fancy deviled eggs {easter}

Ironic as this might sound, I am not crazy about dyeing Easter eggs. I enjoyed it as a child, but now I feel it more of a pain in the arse to set everything up, dye the eggs, wait for the perfect color, let them dry and then clean up. OH and then try to get all those purple and blue stains off of the counter. Yeah

BUT. This year was different. And I'm pretty sure next year will be even better. Logan was not totally interested in the whole process, but he did enjoy putting the stickers all over his face and every other surface in the kitchen.

This year...I invited friends over and volunteered to bring in an Easter treat for work.

I LOVE love LOVE deviled eggs. I could eat them everyday. And what better treat for a large group of people! I found an idea on pinterest in which you dye the egg after you shell it and out comes pretty little deviled eggs.

I mixed the yolk in with some mayo and a dash of spicy mustard, salt and pepper. And for the first time ever, I packed the mix into a baggie, cut the tip off and made filling the eggs so much easier!

And alas, I present to you my very pretty Easter Deviled Eggs! They were a hit at work and very tasty. Some may wonder about tasting the vinegar from the dye and I couldn't tell. A few others could but that did not stop anyone from eating them up.

Day in the Life: Working in a Hospital

It has been almost a year (WHAT?!) since I started working in a hospital. I never imagined how much I would enjoy working in a hospital and what it would mean for me career-wise. My future is here, in the hospital, and for now working in admin is just fine. I have received 2 promotions and now have my very own office, something which I never could have thought possible after less than a year. I feel so blessed and privileged to work with an incredible team and interact with patients everyday. It's amazing. So there is my little "day in the life" at work.

730am: Clock in, grab admit phone and let the birthing center (BC) know I've arrived. Get settled in office and scurry over to BC to admit inductions (usually 2 a day).

8am: Print census for women's care (postpartum), nicu, and peds. Check printer for today's discharges and collect discharge info for each patient on their account.

9am-12pm: Finish any discharges, visit patients, coo over newborns, collect money, log it, and answer phone for pre-admits, direct admits and anything else!

12pm: Lunch, usually a turkey diablo Panini. It's delish!

12:35-4pm: Back to the office, back to waiting for calls, scan docs, pre inductions for next day, check email, read blogs, stock office supplies, take a walk...

4pm: Time to go home! Leave phone with admit office, check mail box, say goodbye and dash over to pick Logan up from daycare.

Then I don't think about work the rest of the night! That is, of course, unless I have a great story. Like this morning, I walked in the door and a mama was ready to push! She was 9cm and within an hour had her baby. Thankfully, in the room and not in the front entrance. ;)

Sometimes, days are pretty slow with few phone calls and on those days I do my best to busy myself with whatever I can (or write a blog). Other days, I feel out of breath from all the running around I do between admits and discharges. The worst part of my job is asking for money, but hey, you knew for the last 9 months it was coming! So I'm kind of immune to it now. Patients rarely ever get upset with me, which is nice. The worst (yes, worse that money!) is when I discharge a mama with a nicu baby. It breaks my heart. Sometimes I cry with her a little as I TOTALLY know how she's feeling. Five days a week and then I get my weekends with my family! Could not as for a better job!

I'm a Big Kid Now

I make a point not to talk about work on my blog and I'm still going to hold to that, but I have news I feel is worth sharing. After nine months working at an incredible hospital, I have received my 2nd promotion. Never before have I worked somewhere that allows so much growth both personally and professionally. I suppose most hospitals are like this, but I am shocked. I never would have thought that I'd be as close to my dream job as I can get in less than a year.

Obviously my dream job is to be a midwife, but for now I will be just as happy working alongside all the awesome nurses and staff in labor and delivery as the admitting rep. I feel like a real working professional now...not that I haven't been, but this is the first time I've ever had a M-F 8-5 type job where I don't have to work weekends, I have my OWN office and more satisfaction as a working adult than I ever before.

I hardly consider what I do a job. I go home happy almost every night and never feel like I don't want to go to work. I love all the interactions I get with patients and my team. Oh my team! They are incredible. So much genuine support and care for one another. My benefits are amazing...I could go on.

I am so happy. I was really happy with my job before this happened, but I'm even happier now.

a little down

Not gonna lie: this week was rough. BUT, we did manage to have a great New Years Day and Wednesday was pretty fun. Otherwise, it was mostly sad and frustrating.

