Blackout

>Several months back I paid a visit to my doctor for a check up. We chatted about the normal womanly things you chat about at such an appointment. After much trepidation I finally blurted out my growing issues with anxiety. BUT--there was no way I was going back on meds, at least meds I'd have to take every day. We discussed a few options, all with the grand side effect of sleepiness. I chose Clorazapam, a drug which can be taken as needed. I have taken it a hand full of times, each time being worse than the last. I was prescribed 1mg and after the first two times of taking it I started to split it in half. I did not like how I felt more than drunk and was almost embarassed by the loopy mood it would put me in. No worries though-I always took it at night once Logan was in bed and B was around to keep me from falling into walls. Seriously, that is how serious this drug is.

So a few nights ago I was feeling terrible. I'd had a rough day and needed something to take the edge off. I rarely resort to alcohol for something like that unless I am actually in a good mood and want to relax like most normal people. Anyway, I took one pill and waited. The wait is not long. Within 20 minutes I am slurring my words and wobbeling around. The med also causes me to feel very tired but not knock-me-out tired--until the other night. I was so excited to watch 19 Kids and Counting. It had been MONTHS since I had seen an episode and the moment I sat on the couch I leaned over to lay down and was out. Literally, blacked out. I remember very breif things like watching the Duggers ski in Colorado and hearing B and my mom comment on how the med made me so tired. That's it.

Now when it comes to drugs and alcohol I am very conservitive. I had my fun in college with alcohol and even then I've NEVER blacked out. I have never been so drunk that I have forgotten details of an evening. Ever. This freaked me out. B told me in the morning that he kept checking to make sure I was still breathing. REALLY?! I was that out of it that my husband was scared for my life?! That's just not right.

I have not taken another pill since and I don't plan to again. If I really need to then I will split it in half. The one time that I did do that I felt great. Not even tired. It took the edge off just as I had wanted and I was still able to enjoy a movie.

I'm only sharing this because it has been on my mind for several days. I am embarrassed as if I had been binge drinking and passed out drunk. I literally felt wasted and I don't like that feeling. Drugs are no joke and I know that the dosage is just too high for me. My anxiety is very circumstantial which is why I won't take anything daily.

If you have taken this medication what has your experience been?