a year in photos

January: We hunkered down at home, staying warm and playing often!

February: Logan celebrated his 1st birthday!

March: I spent some time with my bestie, sis-in-law and mom-in-law at my aunt's paint shop in Denver. Wine and painting? Yes please!

April: A dream came true! I met Hanson, my childhood (and adulthood!) favorite band.

May: We moved in with my parents and on a rather warm day, my child flipped someone off! lol

June: Crazy-hot month! We took Logan to a local farm where it was nearly 100*.

July: B and I took a date down to Denver and saw Gavin DeGraw at a free show. It was so much fun!

August: We went to New West Fest for the 3rd year in a row! This marks Logan's 2nd concert in his life so far.

September: Another really warm month for us! Logan and I played at the children's garden.

October: Logan was a very serious dinosaur and quickly figured out how the whole trick-or-treating thing works.

November: I didn't take any pictures! AHH! I know right?! So this photo is from September of B fly fishing at the lake.

December: I had my first newborn photo shoot! It went well and I got some lovely shots!

Happy New Year everyone!

skinny love

Bon Iver is my most favorite thing to listen to right now. Birdy, a youtube gal, covered his song and it's beautiful! His song Skinny Love is my fav and seems fitting for how things are with me right now.

I'm too thin. This is not news to me or anyone else, but I cannot even remember the last time I was 120 pounds. It has to be my first year of college which, if I'm counting right, was nearly TEN years ago. I hate how things don't fit well and how self-conscious I feel about it. Everyone compliments me and says nice things, but then they also say stuff like "you NEED that cookie-eat up girl!" and I say a quiet prayer that the cookie will help me gain some weight, but it doesn't.

This battle with my health has reached a breaking point emotionally. I'm done being angry, I'm just sad now. The pains are controlled with drugs for now and as soon as I can I will wean myself off. For now, that could be a year away. I'm seeing a nutritionist next week to make sure I'm getting enough calories and figure out how I can gain some more weight. I'm very tall and based on height and weight I'm underweight by at least 10 pounds. I felt best right around 130 which is where I was when B and I got married. My clothes fit well, I felt great and healthy. So that's my goal.

But never in my life have I ever felt so sad about food. It feels like divorce. I've never had one and both my parents are married, but I have friends and other family members how have gone through it. Giving up things I love like cheese, red onions, and buttermilk pancakes has me in tears. I broke down on Christmas Eve. We were on our way to a family party and I knew that there would be very little I could eat. I'd made deviled eggs and brought strawberries for dessert. I knew I could have those, but not all night! I managed with yummy meatballs and fresh veggies but OMG my heart was breaking when I saw the queso. No queso for me! Or the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzels we got in a gift basket? Nope.

I've always had the kind of metabolism which has allowed me to eat whatever I want without gaining too much. The most I ever ate and gained weight was of course when I was pregnant. Now, I'm holding on to 120 pounds without letting one more pound slip off. This is not how our society thinks. I'm sure there are people out there who would scoff at me for complaining about how thin I am but they don't know me. They don't know that eating has become a dreaded chore for me, that I cry when I think about how I might never figure everything out that's bad for me and continue to live in pain. That scares the shit out of me.

A friend once pointed out how ironic it is that we as humans almost idolize food and how that is one of the 7 deadly sins (glutney) and yet I'll bet people are thinking way more about their next meal or snack than they are about anything else (like praying). I start thinking about dinner first thing in the morning, before I've even eaten breakfast!

Thank you, friends, for sticking with me through this mess. It means so much to me to have the love and support from all my family and friends. On December 30th it will mark one year since this all started. A whole year.

remember this

Remember:

• how Logan bangs on his door in the morning while saying "mama" & "milk" at the same time


• how he climbs into bed with me and nuzzles his head into the crook of my arm as I cover us both up


• how when I ask him to do his eyebrow trick he looks at me with the most beautiful smirk on his face and instantly bursts out in laughter at how talented he is


• the way he gently wraps his hands around my head and looks me straight in the eye without saying anything


• the way he  falls over in a fit of laughter from chasing the dogs around the house


• how we read Where the Wild Things Are and how he points out Max, the dog and the moon on every page and shouts "No!" when Max does


• the way he giggles in his time out chair and says "hi!" over and over, hoping to flirt his way out of time out


