthday.

I love baking. Last year, I made THESE cupcakes. Tonight, I used the same recipe, minus the zest and plus the baking cocoa powder. For your mouth-watering enjoyment, here are some photos. Since we're not having a big party this year, I split the recipe in half and made twelve perfect cupcakes.

Mixing in the cocoa powder.

Logan licking the whisks, my most favorite part when I baked with my mom.

Ready for the oven (hint: 1/4 measuring cup was PERFECT for diving out the batter).

I wrote down the adjusted recipe...on a paper towel. Oh and since I've been lactose/dairy free, substituting almond milk has been made no difference in baking. I've used it in pudding, pancakes and waffles and all have turned out super yummy.

Logan watching his cupcakes rise.

DONE! B and I split one to taste--so good! I'll decorated them tomorrow night.

Bad Dream

Two nights ago I had the most terrifying dream about Logan. Oddly, Logan rarely ever pops up in my dreams, if I happen to remember them. Not sure why, but I always love it when he does. But not this time.

My dream started out with me at work in the hospital. I was in the birthing center chatting with a resident. I reached over him to grab a pen and he said "excuse you!" very rudely. I walked away and suddenly I was in a huge warehouse, like a Home Depot of sorts. There were people everywhere, none of which I knew. Suddenly, I realized I'd lost Logan. Like I forgot he had been with me and then realized he was no where to be found.

I panicked. I was running around everywhere calling his name and asking people if they'd seen him. For some reason I remembered him wearing an orange hat (we don't own an orange hat) and it seemed that every kid I saw was also wearing an orange hat and I could not distinguish if one was Logan or not.

All of a suddenen he walked past me, older, maybe four, and in slow motion we made eye contact and kept walking past each other as if I was truly loosing him. I immediatly snapped out of it and grabbed him and he was back to his small, helpless two-year-old self melting into my arms as my face was on fire from the fear and tears.

I woke up yesterday morning and that dream rocked the rest of my day. I could not focus and I felt this impending fear that something bad was going to happen. Logan and I went to his two year well child check up, which was a nice distraction, and then we had lunch and I took a nap when he went down. I woke up from a dreamless sleep in a much better emotional state, though still shaken.

One of my greatest fears is loosing Logan, no matter in what capacity be it in a crowd, accident, whatever. I know every mother has this fear but the dream seemed to bring some kind of reality to the possibility of something so tragic happening that still has me in a fit of worry. I know why I had that dream. Anyone watch One Tree Hill? I LOVE this show, but the season has started off really crazy and ever since becoming a parent, it is very difficult for me to watch or read anything about children disappearing or being injured, etc. In last weeks episode Brook's hub leaves one of their twin boys in the car on a hot day. He just totally forgot he had the baby with him as he shopped around town and then it ended with the baby heading to the hospital for heat exhaustion. Terrifying! I cried my eyes out, as I am sure this senarior is also a fear that many mothers have. Accidents happen, but if I ever did anything like that I don't know how I could ever forgive myself. The dream was a weird way of me dealing with the emotions I had about that stupid tv show. Yes, I still love the show, but I hate that it had to throw in a story line like that.

Have you had any scary dreams about your children? How did you deal with the fear and anxiety from it?