On Monday there was a fetal demise at work. This sort of thing NEVER gets easier. However, I no longer cry. The first time I was at work when this happened, I cried all morning. I was so sad. I know this happens to women everyday but to be that close to it just breaks my heart every time. THEN, yesterday there were THREE more! All 21-23 weekers who were just not ready for the world yet. :(

On Tuesday we found out that Logan's doctor is not accepting his insurance anymore. This is a total bummer. I did some doctor hopping for a few months last year and ended up going back to her. She has been my doc for 12 years and I would not want anyone else taking care of my kiddo. Well, now we have to find a new one. I'm meeting with someone this morning so hopefully it works out. Logan still has a bad diaper rash and seems to be having an upset tummy so I'm glad we're going in.

I also had a little issue at work the same day and really, it was silly. But anytime my integrity is questioned I get really upset. All it came down to was miscommunication, but still, I felt ill over it until we figured out what really happened. Ugh.

So, here's to a great weekend! Today Logan and I are hanging out all.day.long! The weather has been nice so maybe a trip to the park after our appointment.

One of THOSE Weeks

I won't lie: this week was rough. We had so much going on and a few job-related issues that even writing about it now is difficult. However, everything has seemed to resolve itself so no real reason to worry about it any more.

I turned 27 on Thursday. I worked at 6am and spent the afternoon hanging out with Logan. We were heading to the park and got rained on. B came home from work and made the most wonderful spaghetti I've had in a long time! We had a friend over to watch TRON. Not my fav and Disney still has a way of sneaking in really bad sexual innuendos that we mostly made fun of it the entire time. Overall I had a nice time, but it was just like any other day and I'm okay with that.

On Friday I rode my new bike to work and back. It felt great!! Just under a 4 mile ride one way. My legs still feel like jelly! I am so out of shape and really hope that this helps me tone things up. I am nearly 11 pounds under my prepreg weight and not by accident. It's just happened so I'm really hoping to build up some more muscle mass by riding as often as I can. All we need is a trailer for Logan to sit in and then the entire fam can ride around town.

In the mix of all this I have been dealing with crippling stomach and abdominal pains. No sooner did I get over the Hand Foot and Mouth disease did the stomach issues begin. I'm a veteran to stomach pain, unfortunately, and over the last 10+ years I've gone back and forth to the doctor to try and figure out what's going on. In college I was diagnosed with IBS and other than that I've not had any other real diagnosis as to what ails me. So I'm taking things into my own hands. My blood work this week came back perfect. I'm trying a new stomach-relaxing medication that does not hold off the cramping more than a few hours. Several family and friends have suggested it could be dietary and while I have felt they may certainly be right, I've not wanted to admit the truth I am now seeing. The problem is what the heck in my diet is causing such pains?! The most obvious seems milk and milk products (whey, lactose, etc) but can I just say how OBSESSED I am with anything cream? I mean, this is going to be a very hard breakup for me. I just in the research stage and figuring out where to shop and what to buy. I can't go until Wednesday and even then I'm not sure I'll be ready. Hopefully over the next few weeks I will be slowly transitioning into a dairy-free lifestyle. I'm going to do a 10 day challenge without it and try to reintroduce a few things on the 11th-14th days to see how they affect me. I'll be journaling about the entire experience here.

Today? Well today I have the day off with my one and only so we're going to head downtown with the wee one and play at the splash pad. Our THREE YEAR anniversary is on Monday--wow!

Nothing Short of a Miracle

Imagine the day you found out you were going to become a mother for the first time, or the second or third. Imagine the butterflies you felt, the smile you saw spread across your husbands face and the joy you felt every time your babe rolled around, telling you in his most special way that "I'm here". Thinking of these priceless moments brings tears to my eyes. Pregnancy was one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced, no matter how achy or huge I felt, it was all worth it.

On Saturday morning I arrived at the hospital promptly at 0655am (everything is in military time!). Moments later I received a call that a woman came into the hospital and delivered a baby so quickly we had no time to register her. A few hours later I was went up to have mom sign a few things and get on my way. In the mean time we had been hearing how crazy this labor was, but no details. As the nurse was giving me her room number I asked what had been so crazy about it. This mama had come into the hospital fully expecting to deliver a baby without a heartbeat. Two months earlier she was told her baby had no fetal heart tones. Imagine the pain she must have been feeling from the second she heard those words. You can't. I can't. I cannot even fathom how the blood must have drained from her head and how she probably cried every single day up until she felt the first pain of labor. You can only wrap your head around something like that so much without actually having experiencing and no one should ever have to experience something like that.