• the way I can convince him that a cracker is a cookie


• how big his heart is for me, always giving love and hugs


• how much he loves his daddy


• how he throws well with both hands


• how he climbs up my legs so I'll hold him


• the way he counts with me (I say one, he says two, and we both say three)


• how he loves playing peek-a-boo and hide-n-seek


• when I rock him before a nap and he reaches up to my face and names all the parts


• how entranced he is with lights, any light, inside or outside, he's always pointing and saying "light on"


• the way he says "love you" (la wou)


• when he's sick and only wants me to comfort him


• the way he smells after a bath

 

Dear Logan (on your 2nd Christmas)

Celebrating Christmas this year with you has been an incredible joy. I can't imagine a anything better than watching the smile spread across your face as your eyes set on all the incredible lights everywhere. It's such a beautiful smile. It did not take long for your to grasp what this Christmas was all about. You loved tearing the paper off your presents, being careful to hand me each piece to keep things clean. You ate just as much of the yummy food we did and then some. We certainly broke many of our rules about eating so many sweets in one day (whatever those are) and thankfully you still slept great. You have made this Christmas so special, Logan. We love you so much and could not be more proud of how you're growing into a little boy.

Here's what we did this Christmas:

On Christmas Eve we spent the day running around gathering last minute gifts for you and your daddy. I had a revelation that next year I will not be able to purchase your gifts while you're with me. We came home and wrapped everything up, watched the Broncos loose a game, and made some yummy treats for Great-Grandpa's party. Before we left the house, daddy decided it was time to turn your car seat around. You are only 6 weeks away from 2 years old and you've made it to 27 pounds. You LOVE facing forward!

We arrived there right at 5oopm and enjoyed hanging out with all your cousins, running around and playing with your new toys. Mommy and Daddy had to keep you from going upstairs--it was all you wanted to do! After the party we headed to Grandma Mac's, a tradition that is 3 years strong now. There, you played even more, staying up late and finally crashing after 10pm.

At 715 on Christmas day you woke us up saying "mama". I was thrilled that a) you slept past 6am and b) you woke up happy. We made breakfast and sipped on hot drinks. You love the juice boxes Grandma Mac gives you. While the frittata cooked in the oven we opened presents. You became very serious while opening each one and would immediatly say "out!" and daddy had to cut the toy out of its box.

Later, we took a walk with the dogs and you slipped on the ice a few times but handled it like a big boy, never crying. Mommy made lasagna for the first time ever and it was delicious! Although you didn't try it, you sure did love the garlic toast and black grapes. You went down for a nap and we watched a movie. It was so nice to just relax and soak in this beautiful day.

After your nap we headed to see your great Grammy. She loved the calendar we made her and you loved the truck she gave you. Then we headed to Lolly and Pops for a nice ham dinner and 9 holes of Wii golf. Lolly and Pop got you a train table and a train set which you love! You even sat on the table, something which we think you'll be doing a lot!

This Christmas was so special. It was as if it was your real first Christmas in which you were able to participate and understand that under all that paper was something fun to see. With time we will do our best as your parents to teach you the true meaning of Christmas, of baby Jesus' birth and how much he loves you. We say your prayers every night. Thank you for being our son, Logan. You're an incredible little boy and you light up our world more than we could have ever imagined.

Love you,

Mama and Daddy

loosing it

I swear, friends, I'm loosing it! I forgot I already wrote about my trip to the ER a few posts back. I re-wrote it and almost posted it and realized, OMG I already did this! While I love this time of year, I will be SO glad when things calm down after the 1st.

We got snow last night and it's still coming down! Logan loves it! He says over and over "nnnnoooow" since he can't say his s's yet.

We went out to dinner as a family last night. I let him have some apple juice with dinner and lots of water. He soaked through his PJs by 1030pm and at 230am he thought it was a great time to get up and play. Didn't anyone tell him Santa doesn't come until the 25th?! He laid in bed with us for an hour. The moment I thought has asleep I'd look up at him, snuggled in my arms and he'd grab my cheeks with both hands and say "mama!". It was precious, but why oh why at 230 in the morning? I loved our time laying together but I have no idea why he woke up like that. He was acting like it was morning, asking for milk and to eat. It was bizzar. I'm guessing he was cold, because the house was down to 63* and that maybe something scared him. A dream? The dark? Being cold in the dark?? Either way, I really hope he sleeps through the night tonight!

