Family Vacation

>In 4 days, we will be boarding a airplane together, headed to Northern Michigan to enjoy a wedding, sweet corn, Mackinac Island, ferry rides, and, from what I hear, some good 'ol rain. Something the good ol' Colorado has been sorely lacking. Read: wildfires galore.

I cannot wait for us to take our first family vacation together. It will be Logan's first plane ride and we have two connections (YUCK!), but we can't complain. The tickets were gifted to us and we will take what we can get. I just pray he will be a little gem and fall asleep on us. This is something he DOES NOT DO. He is a "lay-me-in-my-crib-awake" kind of baby and puts himself to sleep. Yes, dear mothers out there, this is a very good thing. However, it is a very bad thing when he must be forced to do otherwise. Like, for example, when we were in the ER at Children's and he had to fall asleep on me. He screamed for a good 20 minutes before finally giving in and oh my word if that happens on a plane I am sure we will be walking home.

Now I am just trying to clean house and get all of our laundry finished. I am dreading packing. I have never had to pack enough items for our family to last over a week and I really have no idea how I am going to get out the door without the kitchen sink. I mean really. Babies have a ton.o.stuff. Not to mention that if I leave the car seat in the car at the airport, we are royally screwed. So there you have it. My anxious thoughts are only plagued by what to bring and what not to forget. I have read some great blogs with lovely suggestions. For example, rather than carrying on a blanket for logan to play on in the terminals while waiting, we will bring a thin sheet. It's a lot easier and more compact and covers more dirty floor space. The last thing we want is for Logan, or any of us, to come home sick. No fun.

If you have flown with your baby, how did it go? What were your best and worst items?

Time for Introductions

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I have many lovely readers. I love that you even happen upon my blog, even if it is for the first time and never again. I have often regretted making my blog private for that time being, however, there were somethings going on and it was the right decision at the time. With that, I feel like I probably lost several readers from that. So now is your chance to introduce yourself. If you happen upon this blog within the next four days (I will not post anything new until Sunday or Monday) PLEASE leave a friendly comment and introduce yourself. Maybe share how long you have been following me and anything else that can bring us closer together. My readership is important to me, even though I do this for myself. Yet at times I do feel that I am motivated to write because I have an audience. So here's a bit about me, and I sure hope to hear more about you!! Thanks and have a great night! We are off to a 1-year old birthday party.

I am 26 years old.
I have never broken a bone.

I have and will never go skydiving. I am terribly afraid of heights/falling.
I am a dog person.
I have very flat feet.
I am a Christian.
I am pro-life.
I want at least 2 more children someday.
I have two college degrees.
My most favorite TV show is One Tree Hill.
I hate driving anywhere by myself and/or at night time.
I want to get a tattoo someday.
I have worn glasses since I was 9 years old.
I can play guitar pretty well.
Hanson is my most favorite childhood band.
My brother and I are 22 months apart.
In 2007 I went to more than 40 concerts.
I have only reread Twilight and none of the other books in the series.
I put ketsup on everything.
I have two house plants which have survived almost 2 years, by the grace of God, I might add.
I hate confrontation.
I love writing.

There, now it's your turn. Be sure to include a link to your blog if it is a separate blog account and anything else you want to share! I can't wait to read all about you!

About a Loss

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I have no idea how to title this post, so it is going to go naked, just like little Logan. I would love to post the adorable pictures and video I have of Logan lounging in the nude, but that goes beyond what I deem appropriate for the internet. He has been rather feisty this week and all because of a sore throat. Poor guy. I am sure that his screaming from the pain only makes it worse. Anyway, our evenings have been spent with a happy little man crawling around in his birthday suit, happy as can be. He sat on the cold tile floor for what seemed like forever and when I picked him up, his little bottom and legs were chilly as well. I just love finding new ways to make him happy. If being naked makes him happy, then you best be prepared for that if you drop on by.

