>Tortured Tatas

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Since I was 19:

June 2003: Found lump in righty, fine-needle biopsy and ultrasound=fibroadenoma (benign lump)

November 2003: Found larger lump in righty, ultrasound and removal for biopsy=fibroadenoma

Summer 2008: Found large lump in lefty, ultrasound=fibroadenoma and staying put

February 2010: give birth!

March 4: New squishy lump in lefty, ultrasound inconclusive and put on antibiotics to treat mastitis

March 19: Lump still present and VERY painful, sent to surgeon=drained abscess

March 22: Visit LC to get help weening Logan off nipple shield=honey, you have thrush, off to my doc who tells me to use over the counter yeast infection cream=gross

March 23: Call OB frustrated, refereed to new doc=both Logan and I have thrush and I have a very painful letdown which means there is not much they can do for it. Damn

Yeah, that's a cuss load of issues. I am NOT giving up though. Hell NO.

>Dear Logan You're 6 Weeks Old!

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My sweet boy,

You are 6 weeks old today. Six weeks ago, you came into this world on a snowy and cold evening. You were placed in my arms screaming as hard as your little lungs would let you and I kissed your wet head. In those six weeks, we have become serious buds. It is safe to say you are a true mama's boy. Daddy does his best to sooth you when you're fussing and will pass you off to me if you are just not having it and within seconds your big crocodile tears stop running down the sides of your face and you stare up at me with your big blue eyes in wonder. Yes, little Logan, I am your mama and I love you to pieces.

You're eyes are changing! When you were born you had deep-as-the-ocean blue eyes and now the coloring just outside your pupil is lightening up and I am very proud to say you have daddy's sunflowers. Only mommy knows about the sunflowers. I'll show you someday...

I have very few nick names for you, but the one I find myself repeating most is "Little Logan". You have been my little peanut from the very beginning and all who meet you comment on how small and sweet you are. You are growing now, which is wonderful to witness. I bet you are almost eight and a half pounds. Your adorable cloth diapers are starting to fit you much better now and sometime last week I started letting you hang out in just a onesie. I love touching your sweet toes and standing you up. You have such strong legs and neck control. You are starting to focus on your play mat toys and coo at us. You makes us smile every day!

We have taken you several places now. You went to church for the first time yesterday. We took you to Ash Wednesday when you were 2 weeks old but your first real church service was yesterday. You slept through most of it and let everyone coo over you. I love showing you off to all of our friends and family. You are a real charmer.

On Saturday we are taking you to the mountains for the first time. We are going to Steamboat, a beautiful ski town where I lived for several years and where mommy and daddy got married. We have not been back since we were married and we cannot wait to share that special place with you! You will get to meet some more family members and experience some serious snow.

The last six weeks have been the best and hardest weeks of my life. You are the greatest joy your daddy and I have ever experienced and we love watching you learn and grow and can't wait to see how you change over the next several months.

We Love you,

Mommy and Daddy

>On the Mend...

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I went into see the surgeon at 1:30pm today. He determined that I had an abscess that needed to be drained. It was puss-filled and a result of an infection that started a few weeks ago. Good thing I went in! It already feels better! The wound is packed and I will take the dressing off later tomorrow but I have already nursed Logan on that side and it did not hurt at all!! SOO HAPPY!

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers!

>Need Some Prayers...

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This breast infection is getting nasty. Still no fever or flu-like symptoms as I am hoping the antibiotics are curbing that all together but either way, my OB is not happy that this has lingered with it's angry, red, veiny heated-ness that it is time to do something.

So I am anxiously awaiting a phone call from them, sometime around 9-10am tomorrow, to hear when I will be seeing a surgeon to access what the HELL is going on with my boobie. What I do know is that it hurts like a mo-fo to breast feed, felt like it was on fire this morning, and is not getting any better after 8 days on antibiotics.