Top 12 Posts of the Year

I love blogging in December, though I find it very difficult to make the time, I love going back and remembering all the crazy, awesome, happy, sad, exciting things that our family experienced. This is one of the greatest things I value about blogging. This online journal keeps my memories fresh and creates a keepsake for our family to one day look back on someday.

So here are the top 12 posts of the year (one from each month) based on my favorite post, not on commets, etc. Because while I LOVE the comments and all you amazing readers, that is not why I blog. I will also be doing a post on the best 12 photos of the year because this amature photographer can't NOT have a post like that. Enjoy!!

January: Death of the Perky Boobs

February: Valentine's Day 2011

March: Milestones

April: When do I say 'enough'?

May: Best Mother's Day Ever!

June: Finding My Passion...At the Hospital

July: My Most Favorite Poet

August: The One in Which Tulo Jumps Through a Window

September: Thank You Isn't Enough

October: Dear Logan

November: The Devil Car

December: that one time...at the movie theater

Merry Christmas!

Santa's Little Helper

Our trip to see Santa this year was nothing short of an epic fail. The morning started out great. Logan was in a good mood and we were having a great family day. B was heading to Denver later in the day with Logan and I had to get some time in with my boys. We headed to the mall and even while in line, Logan was not totally opposed to the idea of Santa.

There was a little girl in front of us who was just a month older than Logan. She set the bar by wailing and screaming her way off of Santa's lap. Logan stared at her and the closer we got the more sullen his face became. No more smiles and no more "uh-hus" when we asked if he was ready.

I stepped behind the photographer to take my own photos while B managed Logan. As you can see, he was not too keen on the idea of sitting on this strange mans lap! Afterwards he was given a candy cane and of course that cleared up his tears quickly. This kid LOVES candy and ate his candy cane before we'd even gotten to the car.

My dad mentioned how he's "too young" to be going to see Santa and I could not agree more. However, getting the shot of Logan crying on his lap feels like one of those parental rights of passage that you just have to do.

__

In other news, Thursday's 21 Questions will return in January. If you'd like to be featured, please email me samama8 at gmail dot com.

I pray you all have a fantastic and blessed Holiday weekend with your families. Celebrating Christmas with a toddler is SO MUCH FUN!!

One more post coming up: my trip to the ER a few weekends ago!

bye bye babyness

I started writing this on December 8th...

Today, my squishy little boy is 22 months old. That's only 2 months away from being, you guessed it, TWO YEARS OLD!! Every parent from across the world will never EVER stop saying things like "I can't believe how fast time goes," or "I can't believe he's turning two!" or "They grow up so fast," and so on. Seriously, two years of my life has never gone faster since I've had Logan in my life. I mentioned to my mom the other night how when I was 22 months old she had my brother. I cannot imagine already having gone through 9 months of pregnancy again AND having a new baby right now...I know God blesses each of us with what he knows we can handle. I'm glad He knows I would go crazy!! However, that is not to say we are done having children-at all...just not yet.

I have mixed feelings about Logan's babyness fading away. I love watching him learn and grow up into an actual person with a personality, likes and dislikes, wants and needs...all of which make him more of a toddler and less of a baby. And yet I miss his infant stage, the frequent naps, nursing him, and experiencing all those new baby firsts. His firsts now are involve new words and new independence.

Last night I could not find his paci. We left the sitter, who doesn't even give him a paci, and the first thing he starts talking about in the car is "bapie! bapie!" so I tell him we're going home and we'll get it then. On our drive I kept thinking, you know...I hope we can't find a paci and in the same breath I realized I was wishing away one of the last baby-ish things about Logan. He no longer sleeps in a crib, uses a bottle, wakes up every two hours, rather he uses words to express himself, says "toot toot" when he farts, and plays hide and seek around the corners. The paci has never been something that B and I have liked, but it certainly saved us countless times from uncomfortable car rides and wakeful nights. Getting rid of the paci has been one of those things we started to fret about a year ago. We wondered if taking it away sooner rather than later would make the transition easier. In fact, it made it worse! Not two months ago he started needing not one, but TWO pacis to go to bed. He was carrying one around with him everywhere we went and without taking the paci out of his mouth he'd be asking for a 2nd. His talking through his paci was a huge problem to me. We don't want anything to interfere with his language developement or his teeth and we knew the longer we kept the paci around the harder it would be to get rid of it.