Anyway, this was not the purpose of the post. There has been something on my mind for over a week now. My dearest, close-as-a-sister of a cousin had a loss a few weeks ago. Her SIL lost a baby at 22 weeks and I think we have both been mourning that loss. I, of course, am doing it differently as I do not know her SIL. But I do know what it feels like to have a 22 week old little boy squirming around in my belly, hiccuping and flipping about. I know what it feels like to finally have a belly, to finally have others notice my protruding abdomen and touch it gently looking at me with approving, smiling eyes. I know all to well that feeling of, "less than halfway there!". The excitement, the joy, the anticipation and that constant, rolling reminder that yes, Sarah, there is a growing baby in your belly and you're going to be a mother happen to be some of my most fond memories of my pregnancy. This was all before Logan dropped and caused tremendous back, hip, and pelvic discomfort, early effacement, and a lack of exercise. So when H told me about her SILs loss, my heart broke for her and H. H is a momma to three beauties and has felt the same things I have. We experienced our last pregnancy together, 10 weeks apart and being that she is a total pregnancy veteran, you can bet your bottom that I was texting her at all hours of the day asking if "this is normal" or not.

We were able to talk about it earlier this week and my heart is still aching. Her SIL chose to have their baby girl buried in a cemetery. They had a funeral. Now, I have not had the god-awful experience of losing a pregnancy but as of right now, I know that this is something I would not have done. Being that the baby miscarried before 24 weeks, the week of viability (and even then, still a long road to survival), I had to disagree with her choice. When I think about why people make certain decisions, especially one like this, I try to put myself in her shoes. Why would she chose to do that? If this had been me, the last thing I would want is for everyone to have to come and put my baby in the ground with me. No mother wants to ever have to do this. Can you say: worst fear ever! I tried to think of reasons why she would want to have a funeral and I cannot understand it, so I will just do my best to be sensitive to the decision. Yet, doing that all this week, has made me still wonder what I would do. What we, B and I, would do if we lost a baby that early. I think we would just want to say goodbye in our own way at the hospital and move on from there. As H and I agreed, neither of us would want a physical place to have to go and visit our loss. Now, don't get me wrong here. This is a very touchy topic and I am sure there are a few of you twisting your eyebrows at me. That's fine. This is just how I feel about it. If I were to ever lose a child past 30 weeks where the survival rate is even greater, it may be a different story. You may be asking yourself why I am so wrapped up in this. I blame it on my incessant anxiety that causes me to think about worse case scenarios. It is a coping mechanism where I convince myself that if I already have a plan, then I won't have to ever use that plan. Silly, I know, but it's what I do. Anyway, this has just been on my mind this week and I needed to write down my feelings.

Wordless Wednesday- Mommas Boy

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A Book Review: Sarah's Key

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{source: Google}

I rarely ever write about a given prompt from the writing blog but today, I feel moved to do so. Please find the prompt here:

Prompt.

I run the book club at work and for the most part, our residents pick what they want to read. I will give them a few options to chose from, based on their interests and suggestions, and we go from there. We have had Sarah's Key on our radar for some time now and it was suggested by one of our dearest residents who recently passed away. It was quite fitting for us to start the book a few weeks ago and even though the title states it's a review, well, it's a review of half the book. I'm not done yet.

Our book club meets once a week and per their request, I give them an assignment to read to. This book is just under 300 pages so we are reading 100 pages each week. Half of the residents reading it are finished but I have made a deal with myself not to finish a book so that I won't give anything away on accident. Now if a resident spills the beans, that's on them. However, that rarely happens.

I am about 120 pages into this book and it took me almost two weeks to get through the first 50. This book is one of the saddest I have ever read, yet very well written and quite an account of a drastic part of our history. When I say OUR, I mean the world. Not the USA. This piece of history takes place in Paris, France on July 16, 1942. Try googling that date and you will see what pops up right away: the Vel d' Hiv Roundup. I had never learned about this piece of tragic history while in high school. I had heard of the term, but I had no clue as to what that meant, what the history of it was. One of my residents is 94 years old, born and raised in the USA, lived through both World Wars and not until he read this book, a piece of fiction based on historical facts, had he ever heard of it. WOW, just WOW! I mean really. That is amazing that he had never heard of this at his age.

