>Miracle: 24 weeks

>

(24 week baby belly)

Yes, here *he* is.

A small update: I have a fatty face now and it will only get worse, my deep belly button is almost a thing of the past, I have no stretchies, Baby L kicks me all day long on and off and hated when I ate Quiznos yesterday, I have new maternity clothes that I am going to wear for my weekend away, he weighs over a pound now and is nearly a foot long, I can't feel body parts yet and I want to, and it is very obvious to all that I am not just packing extra pounds (oh but I am--15 to be exact and that puts me over 150...oy).

I think all that ranting and raving I did yesterday (not just here, to B as well) really helped. When I was writing I just let my hands work. I did not even think about what my words would be until they were already behind my curser. I got mad and I think I needed to do that. No, I am not cured and far from being where I want to be. But seeing my words here and listening to B comfort me for the 900th time made me mad enough to say "no more". I'm done. Not done in the way you might think. I am done with the crap, tears, stress and anxiety. I am not going to let my mind take over me like that. I quite literally felt like I was going to loose my mind if I did not do something about it. Apparently, writing was the trick, along with several prayers, and I must say a HUGE thank you to anyone you lifted one up for me and here is why...

Today was GREAT! I woke up in such a great mood! I had a new outfit ready to go with one of the new tops I got from Old Navy. I straightened my hair, pulled it up in a high pony, splashed some make up on, brushed my teeth and called it good. I looked great! (Bummer...I should have taken my pic earlier today...oh well) I had a nice bowl of cereal, took my vitamin, watched some music videos and saw the new Death Cab video that is featured in New Moon, and kissed my husband goodbye.

Work was a breeze. I was so happy. I just smiled and chatted with everyone and helped out when needed. I even stayed an extra 2 hours to finish a project and had no problem doing so. I was on a roll!

The weather had warmed up a bit and once I got hone, changed, and let the dogs out B was waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs so we walked together and it was perfect. B grilled up some brats, I made some yummy sauerkraut, drank a gallon of water, and ate a bowl of ice cream. Watched some Top Model and continued work on a surprise, something I am crocheting. You will see more about that later...like way later when I am done and no, it's not for the baby.

This might sound like a boring day to you, but for me it was the high light of a few weeks combined. I am so much happier! I have not cried or thought about anything that might trigger the anxiety. I really see myself getting past this.

Thanks for the support, even if you don't ever comment. I can feel a change. You rock.

>DON'T TOUCH ME!!!

>

I see this week quickly becoming a repeat offender and I am not going to take it well.

1) My heart and my head cannot make up it's damn mind about the effing H1N1 shot and no, I don't want your opinion. I have heard everyone and their dog's opinion and right now, I just want to EFFING FORGET ABOUT IT!!!

2) It is too damn early for me to be this exhausted from work. Seriously? I can't even stand in the kitchen for 20 minutes to make a *decent* meal for my starving baby and husband. I am officially a shitty mom already.

3) STOP THE WATER WORKS! I get that crying can be healthy, but multiple times a day, for days and days and days....is NOT EFFING HEALTHY! B tells me last night that he loves me, and I cry! I CRIED!! The worst part is it made me sad for some reason. Of course I love him. Of course I know he loves me. WTF?!

4) Everything else. It could be the stupid high schoolers that take too long crossing the street so I can't turn to get home so I can have a giant glass of water I have been depriving my body of all day because I have not had a chance to get a glass myself at work. Or it could be something else...

Dear Anxiety,

This is your favorite person, Sarah here, just wondering when you might BACK THE EFF off?? I know we have become buds in the past and 4 years is a long time to go without really saying hi face to face but you know, I am having a baby here and I would really like to stay sane enough to enjoy the whole experience. Your incessant nagging about the damn vaccine issue, the fear of driving, the way you make me beat myself up for making a mistake so small it does not even classify as a mistake is really starting to turn me into the person, aka pregnant woman, I never wanted to be. So, graciously step back into that black whole you pulled ourself out of and leave me the eff alone or there will be war. Consider this a fair warning.

Signed,

Yours Truly

***Folks, if this is not proof enough of how I feel right now, I don't know what is so don't expect a 24 week picture unless there is a miracle..**

On the somewhat happy side of life:

I have new maternity clothes that I cannot wait to wear.

B is grocery shopping for me as we speak and calls me to check if we need something.

The dogs love me.

My baby loves me.

And B loves me.

(Jesus too!)

(I know, I just needed to vent.)