So when we got home and after I turned up every couch cushion, searched through his toys, all our secret hiding places and even out in the car again and I still could not find a paci I said "that's it! No more paci!". Well, not out loud like that. But as Logan sat on the floor crying for bis "bapie" I gently told him that there was no more paci. He paused a moment and said it again. I said, "Logan, you bapie had to go and be with another baby. Your bapie went bye-bye." He stared at me for a few seconds before throwing himself on the floor, where he stayed screaming for the next 20 minutes. I tried offering him comfort and he refused my efforts. I let him mourn his paci. It broke my heart to see him so sad about his bapie, but I knew this had to be a "cold turkey" type of thing.

Logan went to bed surprisingly easy and slept through the night

As of today, Logan is nearly paci-free. The few times we've pulled it out is at night or early in the morning to help him get back to sleep and the minute he is up we take it away. If he asks for it during the day we just remind him that he gave it away to another baby. He seems to understand this and accept it without issue. The second night he did have a full on meltdown in which we did not cave, although we were tempted! While Logan mourned his paci, I mourned his babyness.

Plans Change

I can't catch a break. Everyday, something else is going on with my health and well-being, or so it seems. On Friday night I was walking quickly through the parking lot carrying a rather large bottle of wine when I slipped and fell on some ice. I saved the wine! But my wrist? Mildly sprained and then yesterday my low back flared up. Awesome.

The results from my ultrasound last week are normal, but I did not find out from my doctor or from looking the results up myself. On Saturday, we had big plans to have a Christmas party with B's family. We were so excited. I went shopping and bought everything for a really yummy salad, we went a cut down our Christmas tree, and only a few things to do before they arrived. All morning, however, I was actually having some serious stomach issues. I could not keep anything I ate or drank inside. But I tried to push through it. I assumed it was just my stomach acting up, of course, when we have something great planned. I took my meds and hoped for the best.

As the day went on I started to feel worse. I laid in bed until everyone arrived and put on a smile, pushing through and trying to hid any of the pain and discomfort I was feeling. I knew in my heart this had to be something more than just my stomach being dumb. I felt ill.

I looked awesome. I had been planning my outfit for the party for a week and tried to convince myself that I looked good so I feel good. That ran through my head over and over to no avail. We watching Logan open Christmas presents. He totally gets it! With hardly any help from his Nona he was ripping paper off and saying "out, out, out" after seeing his new toy. His grandparents absolutely spoiled him, in a good way of course! I'll post pictures as soon as I can, but watching Logan really enjoy Christmas for the first time was priceless. I am so thankful that I was able to hold out for that.

We took a break and I mustered up any strength I had to help make the salad and get things ready for dinner. Standing up made me feel as though I would faint and I pushed through those feelings as long as I could until I went back to lay on the couch. I felt terrible. Our family was doing everything and here I was laying on the couch. I hated, and still do, that I was not able to be in the mix with everyone, sipping on homemade eggnog and wine. My heart still hurts that it did not go that way.

At one point while I was laying on the couch B came over and asked if I needed to go to the ER. I had those thoughts in the back of my head but it was the last thing I wanted to do. But then we thought about it. It had been over 12 hours since I had been able to keep anything from coming right back out and sipping on water was painful. The cramping had me keeled over and I knew I was becoming very dehydrated. We made the decision to go. I was devastated. I was leaving Logan with our family and I knew he would be fine, but B was also leaving his family and we don't get enough time with them as it is. But I was going downhill so fast both B and I were scared. We could not worry about those things.

Only one other time in my life have I been in the ER. When I was in college the week before spring finals I became sick. I passed out in the dinning hall and was taken to the ER via ambulance. Diagnosis was sever dehydration and a viral infection.

When we got to the ER, things moved quickly. We didn't have to wait long and in no time I was having blood drawn and an IV put in. The fluids were a welcomed relief. I went through a liter in less than an hour. After anti-nausea meds, 2 liters of fluids and good blood work, I was sent home. I felt worse, though, because the body aches had kicked in. The drive home was just as bad as the drive to the hospital when I was in labor. And yes, I made that connection! lol

In the end, I slept until 130pm the next day and slowly regained my strength. Today, I am totally back to normal, stomach pains and all. The meds I'm taking for that do keep them under control and on the 19th I have a follow up to find out if this is going to be a life-long battle.