**Caution: I suppose this is where a "spoiler alert" is necessary, but in all honesty, there is nothing to spoil as this is historical fiction.**

The novel is written in quite a unique fashion. One chapter is in 3rd person accounting for a young girls experience in 1942 while the other is from the point of view of a 45 year old journalist in 2002, given the assignment to write about the 60th anniversary of the Vel d' Hiv. The chapters bounce back and fourth and it makes me wonder, which was written first? Were they written together? And why the EFF is this the first time I am reading about this?! The girl, who is unnamed for quite some time in the beginning of the novel, is woken from a deep sleep as her little family is being arrested on the early morning of July 16th. She is only 10 years old and panics. She locks her little brother in a special hiding space with water and a flash light, promising to return soon. Her father is no where to be found, but later joins her and her mother on the long walk and bus ride to the Vel d' Hiv. This used to be a huge stadium for bike races and now, was the living space for nearly 13,000 people, 4,000 of which were children. Jewish children.

As you can guess, this story is about a roundup of Jews in Paris, France. The major misconception is that these Jews were captured by Nazis when in fact Nazis only order the French police to arrest all of the Jews and what they did with them, how they treated them, was up to the police, not the Nazis.

As you can guess, this is a harrowing tale of a young girl all of ten, trying with all her might to get back to her brother. The journalist is also trying to find Sarah, the young girl. Her family has a special connection to her. I am just beginning to learn what that is and now that I have gotten past the hardest part of the book to read, I can hardly put it down.

Go Go Go!

>http://www.youtube.com/get_player

This little man is quite the mover. He has been trying to crawl now for a month and over the last week, he has gotten pretty good at it! I took this video on Thursday and even since then, he has improved. It is a whole new world now that Logan is crawling around. I get next to nothing done while he is awake as I am on the floor playing with him and following him around. He loves getting into our DVD shelf and messing with the spider plant. We moved it outside so he can't choke on anything. He has a knack for getting stuck under the coffee table and wants Buttes ball more than any other toy he has. I'm hoping all this extra walking around will help me lose 10 more pounds. I have lost all the baby weight, but would like to slim down a bit more.

So, now that Logan is crawling and moving around, I thought it would be a great time to share our baby proofing tricks. We did a HUGE proof session last weekend and so far, all is good!

1. You can't baby proof everything. I kept thinking about how I was going to attach bumpers to the sides of the coffee table and some shelving but the truth is, you can't. I have resolved to just keep a close eye on Logan and be okay with a few bonks. Let's face it: Logan is a boy and is going to get bonked and bruised quite a bit as he gets older and tougher. There are no horribly sharp edges which would be cause for concern in cracking a head open. So I kept this in mind while we were going over everything.
2. Shampoo your carpets BEFORE they really get going. We did this last Sunday and it took 8 hours to do all 800 square feet of our apartment due to naps and such, but it was well worth it, especially since we have dogs. I have also been brushing them more often AND vacuuming just about every other day to keep the carpets as hair-free as possible.
3. Plug the outlets. This is a no-brainer. We had 12 plugs so I was able to get the six most accessible outlets plugged up.
4. Wash the walls. This might sounds silly, but since Logan touches everything, it had been over a year since the walls had been washed and who knows what kind of germs were looming. I am not a germ-a-phobe, but while the carpets were getting cleaned, so were the walls.
5. Hide and tie up cords. We don't have a desk for the computer so we hid the cord behind the end table in the living room and we keep it on the table when not in use OR rolled up in a drawer. Either way, the cord is hidden and out of reach. Logan is like a moth to a flame when it comes to cords. While at Children's on Monday, he just wanted to grab all the light cords, the stethoscopes, etc.
6. Keep clutter at bay. This is one of our BIGGEST weaknesses around here. We are so bad about leaving things out on the tables and floor that we now have to literally be bossy with each other to keep it cleaned up. Logan is thisclose to pulling himself up on the furniture.
7. Don't sweat the small stuff. Like I said, I am not a huge germ-a-phobe, but I do like to keep things clean. So it does not bother me when he plays with my keys, our shoes, or the straps on the diaper bag or purses.
8. Let him explore! Once all the important stuff is taken care of, just follow him around and let him explore his new world. We are all for Logan leaning and checking out new things, especially at home. He is easily bored and when there are rainy, gloomy days like yesterday, we have to keep him entertained somehow. So I will pull all of our hats off the shelf and let him check them out. It's an easy, fun cheep way to keep him interested.

Hope this helps! And I hope you all have a great weekend!!

7 is such a lovely month

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2nd Baby Goals

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I had a dream last night that I was pregnant again. This deserves a huge

OMFG!!