My thoughts? It's NOT a clogged duct, but a cyst. Not sure what the doc will need to do but it could end in surgery. The worst part? B will be working snow removal (we're expecting A FOOT!) and it is very important for us financially that he continues to work. My parents are out of town and so I have resorted to friends in seeing if they will be on call for me to take care of Logan if I do in fact end up in surgery tomorrow. SO STRESSFUL!! I have had a lump removed tomorrow so I am not too nervous about that. Mostly nervous about leaving Logan. I have very few people in this town that I trust, but it looks like I am going to be putting a lot of trust in someone very quickly if need be. That is SO hard for me, but I am preparing for it.

Wish me luck! And I will update soon...

>Dear Jasmine...

>I have tried to comment on your blog but it says that it is restricted to "team members" only so here is what I have wanted to say...

My google reader is being stupid and I am not getting all of your updates on Miracle Number Two--weird. But I am so glad to hear all is going well for you and that you have some progress! He is getting ready to meet you and I bet you can't wait! I remember all the anticipation leading up to labor and I can't believe it was nearly 6 weeks ago! I bet little Ava is getting excited to meet her new brother! If you ever wanna e-mail me feel free! samama8 (at) gmail (dot) com

God Bless! (to all my other readers as well!)

>You know you live in Colorado when...

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...Wednesday's forecast is a high of 70-something (SQUEEEEEL!!!) and Friday's forecast is a high if 18 (GASP!). We're talking a possible March blizzard here people just two days after the most beautiful weather all year so far. Not one friggin' cloud in the sky and just enough crispness in the air to feel fresh. Perfection...only to be ruined by bitter cold and snow in just a few days! AHHH! Logan has not seen snow since his birthday and even then he didn't actually see it. He was just born during a snow storm and I think the day after was a heat wave of 9 degrees.

I could actually keep going with my list, like if you use heat in the AM and AC in PM. I had the windows open all day. It was lovely.

Logan has been sleeping in his crib at night for a week now! I am very surprised by how soon I wanted to make that transition but I can tell you we are all sleeping a lot better because of it. I think he could hear us move around in bed and that would make him wake up and we could hear him make all his little sleepy baby sounds. Now we can keep a close ear on him with the monitor and he does great! And on his back nonetheless! He still gets up every 3 hours like clockwork and this morning he decided 5am was a great time to stay up so B got up with him until he had to go to work. He JUST fell asleep (it's 9am now). Awake for 4 hours.

I had a blubbering meltdown in a changing room at Old Navy yesterday for a few different reasons:

My former size 4 booty is now an 8/10.

We didn't have enough money for me to buy real jeans.

I am still wearing maternity jeans.

I still have 25 pounds to lose and I have not lost 1 pound in almost 2 weeks.

As you can see, I had several reasons to wallow. And it morphed into the evening when, after taking care of the dogs, the baby and myself all day B asked me to continue taking care of the dogs so he could lay on the couch. Yes, he had worked a 10 hour day, but I don't think he realizes how much work it is for me to continue breast feeding when it feels like glass is coming out of my nipples, how it takes me 1o minutes just to get Logan all set to let the dogs out for 5 minutes, how I chose to keep our house nice and picked up rather than sleeping so he would feel like I was actually doing something during the day. Yeah, I could go on but that was all I needed to cry all over again and then the most depressing thought hit me in that moment: I have to go back to work in less than 7 weeks. Talk about complete heartbreak. I have been trying not to think about it but my leave is almost already half over and I can't believe it! So that is all I am going to say about it. Too depressing.

Happy St Patty's Day!

>5 Week Photo Shoot

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>A Touchy Subject: Sex Before Marriage

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I am pretty miffed right now and here is why:

I really hate finding out that people that I thought were very faithful to God and their beliefs were pregnant when they got married. We all make mistakes, I totally get that, and I'm certainly no exception. It just breaks my heart a little.

AHHH! Seriously?! This is a "friends" FB status tonight and it got under my skin. Here are my thoughts. Take it or leave it. Even if you agree with her, fine. But here is my piece of mind.

I wrote a post over a year ago about sex. B and I are lucky that we were able to get married and enjoy 9 months all alone before we got pregnant. And I say WE because I did not do this all by myself! ;) I would be lying if I said we did not have a scare here or there and that I realllllly did not want to get pregnant before we got married. But DUH, Sarah! If you have sex you could get prego! Regardless, we made efforts to ensure that would not happen and it didn't until we were ready. All this to say, we did not wait to have sex before we got married. Big whoop.

