Disconnected

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Hi all. I am writing from a king sized hotel bed while Logan is fast asleep next to me. What a trip. He did better than perfect. My biggest fear was a screaming, inconsolible infant who would cause the passengers tremendous distaste for us and all kinds of other terrible things. I was ready to put on my mommy cape and defend his aching ears, but I didn't have to. The kid was a gem. Our flight to Detroit was a little over two hours and Logan slept most of it. He woke up about 25 minutes before ladding and began to fuss while we decended. He refussed his paci so his ears were totally bothering him and there was nothing I could do. Our quick ride from Detroit to Grand Rapids was well, just that. QUICK! Logan slept the whole time and I kid you not, barely slept three hours ALL DAY LONG! He was so tired tonight that I had to cuddle him to sleep. Something he never does and something I deeply miss from his newborn days. Overall, traveling with an infant so far has been painless and easy. He has adjusted well to the new people and is just tired. I am sure we will all be a lot more fun in the morning.

But here's the truth. I feel really disconnected from Bs family and he knows this. He knows that I have a hard time getting in on the jokes and conversations. I really don't know why. I have never had this problem with anyone, but for whatever reason, I have to literally force myself to enjoy whatever they are talking about. For one, I feel like they repeat the same memories over and over again, every single time we see each other. I love being nostalgic, but every time is a bit much. Not to mention I have NOTHING to do with any of those stories so yeah, I listen and laugh but the 3rd time Im hearing it is like....okay....and your point is??

B and I had a pretty nasty fight last night. It was about how lax his family was about traveling. I love flying. I have done it several times and even a few times with babies. Traveling with babies is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. It is unlike travling with a two year old. You can be an expert traveler but if you have never flown with a baby, then you're no expert on how long it takes to do simple things.

Getting through security was a nightmare. Although, I did a damn good job of being patient and cooperative. They had me empty his diaper bag of all the liquids. I had three bottles of premixed formula, Happy Baby food, and hand sanitizer. Then they asked me to open one of the baby items and the hand sanitizer so they could test the vapors. Awesome. So I chose the formula because I knew Logan was getting hungry and I would use it soon. Then we had to put our stroller/carseat ensamble back together (just like Momma Dugger does it with Josie--works like a charm!), put our shoes back on, and get to our gate with about 30 minutes to spare before boarding. I was so frustrated that B was not on my side. He almost always takes their side initially, telling me I am being irrational or whatever, and then after some more careful thought, says he's sorry and ha, I'm right. Well what do you know. DUH!

So we made up at 11pm last night. I got hardly any good sleep I was so excited to get her. But then the same thing started to happen again. I feel like the black sheep in the family. We were in the Detroit airport and there is a really cool fountain there. We were all walking past it and I kept walking towards our terminal. I was almost to the elevator and I turned around to look for them and they had all stopped to look at the fountain. I stood there, alone, for almost 5 minutes and none of them, even B, noticed that I was not standing with them. I turned Logan around so he could see the water and slowing approached. They hardly noticed I had not even been standing with them the whole time. I just felt so disconnected.

And now. Now I am up in the hotel room with Logan. Everyone else is downstairs getting wasted in the bar. Granted, this is my choice to stay up here. I was not at all comfortable leaving Logan asleep up here alone even with the monitor. And I'm still disconnected.

So my goal this week is to try to connect with everyone. I almost said reconnect, but there has never been a good connection to begin with. And just to keep it right here, I get along with everyone great. I just don't feel like I fit in.

Dead and Gone

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**part 1**

I work with seniors. I work with people who have lived through the most incredible changes our country has ever seen. I work with people who's age is 80 something and who play like 8 year olds. I work with people who complain about the food, the wash, the games, the movies, the everythings. I work with people who give hugs freely, share memories, and give unsolicited advice. Nothing is harder than saying goodbye to any one of these people. Not because they moved out, but because they moved on. My heart has never hurt so much in one weeks time. My heart has never seen the kind of pain I saw yesterday, the kind of lifelessness that smokes out a room, the kind of ringing in your ears when you realize that the Queen Bee is not just sleeping deeply, she's sleeping forever. Nothing can prepare you for death except when it is expected. Nothing can prepare you for death when it is the least expected thing, the least expected person and only God knows why it was that time. Only God knows why she was witty and happy, yet tired and slow, the very day before he took her into His arms. Only God knows why I was the one working yesterday, the one who was to see her name show up on my list of those who had not checked in yet, the one who was to knock softly on her door, say her name, hear silence in response and find her there, but gone. Only God knows why it was me. And I have no idea, still, but never has there been a week seen full of trial and shock.

**part 2**

As I shook her arm, shouting her name and thinking "she must be sleeping deeply", I felt a wave wash over me with the simple realization that something was not right. I dialed 911 and as my support arrived to help me, I fell to the floor shaking. The phone was taken from me. I looked up at my manager and he shook his head at me, quietly saying in the most obvious way that she's not with us anymore. I felt my ears get boxed. I felt my chest collapse and I felt my arms and legs go numb. I heard one say, "get her out of here" as I was lifted by my arms and dragged into the hall and then again to the other room. Sobbing and panic do not even come close to how I was reacting. I felt like I was outside of my body watching a movie from above, watching this woman fall apart while another lay lifeless in bed. Finding a friend like that is the single most horrific thing I have ever seen and experienced in my entire life. It was the worst day of my life, to date. I tried to think of something worse, but what is worse than finding a dead body? Nothing. Whether old, young, middle aged, nice, mean...whatever.

**part 3**

I sobbed over my managers shoulder, smearing his collar with masquera, asking him if there really was no pulse. Nothing sank in until the EMTs arrived and I heard one tell the others, "Code Black. Stand down." It was as if she was sitting next to me and a peace finally came over me. No, not peace, but a presence. I felt her leave the room through her open patio door and never before had I known that was indeed her spirit's breeze. I sat on her couch and let myself calm down. I left her room after a few minutes and as I headed down the hall back to my desk I saw tears in the eyes of her friends and other employees. An earthquake rocked our world and the ground literally felt uneven. I hugged everyone. No one could believe what had happened and no one could believe I had to be the one to find her. Everyone told me to go take a break and while I knew I needed to eat something, I also knew that taking a break would just throw me back into the panic I was trying so hard to escape. So I sat down and did the best I could to get through the day. I did not do one lick of work but answer phones and greet people with puffy red eyes and a scratchy throat.

**conclusion**

I put myself at risk everyday to find a fallen resident or one like our Queen Bee. There are protocols and I did everything right and at the end of the day, I could not help by feel embarrassed. I also then felt that was quite silly. But until you go through this, you never know how you'll react and what you will do. The fact that I was able to get enough words out to 911 that there was no pulse was in and of itself a feat. I later learned that she had been gone for several hours. The image of her, both smiling at me 3 days earlier as we played bingo together and the look she left in her sleep, will haunt me for a very long time.