Hell no. I am no where ready, both physically or emotionally, to have another baby. Might I mention we are also no where near financially ready for another baby. It's interesting how, once you have your baby bouncing in your arms and smiling at you, your desire for more goes away. Let me clarify: we want more children, just not now. We want so much more than we have right now, that we want to give Logan and our dogs and our family. The following is a list of our PRE-Second Baby Goals in no particular order:

1. Buy a house
2. B gets a full time job with benefits which allows me to go back to school
3. Finish school
4. Get a job teaching
5. Get out of debt
6. Start truly saving money, and stop taking from what we do save
7. Visit family in NJ
8. Potty train Logan
9. Loose 10 more pounds of non-baby weight
10. Become better organized with house work, meals, and daily activities

Several of these items will forever be ongoing goals, however I just want to be better at them. We don't have to be totally out of dept, but we really want to be. I'd have to get my own insurance once I am no longer working and going to school and our hopes are that it would be temporary until I got a job with a school district.

I love being a mother more than anything, which means I love being a wife to B. He is the best husband and father I could have ever asked for and it makes me so proud to know that he will always be there for us and that we will have more children together someday. I suppose it is worth noting why I had this dream. Well, I have felt super off the last few days and I am pretty certain it is a blood sugar issue. Either way, I am dizzy, light headed, nausea, have a lack of appetite...all things which can easily be attributed to pregnancy, but also to low blood sugar. So I'm just going to keep eating my yogurt and wait for AF (who is not due to arrive until next week, just in time for our vacation, of course!!).
:)

Children's Hospital Visit

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I am sure some of you would like a detailed account of our trip to Children's Hospital and while I am usually happy to oblige, I think this is something that I will keep to myself. I went through more emotions in one day than I have in a very long time and I can't even seem to form the words to talk about it in the first place. Besides, we did so much waiting and sitting around and eating and trying to entertain a sleepy 7 month old.

Logan has been great this week. In fact, this entire week has been great, aside from Monday. No time for details right now, but just know all is well in our little home!

Answered Prayers

>Little Logan is perfectly healthy. I am beyond estatic, however, the worn dreary look on my face shows otherwise. Please attribute that to the extreme exhaustion I am feeling from the crazy roller coaster I have been on for the last 3 weeks. I have stepped off and feel amazing, but tired. We are totally rejuvenated. Thank you Jesus for answering all our prayers.

AMEN!!

No Sleep for You!

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Yeah, I totally feel like I had the soup kitchen guy in my head all night as I fretted over the events that are about to take place today. Sure, I slept on and off, but not without dreaming about what would/might happen in Denver today. OMG I am still sick with anxiety over it.

• I am worried they will turn us away and tell me I'm silly
• I am worried they will admit us and Logan will have to be poked and repoked over and over, that they will put a cath in (why?? I dunno), take several more chest xrays and tell me I'm crazy your baby is fine
• I am worried about the drive down, all alone
• I am worried I will be repeating myself over and over and we'll go weeks without answers
• I'm worried they will tell me there is something seriously wrong with Logan and our world will be shattered

I could go on. And I know a few of those are legitimate fears (maybe all of them??). I just HATE HATE HATE that I am going alone. B has to work. He HAS to! We cannot afford for him to not work and unless something crazy happens in Denver, he will not be coming down. Ouch. Just throw a little salt in the wound already. Thankfully, I have family in Denver, including Bs mom and she promised to meet me if they admit us. Honestly, I want them to admit us. I don't know how they will figure anything out without admitting us.

Has anyone had a baby in the hospital outside of the newborn NICU? I just have no idea what to expect. I know this hospital is one of the best in the country. It was recently renovated and everyone I know who has been there or taken a child there has had top notch care and attention. I'm just freaking out inside. I feel too young to be taking my child to the hospital for an unknown issue. I don't feel adult enough to handle this. I feel like my mom should be the one coming with me, talking to all the doctors, taking all the notes and telling me everything will be okay. But it's not like that at all. I am the mom now and I am on my own, taking my own notes, wishing and waiting for answers and being the strong hold for Logan. Wow, what a realization. I hope none of you have to ever go through anything like this. I will update later. Oh and in case you didn't notice, I have not even taken Logan's 7 month pics with his monkey...maybe we'll do that after our bath and before we leave.