>How We Found Out About You

>

**This post is mostly for my own personal journaling. I don't want to forget about this whole thing and so here is a more detailed version of it. If you want to read and comment, great! If not, that is just fine too.**

Dear Baby L,

You are nearly 24 weeks grown in my belly now and telling me all the time about the adventures and foods you love. You love waking me up at 5am to kick my bladder and you don't stop there until almost 7am. I can usually fall back to sleep before then if I am not getting up to work and while I am dozing I enjoy your soft morning kicks. You keep telling me to eat super sweet things and your grandma does not want me to turn into an elephant so do me a favor and ask for more of that orange chicken you love so much. That is a much healthier choice. To date I have gained 15 pounds and the doctors are very happy with that progress, seeing as how I barely gained 2 pounds the first trimester. I want you to grow big and strong so gaining weight is not a problem for me. I want to tell you about how we discovered that you were going to be more than just a twinkle in our eyes so here goes...

Way back in March I have a very late period. Daddy and I were very excited by the thought that we might be expecting a special gift but soon discovered that is not the timing God had in mind for us. After the excitement, and then the disappointment, we made up our minds (more like Daddy made up his mind...) that it was time to start trying for a baby. I had health insurance, we both had great jobs, we were moving in June, and our happiness was through the roof.

The following month we were semi-careful as I really did not want to BE pregnant in Cabo for our honeymoon and that was the same idea God had in mind. We went to Cabo and had a great time. It's quite silly that everyone seems to think that is where you were created, but I know better....you came a few weeks later.

Mother's Day weekend was a hard one. Daddy and I went to a funeral for a family friend. She was the mother to 3 boys and a girl and God wanted her in Heaven. She had been very sick with cancer and though the heartache was hard on all of us, she was no longer suffering. I remember sitting in church thinking that maybe this would be the weekend we would create a baby. It was an odd thought to associate with a death, but I thought of it more as one goes out, so one has to come in, right?

The following weekend I spent with my sister in law and mother in law. We had a girls night out at a bar in Denver and I had a few drinks, but I remember feeling not so well. I was feeling sick to my stomach, had a bad headache and just felt off. I did not think much of it as I did not want to disappoint myself if I was not in fact pregnant. That was the last weekend I had anything to drink and it was the same weekend my period was expected.

That day came and went. And then another day, and another. I kept texting cousin Heidi asking if I should wait a few days or go ahead and take a test. Of course she wanted me to take a test right away so I did. It was negative. So I was bummed and just waited for AF to show up. Another day passed...and another. Finally on Friday May 29th I was at work texting Heidi some more and she was practically yelling at me through the texts to take another test. I wanted to wait until the end of the weekend. I was 6 days late at that point but finally got so excited about the idea that I stopped off at Walgreens to pick up a test.

I walked in the door to see Daddy sitting on the couch playing a video game. I told him I was taking another test and he was like, yeah okay not wanting to get excited for more disappointment. I peed on that stick, set it on the bathroom sink and left the room for a good 5 minutes. I was so nervous to look. I was going to be so mad at my body if it was that late without a baby in my belly. To my great surprise, there were two pink lines! I had to blink over and over, making sure I was not seeing things. And then I could not form the words. So I carried the test out to the living room where Daddy was sitting and waved the stick at him. I had a smile on my face and when he looked at me he said, "Is it positive?" YES! Was all I could get out before he stood up and swept me into his arms. He set me down and kept asking if it was real. So I took him to the bathroom with the good light and there we stared at the very first evidence of you. Two pink lines. When your Daddy looked me in the eyes after staring at the proof, I don't think I have ever seen so much joy and love in his eyes before. I hope to never forget the feelings we had in that moment. It is by far one of the best moments of my life, finding out about you.

I called Heidi to tell her that yes, we were having a baby and it was so late where she lived but we were both too excited to sleep. The best part about this day, other than finding out about you, was knowing that we were going to be moving into our new home the next day. All our things were packed and stacked in boxes. We were taking the news of you with us to the next chapter of our lives and it could not have been more perfect timing.

The next morning I called your grandparents and asked them to stop by the house on their way out of town. I told them we had something to "give" them and your grandma just kept asking what it was. I said it was something they needed and she finally gave in. Once they arrived, they were not even down the stairs before Daddy blurted out that I was pregnant. They were floored! So happy and excited! Grandma was on the verge of crying, but didn't. Grandpa was thrilled! He shook daddy's hand and kissed me. It was the best news they could take on their trip.

So that is how we found out about you. We prayed that God would bless us with children in his time and we waited for that time and the time is now! You will be here so soon! I can't believe how fast that time has gone since that day. It is burned into my memory and now here on these pages. We love you more than anything and cannot wait to kiss your toes and touch your belly.