The moral of this story, friends, is to WASH YOUR HANDS and DON"T TOUCH YOUR FACE! I know these things are so simple and "DUH" even, but until you start paying attention to how often you touch your face, you don't even realize you do. My official diagnosis was the flu and gastritis. YUCK! Stay healthy friends!

words

(our front window covered in ice!)

• I have a cough that will not go away. I think I'm on day five or six. At night, I feel like I'm dying from all the coughing and no amount of nyquil or tylenol cold medicine can keep it at bay (not taken together, obviously).


• I'm drinking coffee, yo. For the first time in over three months I am sipping on a caramel latte. I'm hoping all the meds I'm on will allow me to enjoy it without pains.


• I've been pain-free for FOUR WHOLE DAYS NOW!! Thank goodness for meds! (I'm not usually all about meds. In fact, I've avoided taking them for some time now and boy am I glad I changed my mind!).


• B is super sick. Fever, aches, and overall yuck. Taking care of him and Logan and our house all while I'm not up to par either is soooo hard! I'm pretty sure that if I put my head down I'd pass out right here. Hence, another reason for coffee.


• Logan did not puke again on Saturday so we are 100% positive it was motion sickness. I had it when I was younger on long, windy car rides.


• It' is BELOW 5* outside right now. SO COLD!


• I have something really cool brewing in my head about a charity I want to start contributing to. As soon as I'm able, I will share those deets with everyone because I will need your help as well! More on this later (hopefully by Jan 1st).


• A new post will be up soon on my midwife blog about losing all the fear you have about pregnancy and childbirth so that you can *try* to get the exact birth you and your partner are hoping for. I'll post a link when that's up.


• And that's all. Have a great Tuesday friends!

that one time...at the movie theater

A few months ago I wanted to take Logan to see The Lion King in the movie theater. I didn't for several reasons, the biggest being I wanted B to come with us and it just never worked out. So instead, B bought the movie and we've watched it at home.

For Christmas, I was given the choice of picking from five options what I wanted from my employer. I picked the family day at the movies. They rent out the entire theater, pass out snacks, have balloon animals, family pictures, hot chocolate...we couldn't wait! Yesterday morning we got up early to find six new inches of snow outside. Perfect movie day weather! We all dressed semi-nice for the family photos and off we went.  We arrived just as the doors opened, grabbed our snacks and popcorn, and headed to the theater. Happy Feet 2 was the movie I picked for us. Logan still has a very short attention span for TV and movies and I knew he'd last at least a little while with this one. We were so excited. I cannot say that enough because what happened was so not on our radar...

We settled into our seats and B went to go get us hot chocolate. I stood in line with Logan so he could get a monkey from the balloon animals lady. He was being so good. All morning, though, he'd refused to eat. I offered applesauce, which he had two bites of, and two animal crackers along with lots of pedilite juice. B returned with our drinks and the trailers began. We got a booster seat for Logan and he was sitting so proud in his chair. He loved moving his drink around to the cup holders and was in a great mood. He sat on my lap for a few trailers and then I moved him to his seat just before the movie started.

Not 10 seconds later I heard him coughing. He's had a cough for a week or two now, nothing serious. And it happened. His cough turned into full out puking. He puked all over himself, into my purse, all over me and B and the stairs as I was getting out of the theater as fast as humanly possible. He finished up in the trash can and I almost started crying. B went to tell someone and I took Logan to the bathroom. I stripped him down to his diaper and a white tee he had on under his sweater which was still dry. I rinsed his clothes out in the sink and put everything into a trash bag. B went back into the theater to gather our things and when he came out I asked how bad it was. He said the guy in front of us, whom Logan had barely missed puking on (how, I honestly don't know!) and he was laughing at the movie. The smell though, oh man the smell! It was so rank. Ugh...

B went and pulled the car up. Remember how I said it had been snowing? Well it had stopped but it was still barely 25* outside and Logan was half naked. I wrapped him up in my coat, which was vomit-free, and loaded him into the car. And that was the beginning of a different kind of family day. We waited in anticipation to see if Logan was truly sick and if we'd be cleaning up puke the rest of the day. Thankfully, it was just a fluke. We actually think Logan got motion sickness from all the movement on the screen, the loud speakers, etc. Needless to say, we will not be going back to the theater with Logan for a long time.