It's Time

>Tomorrow morning I will be calling Logan's doctor and asking for an immediate referral to Denver Children's hospital. I will have them send all of his 56 pages of history to the pediatric immunologist so that we can finally get some answers. I will be packing an overnight bag, just in case, for both of us. All his favorite toys, food and general necessities. And then, I will update when I can.

7 Months Old

>Yesterday, Logan turned 7 months old and all I could think was, "wow...have you really had a fever almost every day for 3 months now?" Super negative, I know. Our Labor Day weekend was lovely. We spent time in Denver with family and it was nice to just get away from all of the doctors and poking and prodding. Logan's little arms were so bruised from his blood draws, I was in tears. He did not seem to notice, though, once all the poking was over with.

We ate a ton of food, went to the zoo, went to a bar...it was all very fun. The night we went to the bar we walked there from my mother in laws house. Now, before you go asking, the answer is yes, I was intoxicated. The other answer is yes, it would have happened regardless as to whether or not I had been drinking. Seriously, bare with me here.

As we trecked our way to the bar through a field we were all unfamiliar with, I managed to step off the road to head down a hill only to find myself 6 feet deep in a ditch. It was dark and there was very little lighting so that is why this could have happened to anyone. Did I get hurt? Yes. My entire right thigh is scrapped and bruised up. I banged the heck out of my left shin and ankle and over the last few days, my right shoulder muscle has been giving me hell. Not to mention that only two days later I slipped on the kitchen floor at work and fell flat on my ass. OMG. I need a bubble.

Logan loved the zoo. He loved seeing all the people and animals, sights and sounds. We bought him a super cute bucket hat with zoo animals on it. The Denver Zoo has several new babies, including three tiger tubs, two baby giraffs, cheetah cubs, and much more.

So what is Mr. Logan up to these days?

• Army crawling all over the place
• Sitting himself up on his own
• Repositioning himself while sitting
• Demonstrates excellent balance
• Props himself up on his feet (as if to stand up)
• Stomps feet in excitement
• Kicks legs in bath
• Shakes toys in his hands as if to wave
• Plays Peek-a-Boo
• Claps
• Babbles and mimics sounds we make
• Has no teeth yet
• Size 3 diapers
• 6-9 clothes, however, we will be moving up in the next week or so
• Eats 3 meals a day and loves everything except peas
• Eating more people food like breads, spaghetti, fruits and veggies
• Sleeps 10-12 hours a night, rarely waking if only once around 4am
• Wants anything and everything he can't have
• Wants to be wherever he's not (he's on the floor and wants to be in our laps, etc..)
• Loves car rides
• Favorite book is Oh the Thinks you can Think by Dr. Seus
• Loves dancing and listening to music. I play classical music when we are playing together

WOW! Can you believe it? There is much more, but not really worth mentioning here. We are still using cloth diapers and I recently replenished my supply of the disposable liners and OMG what a difference in taking care of poopy diapers has that made! I mean, I had them up for sale on craigslist and now I am glad I never sold them.

We are gearing up for our first family vacation to Michigan in October. It will be Logan's first plane ride and I can't wait!

As for everything else going on with him right now, we are still waiting for a scheduled appointment at National Jewish in Denver to see another Immunologist. He has been having some other tests just to rule things out and so far, he is still a mystery. This is very hard for us, knowing that something is not quite right and even all the professionals he has seen so far are stumpped too. I just pray we get some answers soon.

Dog Lover

>Lets switch things up a bit and talk about something other than my sweet Logan for once (update on him below).



Being that it is Labor Day weekend, here comes a post about how to take care of a sick pup. You will may be having several people over, BBQing and there is bound to be a time your dog is going to sneek something off the table. Take heed, my friends.

We are HUGE dog lovers. We have two, Butte and Tulo. Before Logan, they were totally spoiled. Now, the attention has changed and they have each had their turn in taking the attention away from Logan, whether it was intentional or not. I'm talking about what to do when your dog is sick. We've all been there, laying in bed sound asleep at 2am (it's ALWAYS in the middle of the night) when you begin to hear your dog start making the gagging sound and within seconds, it's over. They have puked all over the floor and you have no idea why.

In the last 5 weeks, both our dogs have had some bout with a tummy bug and it is not easy people. Tulo got a bacterial infection in July that landed us in the vet hospital and out nearly $700. A few weeks ago, Butte ate TWO POUNDS of raw ground beef and it only took 12 hours for that to catch up to her...for 5 days! Both dogs were vomiting and had diahrea and our carpets are ruined, to say the least. So how do you cure this lovely combination of sickness?