When I was 15, I distinctly remember telling my mom that I did not want to get married but that I was going to have children. She looked at me funny, knowing full well that I was a spiritual person, I knew what God commanded, but I was not convicted to wait. HOWEVER, I was VERY convicted to wait until I was ready. I had a solid boyfriend in college for a little over a year and he was my first. No regrets. After our relationship ended, I had several opportunities to hop in the sack but chose not to. I remember one experience with a guy who asked if I had a condom and I lied and said I didn't. I am so glad I was picky enough to not sleep with everyone I was given the chance to.

In all those years through college and relationships prior to B, my faith never wavered. My convictions never changed. In fact, my faith and walk with Jesus only grew. He knows I'm a sinner and I have repented. I have nothing to feel guilty for. I did make a pact with myself just after I started dating B that I would not sleep with him until I knew for sure we would get married. I know that might sound risky but I have some damn good intuition (one of my gifts, thankyouverymuch) and when he told me almost 3 years ago on St. Patty's Day that he loved me, I knew I would marry him. It was still a good month or so before we made that jump. And STILL, I love Jesus and fully believe what he did for us and THANK him for dying for my sins. I'm human. I guess what really bothers be about that status from this particular person is that she is one of those Christians (oh look, now I might be judging her...oops) who has a "holier than thou" type attitude. She is quick to judge anyone who might make a "mistake" that she disagrees with and that is what makes me sad. I wrote back that all babies are blessings and that even though God gives us free will, he also blesses us with the little children of the world. Being a mother has be believing this even more so. When Logan is old enough to make his own choices we will try to guide him to make the best choice and will do our best as parents to not make him feel like a bad person if he does make mistakes, a mistake like getting some girl pregnant in high school (whoa! scary thought!!).

This mess above is just my way of voicing my opinion. I do not judge anyone. I may not agree, but I don't judge. I love everyone. And I love you all!

>Defeat Vs. Determination

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In my past life, you know, pre baby and even pre marriage, I have never been an over-achiever. If I didn't want to do something, didn't like something--whatever--I wouldn't do it. I never liked this about myself, but it is the main reason why I have a terrible singing voice (gave up choir in 6th grade), I'm a terrible speller, and the most unathletic person you could meet. I have had a few weeks in there of great motivation to get something completed, like the blanket I have been making for my dad for months now, and have not finished it yet. All this to say...I am doing a damn good job of not giving up on breast feeding, even though I think about it everyday.

For over a week now, I have had a hard, painful lump in my left breast. It's red, hot, sore and OMG was I in denial of what that meant: mastitis. The devil of breast infections. Now, after a week (shockingly...) I have yet to get the flu-like symptoms that indicate an infection is present: chills, fever, overall yuckiness. But today after a chat with my dear cousin I knew I had to go get it checked out. I made an appointment for this afternoon and OF COURSE it lands in the middle of Logan's nap aka MY NAP time. As I was getting ready to get up from laying down for 30 minutes my lovely husband walked in the door and I would be lying if I said I was not relieved by the thought of having to load up my sleepy baby. He was home and I could go sans my son to the doctor. If you talked to me about that on Saturday, I would have puked by the thought of leaving my boy. Tangent: I left Logan for the first time Saturday night to go to a party with my husband. Logan was in perfect hands and I was sick to my stomach and crying I was so sad to leave him. Today, I had no worries and I think that had to do with Logan being with his daddy. Not sure why that feeling was so different. Either way, as the afternoon wore on and my appointment came about, I started to feel shittier. I know the utter exhaustion had something to do with that, but I could tell now that my body was reacting to the possible infection.

The doctor is not sure yet if it is truly mastitis or a large cyst so I am on antibiotics. Add into the mix that I think I am getting ANOTHER UTI!!! OMG I wanna scream. Even more, B offered to watch Logan all afternoon once I got home so I could take a nap. I was in heaven with the thought of two hours of uninterrupted sleep and what happens? I can't sleep!! I cried I am so tired.

