Saturday, December 27, 2008

>"Take a load off Fannie, take a load for free, Take a load off Fannie, And you can put the load right on me."

>Okay, where to start?

Sometimes I feel like a doormat. I am a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy and if I can be apart of that, great, even if it means I might be sacrificing time, money or sanity. I do have my limits, though. And this week, my "people pleasing cup" is overflowing with hot oil and burning my arms. Yes, extreme, but I am over the edge with annoyance. Within that annoyance is the anger and frustration that has caused me to gush about being a doormat. I like helping people and at times, that seems to have a Catch 22 attached to it. No one will be happy. One way or the other, someone will be disturbed.

A family member took advantage of B and me and we are NOT happy about. We are so unhappy about it that we don't even want to talk to or help this person anymore without some sign of acceptance of wrong doing, apologies, and gratitude. Unfortunately, this person does not know these things very well and we are not going to expect the slightest from said person. So what do we do now? Rather, what would Jesus do? I want soooo much to just cut communication off and wait for person to step up and take responsibility but no such thing is going to happen. We both know this. However, I want to show Christ's love and forgiveness. The sad part is, only a tiny part of me feels like actually doing that. The bigger part is named Obligation and puts a rock in my stomach thinking about "doing the right thing". Isn't that what this is all about? B and I did the right thing by doing what we did and we did the right thing in showing compassion yesterday, only to have it stomped all over by belligerence. Lovely. So, here I sit letting my written word speak louder than my voice. *sigh*

Moving on, I have been having emotional issues with feeling like I could lose a few pounds. I know, those of you who know me are scowling but please, simmer down and just let me speak out. Just because I have always been a tall, thin person, does not mean that I always feel good about the way I look and I have the prerogative to say so. Thank you.

I am 5'9'' and two years ago, I weighed 118-120 lbs. In April of 2007, I got pancreatitis. In short, your pancreas produces digestive enzymes and insulin and when those things are not working right, you can experience the most horrible pain imaginable. Eating food and drinking anything other than water makes it worse (because if your digestive enzymes are not working, you can't digest and process the food properly). Anyway, I was in pain for about two days before I gave in and had B take me to Urgent Care (we had only been together 2 months--what a trooper!). They hooked me up to IVs and pain medication. The worst I thought was a bad case of heart burn, but nothing seemed to help.

Once the Morphine kicked in, I was feeling a lot more comfortable. They took my blood and did a whole work up on it and after an hour, the results were in. I had pancreatitis. The doctor gave me two options: go across the street to the hospital (in Greeley...) or call my doctor and see what she says. I opted for the later because no one wants to spend more time in Greeley than necessary. My counts were low enough for me to just go straight to my doctor, as she wanted, and have her make the call whether or not I needed to go to the hospital.

As soon as I arrived at my doctor's office, the Morphine wore off and I was wrecked with pain. They soon gave me a shot of demerol, the best drug ever! ;) My doctor said I could go home after an X-Ray of my gallbladder to be sure nothing was going on there as well. The Rx?

1. Mom, Dad and B had to watch me around the clock to be sure I did not take a turn for the worse.

2. NO food or drink, other than water, for 48 hours.

3. Percocet, as needed.

4. Daily visits to the doctor for the next three days.

While this might sound nice, I was starving! I wanted to eat so bad and over the course of 3 days, I lost almost 10 pounds, which brings me back to the purpose of this story. Ever since I lost that weight and got sick, my metabolism has slowed down. It took a good 4 months for me to get back up to the weight I was at, which was about 124 lbs. Maintaining that weight, though, has not stuck. Which I know is not a bad thing and, according to stats, I am still considered underweight for my height. I can't help but think that I could still do more to be a little more healthy. I have resolved to not worry about my weight, and think that I just need to be more active. Which I am starting, slowly, to do. Dance on Tuesday nights and Yoga on Mondays and Wednesdays. All set.

Sorry this has been a long one and if you read all the way through, thank you. Have a great day.

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