First of all, whenever our dogs come down with something, we give it a day to see how they are. Usually, they ate something weird outside and just need 24 hours to let it pass through their system and then it's all good. We did that with Tulo and by day 4, he could not even hold down a sip of water. That is when it's time to go to the vet. Dehydration sets in and you have one sick puppy.

Once you have waited out (and strubbed your floors) for 24 hours and your pup is still sick, you need to take their food away. Fill their bowl with just a half inch of water. Dogs have a tendency to want to drink a ton of water when their bellies are achy but this will back fire and cause them to vomit even more. If your dog can hold down that much water every few hours, then after 12 hours, you can try a few things to help settle the belly.

• Pumpkin: I have a hard time finding this canned veggie outside of Thanksgiving season, but it does wonders on the tummy. Give him a scoop (1 tablespoon) and see how he holds that down. If he has stopped vomiting but is still having diahrea, continue with this tasty treat (trust me, they love it!) once every 4 hours combined with any of the other items listed below.
• Chicken broth: It works for people and it works for dogs. The salt content helps with the dehydration.
• Plain cooked rice: 1/2 cup in their bowl. This is filling and really easy on the tummy.
• Plain cooked chicken: 1/2 cup in bowl, with or without rice. Also easy on the tummy and provides some protien.
• Plain yogurt: 1 scoop (1 tablespoon) in dish. This works just like the pumpkin does.

Now don't go trying all these things at once. Pick one or two and if the vomiting slows down, slowly ween them back into the food. Just a little bit at a time. You want to do any of the above every 4 hours UNTIL they begin to have a solid BM again. This seems like common sense, but there are so many people who have no clue what to do with their pup when they are sick and just rush them off to the vet. This will save you a ton of money. The only reason why we took Tulo in was because he was vomiting water and on day 4 of explosive diahrea. Turned out he had a bacterial infection. Poor guy. It took Butte about 5 days to have a regular BM after eating all that raw meat. Any time your pet eats something like that, you must watch them carefully as raw meat carries so much bacteria. We are still keeping an eye on her that she does not develop any weird infections from the meat. So far so good.

If your dog eats something like chocolate, a deadly poison to them, call your vet. If you have the package the chocolate came it, tell them how much your dog weighs and how much the content of cocoa powder is in the chocolate. Depending on the ratio, you may or may not want to seek a vet. We have a great 24 hour vet hospital that is honest with us. Signs to watch for intoxication are fever, heavy panting, twitching and seizures.

When in doubt, call your vet. You may have no idea what your pet ingested and it is never a bad idea to just call for reassurance. You may have heard that if they eat something funky (like vitamines) to give your dog a sip of hydrogin poroxid to make them vomit. Trust me when I say, DON'T DO THIS! I have done it before to dogs I was sitting for who ate a ton of vitamins and it was miserable. The vet told me that if it is toxic to their body, they will get rid of it.

All in all, I hope this helps. I know it's a gross thing to deal with, but if you love your pets as much as we do, then you know how much it sucks when they are sick.

Happy Labor Day!

Sick Boy

>Mr. Logan is a sick boy. What is he so sick with? Well first of all, he is hardly sick at all. There is just something going on that he cannot kick. I finally got his blood work back from last week and his WBC is high and other things our out of place as well. I don't understand all of it and neither do his doctors. We saw an Immunologist today. She was lovely. She had a flowing Russian accent and smiled sweetly at Logan as she listened to his heart and he played with the turtle on her stethoscope. He was nearing nap time and quite fussy, but none that wavered her inspection of him. We talked about his history (for the 900th time!) and again, came up with very little to go on. I told her I was ready to take Logan to Childrens in Denver and she was supportive. The only clear thing we know is that his little body is trying to fight some kind of infection and it's not doing a very good job at it. This raised flags about his immunity and there are suspicians of an immune difficiancy. I have not utilized Dr. Google yet (actually, I will use mayoclinic.com instead), so I know very little about what that means.