SO where the hell is the determination? Well, I am not giving up on breast feeding. Somewhere in my mind there is the determination to stick with it. I really do love nursing Logan. I love touching his face and talking to him and the bond that it gives us. I just hate how it makes me feel physically. HATE IT!! The good thing, though, is that despite how crappy I feel, I am DETERMINED to get Logan to sleep in his crib. I did not think I would want to do this so soon, but he really does not sleep well in the pack n play and sleeping out on the couch so he can sleep in the swing is really hard on me emotionally. I hate not laying next to my husband. Our marriage is already changing as we move into parenthood and I need to still feel close to him so two nights ago I said no more and all day yesterday I laid Logan down in his crib when he was sleepy. After several times of going back and soothing his cries and even baby stretches of 10 minutes hanging out in there, he managed to sleep a solid 40 minutes for a nap, as did I! Then last night I woke him up at 9:30pm to give him a bath, nurse, read a story, sing a song and laid him in his crib and he slept until almost 1am! I was so proud of him! Now I know he does not hate sleeping on his back, he just hates sleeping in the pack n play. So we have his room all set up with a night light, rocking chair, and monitors so we can feel comfortable about this transition. So I am determined to get him to sleep in his crib for all his naps and night times. I know there will be worse nights than others and a true routine will take some time, but I know that starting early will be a good thing. Logan is so smart and I know he will adjust quickly.

So now I am going to eat a yummy dinner B has made and try to rest up some more.

>One Month Old!

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My precious little boy is

ONE MONTH OLD!

I cannot avoid the cliche of OMG HOW TIME HAS GONE BY SOOOO FAST!

Not one part of my pregnancy went this quickly. I am not sure if it is because I rarely know what day or time it is and I eat when I'm hungry and sleep when he sleeps, which could mean I am eating breakfast at noon.

* Logan sleeps 2-4 hour stretches at night. He seems to think early morning is play time (4am-7am), however, last night he did manage to sleep a little longer until 6:30am with a nap after his 8am feeding. I feed him every morning at 8am no matter when he last ate or if he is sleeping. This is in hopes (fingers crossed!) that he might adapt to some kind of schedule. So far, that is working out great!

* He is eating about 3-4 ounces at a time. I am breast feeding, with the exception of a bottle by daddy in the mornings after I have pumped. I think about quitting everyday but then once I get going, I know I am being silly. It is a true love-hate relationship. I love the bonding time and watching Logan but I hate the physical pain! The pain is supposed to go away at some point...or so I've been told!

* Logan is in cloth diapers and I am sure that if her were in disposables he would be on the brink of graduating to size 1 diapers.

* Logan can follow our voices and respond to our facial expressions. He has given us a few smiles (like the one above!) but mostly purses his lips like a fish in interest. So cute!

* Logan can focus on colors and shapes. He loves staring at all the stripes in our couch pattern, a book with black and white shapes, and a picture hanging in our living room. He loves lights and things that make sounds.

* Logan LOVES his paci...we discovered how much he loves it the night Tulo ate it and he was none to happy about that! I quickly stocked up on several pacis the next day.

* Logan just had his first real bath and after the initial shock of being naked, he settled down and enjoyed the warmth.

* Logan stays awake for several hours at a time now and we love how happy this little guy is!

* He is wearing 0-3 month clothes now!

* He's a TOTAL mamma's boy!

On my end:

* I have lost over half of my baby weight, all by breast feeding and climbing 3 flights of stairs a few times a day!

* I have next to no pain from delivery. Every once in awhile I will get achy from being out and about for too long, but I mostly feel back to some kind of normal.

* I am still pretty emotional, however I can go more than a few days without crying and then one day it all just hits me and I am a blubbering mess. It does not matter what is making me cry. I just am.

* I hate that I have to go back to work (weeks I am not going to count) at some point. I love this too much.

>We've Gone Cloth!

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I have been anticipating this post since the day we brought home our box of Bummis Organic Diaper Kit! I started researching cloth diapers very early in my pregnancy and ironically, I had done NO research on this brand before purchasing it. However, I had done enough reading to make this purchase confidently.