Love and hugs,

Mommy and Daddy

>Totally Blah

>

This has kind of been a rough week. I am not in the mood to post or even take a 23 week picture. I might start just doing a picture every few weeks. The changes now are not that drastic week to week (baby boy is kicking as I type this! love it!).

I have been SUPER emotional this week. I have cried nearly every day and instantly over the smallest things. I am not sure if the two are related, but I have also been having some pretty bad bloody noses lasting anywhere from 5-30 minutes. I called the doc today after a 25 minute bleed at work (yeah, that was fun answering the phone with my nose plugged up!). They said to get a humidifier, use some nasal spray, and take it easy. It was so bad yesterday I thought I was getting a sinus infection and called it a day after three miserable hours at work. I was feeling better by the evening after sleeping for several hours and a hot shower so we celebrated my dad's birthday. It was a great gathering and the food was amazing! My mom is such a good cook! That in and of itself made me feel better!

Only one more week until my first baby shower! I can't wait to see some of my girlfriends I rarely ever get to see! And to just have a weekend away from B and with my mom's...it will be divine!

I hope you all had a better week than I did. Happy Weekend!

>Too Much...??

>Okay, we'll keep it "tame" from now on. ;)

>TMI Toots

>

**You have been warned**

I just wanted to say that there are a few things about pregnancy that are not enjoyable for both B and me. Sure the crying, clinginess, lack of libido, and the incessant "get me this honey please" is annoying. But never in my life have I had gas so bad that I wanted to leave the room myself. It is disgusting and by far the worst smell ever AND IT WILL NOT GO AWAY! I've tried everything! Not that I can take a bunch of drugs or anything, but I have tried the tums, extra veggies, and bland foods and it is here to stay. I would just like to say that I have the world's best husband. He does not say anything, does not make me feel more embarrassed than I already am, and keeps his mouth shut. I cannot say I do the same thing when his is nasty. I remember watching a recent Tyra episode where she talked about this "symptom" with a panel of experts and thinking, "Nah, it can't be that bad". Oh but it is!

So that is all I wanted to say about that. Happy Monday!

>I went shopping and cried.

>

Nothing new here. Seriously, this past week was so by the books I am not sure where to start. On Wednesday I had a great conversation with my boss, which I had been really working myself up over. I was not dreading it, I was just very nervous. I have pretty bad anxiety when it comes to talking to authority and I was praying hard core the night before that I would not cry. I would have been doing that even if I was not pregnant. I have cried before and knew increased hormones were not going to help the situation. So the night before I sat down and wrote all my thoughts down so I would not forget any points I needed to make and when I fell asleep without having to talk myself into not thinking about it anymore, I knew that writing the thoughts down was a great idea. I credit Elin for that great suggestion. ;) The talk was great and I am still happy working, not that I wasn't before but reassurance is very helpful.

Thursday night we had my brother over for Survivor and that was great until he accidently broke my glider. I wish I could say I did not behave like a 5 year old, but I can't. I sobbed. He was very sorry and I accepted, but it still made me so sad! It's not even really mine, it's the baby's and I just could not hear B telling me that it was easily fixable until the next day. He has yet to fix it, but will later tonight. That same night B and I also agreed on the bedding we wanted to register for. Sports theme. No surprise there!

Mommies out there: why are breast pumps SO DAMN EXPENSIVE?!! At first I was thinking I could do a manuel pump but realized I will be pumping at night and that would really suck. But nearly $300 for a pump is SO CRAZY!! So, if you have a better idea, lay it on me!

Today has been gloomy for me. It is rainy and cold to match. It started out great with a nice breakfast with a family friend and I thought I would go get some new maternity tops. It seemed like the moment I stepped into my closet this morning nothing wanted to fit OR was warm enough for this crap weather. I nearly lost it there but B said I could go shopping so I was looking forward to that. I headed over to a consignment shop in town hoping to find some cheap finds and walked away with a tank, which I needed, but did not solve the warmth factor. I headed over to Motherhood next and paced around. Their clothes are so expensive! I came home with a long sleeved tee that is nice, but HUGE on me. I walked in the door, looked at B and lost it. I was so frustrated that my body, bank account, and personal style were not meshing! So I got online to Old Navy and found some great tops and spent less than $70! It was great. I will not be shopping in the stores anymore.

So that is about it. Nothing super exciting. As far as the babe goes, he is just moving around like crazy. I have started to notice his wake and sleep times. He does not wake me up at night, however I have dreams about him moving around and wonder if he really is....He is growing like crazy, hence my need for new clothes! Despite that small hurdle, I am doing great and very happy. Have a great Sunday!