After our appointment I called his doctor and she began the process of putting in a referral for us to Childrens. While I waited for a call back, I took Logan to PVH for more blood draws. The poor kid has bruised arms and I hate that we had to do that again. This time, they will be doing cultures of his blood which will take a few weeks for the results to come back. An hour later I got a call and after much deliberation, the Immunologist and his doctor decided to send us to National Jewish in Denver. Supposidly, the Godfather of Immunology is there and while his bedside manner is terrible, the man is a genious. Hard part is that it will be several weeks before we can get in. Several meaning 3-4 and for us, that is torturous. I am now waiting for a call from National Jewish to set up that visit. So for now, we wait. Logan barely had a fever today, which is the first time it's been like that in an entire WEEK! Praise the Lord! It's hard not to jump to conclusions with all that is going on, but it is clear that not only is Logan a fighter, he is special and unique. It is a terrible feeling hearing someone tell you your baby is less than perfect, but that does not matter when you look into his eyes and he smiles.

Dead and Gone

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**part 1**

I work with seniors. I work with people who have lived through the most incredible changes our country has ever seen. I work with people who's age is 80 something and who play like 8 year olds. I work with people who complain about the food, the wash, the games, the movies, the everythings. I work with people who give hugs freely, share memories, and give unsolicited advice. Nothing is harder than saying goodbye to any one of these people. Not because they moved out, but because they moved on. My heart has never hurt so much in one weeks time. My heart has never seen the kind of pain I saw yesterday, the kind of lifelessness that smokes out a room, the kind of ringing in your ears when you realize that the Queen Bee is not just sleeping deeply, she's sleeping forever. Nothing can prepare you for death except when it is expected. Nothing can prepare you for death when it is the least expected thing, the least expected person and only God knows why it was that time. Only God knows why she was witty and happy, yet tired and slow, the very day before he took her into His arms. Only God knows why I was the one working yesterday, the one who was to see her name show up on my list of those who had not checked in yet, the one who was to knock softly on her door, say her name, hear silence in response and find her there, but gone. Only God knows why it was me. And I have no idea, still, but never has there been a week seen full of trial and shock.

**part 2**

As I shook her arm, shouting her name and thinking "she must be sleeping deeply", I felt a wave wash over me with the simple realization that something was not right. I dialed 911 and as my support arrived to help me, I fell to the floor shaking. The phone was taken from me. I looked up at my manager and he shook his head at me, quietly saying in the most obvious way that she's not with us anymore. I felt my ears get boxed. I felt my chest collapse and I felt my arms and legs go numb. I heard one say, "get her out of here" as I was lifted by my arms and dragged into the hall and then again to the other room. Sobbing and panic do not even come close to how I was reacting. I felt like I was outside of my body watching a movie from above, watching this woman fall apart while another lay lifeless in bed. Finding a friend like that is the single most horrific thing I have ever seen and experienced in my entire life. It was the worst day of my life, to date. I tried to think of something worse, but what is worse than finding a dead body? Nothing. Whether old, young, middle aged, nice, mean...whatever.

**part 3**

I sobbed over my managers shoulder, smearing his collar with masquera, asking him if there really was no pulse. Nothing sank in until the EMTs arrived and I heard one tell the others, "Code Black. Stand down." It was as if she was sitting next to me and a peace finally came over me. No, not peace, but a presence. I felt her leave the room through her open patio door and never before had I known that was indeed her spirit's breeze. I sat on her couch and let myself calm down. I left her room after a few minutes and as I headed down the hall back to my desk I saw tears in the eyes of her friends and other employees. An earthquake rocked our world and the ground literally felt uneven. I hugged everyone. No one could believe what had happened and no one could believe I had to be the one to find her. Everyone told me to go take a break and while I knew I needed to eat something, I also knew that taking a break would just throw me back into the panic I was trying so hard to escape. So I sat down and did the best I could to get through the day. I did not do one lick of work but answer phones and greet people with puffy red eyes and a scratchy throat.

**conclusion**

I put myself at risk everyday to find a fallen resident or one like our Queen Bee. There are protocols and I did everything right and at the end of the day, I could not help by feel embarrassed. I also then felt that was quite silly. But until you go through this, you never know how you'll react and what you will do. The fact that I was able to get enough words out to 911 that there was no pulse was in and of itself a feat. I later learned that she had been gone for several hours. The image of her, both smiling at me 3 days earlier as we played bingo together and the look she left in her sleep, will haunt me for a very long time.