Sometime last week we received a very generous gift from my parents. We had also been saving Babies R Us gift cards for months to purchase a breast pump. So the day we received that nice gift, we went shopping! We bought the best breast pump you can buy and saved a lot of money using the gift cards. While at BRU, we ran into another new mommy who had a baby girl the same day as Logan in the same hospital! She was born about 5 hours after Logan...crazy!

Then we headed to a local, high-end baby store in town. I knew they sold cloth diapers but I had no idea what brands they carried. Once there, we discovered they only carried Bummis and the owners, a mother and daughter team and so sweet, gave me a step by step cloth diaper 101 course. B showed off Logan while we played with the diapers and I built up my confidence in actually taking on this new endeavor. If you have ever used cloth, you know it is not as careless as a disposable diaper. Logan has only been in them one day now and we are still trying to figure out how to get a diaper off, reuse an unsoiled cover with a new clean diaper without getting peed on in the process. And oh how I love the flush-able liners!! LOVE IT!! So here are some pictures from my first day of clothing!

My day of clothing actually started the night before when I did the pre-washes. Let me tell you, I was TERRIFIED of ruining these precious prefolds. I knew how important the prewashing was and I did not want to screw it up. Also, my detergent did not tell me how much to use so I just guessed and used half of what they recommend, which I learned is what you're supposed to do anyway! Perfect.

I knew three loads of prewashes and drying in between each would take a few hours, but I had no idea it would take SIX HOURS! I have the worlds worst dryer and it took an hour and a half to dry each load. So I made it through two washes and dryings before calling it a night and finishing in the morning.

These are the adorable covers! Three prints and three whites.

Logan's expression after I told him it was almost time to fit a cloth to his little bum.

The HUGE diaper on him. After wearing it all day, I took it off because it was irritating his little belly button "zombie flesh" stump. It is hanging by a thread now and I just want it to come off on it's own before I put another one on him.

Logan is so happy!

The picture really does not do it justice just how huge this diaper is on him. He looked like an Ompa Lompa!

And here is just a sweet shot of my little family. Four hours later Logan proceeded to

projectile vomit all over me and our bed sheets. Bed sheets I had just washed and replaced not 2 days ago! None landed in my hair, but I did jump in the shower as soon as I cleaned Logan up. It was gross.

We have a very fun and busy weekend ahead! I will try and take loads of pictures.

>Something Special

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I have had such an off day. Since late last night when it was very clear that Logan decided sleep was sooo yesterday and we would be having not just a midnight snack but a 1 and 2 am snack, this mamma was beat! All I kept thinking about was how tired I was and I badly I needed sleep. My brain physically hurt, if that is even possible. B started to feel crapy so I wanted to let him sleep rather than take one of the night feedings he usually does so it was all me. I just kept thinking I needed a break and that filtered into today, until a few short hours ago. I am sure those thoughts are totally normal, but I do feel guilty for thinking them. Logan is the purest joy I have ever had in this world and everything about him is perfect, even when he is waking me up every other hour to eat. I have been so confused as to why he sleeps so soundly during the day and at night he is a fussy dude. I did play around with the idea that he has his nights and days mixed up, which he might, but if he does it is not that bad. He has been awake for longer periods of time during the day and it's so fun! All that to say, that even though I feel like I already need a break, nothing can take me away from my boy, even the deepest exhaustion I have ever experienced in my life. Logan is more than worth it.

So, what's so SPECIAL about this post? Wellllllll it is my

300th POST!!

Wow, really? I am so excited to celebrate that!

Also, after trying for several nights over the last 3 weeks, I have finally be able to put my wedding ring back on!! It's a bit snug, but it fits and I am so proud to be sporting it again! This small symbol of love for my husband is not small at all and to be wearing it again makes me love B more!!

It's also a special day that my wee one is 3 weeks old today! I can't believe he has been in this world for 3 weeks already and with us at home for just over 2....how quickly that time is going by! I am truly loving every minute, even when I am having thoughts as I said above. It is hard to describe how those feelings can all live happily together, but they do. The only thing I am truly hating is EVERY EFFING NURSING BRA/TANK I OWN!! Nothing is fitting me right! There is either not enough support, or it's too tight. Too tight could affect my supply and not enough support will give me saggy sistas. Not fun! I even bought a new bra today hoping it would be better, but it's not. Grrr