My heart sank. For a split second I felt faint and considered sending someone else in to have her sign the forms. But that was not the case. No, this mama, by the grace of God, delivered a HEALTHY, THRIVING, baby girl. She had perfect APGARS and did not even need attention in the NICU. I quite literally gasped. And then I laughed. Joy, relief. I don't know which had me in a fit of tearful excitement that this tragedy turned into the most incredible miracle I have ever heard of. Amazement. I knocked on her door, entered the room and smiled at her. Glanced at her mother holding her granddaughter and smiled again. Mama was beside herself.

And that is why I want to be a midwife.

Finding My Passion...At the Hospital

Working in a hospital has been wonderful. I'd like to point out that 5 years ago I never thought such a thing would even enter my mind. I hated hospitals. Anyone I'd ever known who'd been in the hospital was sick and/or died. I was just coming to the age where friends were starting to have babies. When I received news of a friend going into labor I could not wait to visit her. But wait. She was in the hospital. I instantly felt sick to my stomach. I called up a friend and begged him to go with me. We waited for the call that the little one had arrived and dashed over for a visit. Now that I have had a baby, I realize how crazy that is now! I'd never want that many people coming to see me after just having had a baby. Thankfully, my friend was way too excited, or so it seemed, to show of her new bundle and did not think twice about kicking any of us out.

The fear of being in a hospital quickly started to phase and I even went back the next day when things were less chaotic and I was able to hold her new daughter.

Since then, I have had a ride in the ambulance after fainting in the food hall in college, I've had a baby and spent several nights walking back and forth from the NICU to my mama room. I guess you could say I've become used to it. So when I started looking for a new job back in December, the hospital was the only place I was looking. Of all the places to work in town, this is by far the BEST place to work. Here or the school district or a brewery.

When I found out I had an interview I was shocked. This was not the first time I had applied for jobs with the hospital. I'd probably applied 50 times before over the last few years for random positions and all of a sudden within a month of sending my application in I had an interview. And then a 2nd interview. And then an offer. I was in the system! excitement flowed through me. B was so happy. It was just the kind of change our little family needed.

Now that I have been here 2 months as of yesterday I can honestly say I love it here. I never want to leave. In fact, rather than going back to school to be a teacher, something which I have always felt I have even had to convince myself was the right thing when really, I knew teaching was not what I wanted to do, I will be going back to become a Certified Nurse Midwife. Yeah. Can you believe it?! When I go back is still up in the air. B wants to get his teaching certification first and then I will start with some pre-recs for nursing school, get my RN and then begin my midwifery fellowships. Yes, this is going to take YEARS for me to accomplish but I could not be more excited. I know that if I don't do this now that 10 years from now I will be wishing I had. Whereas once I finish school 10 years from now I will be delivering babies.

After lots of prayer and finally getting a great feel for the hospital lifestyle, meeting and talking to labor and delivery nurses, whom I see multiple times a day to admit laboring mamas, I am certain that this is exactly when God intended for me to find my passion. Sure, it would have been nice to have known when I was in college. I think I was supposed to have a child and really know what it was like to go through pregnancy, labor and delivery, and even experience what the NICU is like for me to truly feel led to join the women's health field. I'm almost 27. I don't think it's too late. Really, it's never too late.

the rundown

>I really hate doing these drive by posts but that is just how it is right now.

• Logan has been sick for over 2 weeks now and for a little more than that time he has barely been eating, has diarrhea at least once a day and since his last weigh in 8 days ago he has lost a pound. I took him into see the pedi this afternoon because when we came home from work/daycare he could not put any weight on his right leg. I panicked. I mean full on freaked. I was rushing around to get changed from my work clothes and Logan was crying and could not stand up. I had just seen his doctor at our hospital and knew she was not in the office so I quickly called the office to see what I should do. They had an appointment with the next best doc and we dashed over there. In the mean time, Logan was becoming more tolerable of whatever pain was going on in his leg, baring more weight on it and taking assisted steps. I was beginning to think I was a crazy mama who should have just waited things out but then I thought it was good to take him in anyway. The antibiotics and steroid he was prescribed over a week ago were not making one dent in his cough and overall well being. He spiked a fever of 101.4 on Sat and without motrin it stayed put and he was in my arms all.day.long. Trust me, I LOVE the snuggles and love he has been giving but not at the expense of him feeling shitty. His fever broke sometime yesterday afternoon and I summed it up to be a totally unrelated new virus he brought home. Regardless, his pedi was wayyyy more concerned about the weight loss and lack of appetite so we will be going back in on Friday for a weight check and then about a week after that for his 15 month check up. Oh my stars I am exhausted. I am tired and worried and frustrated that my sweet boy is sick. I've cried off and on all weekend with him. 
• I'm still fighting off my cold. Taking care of myself and a sick baby at the same time is next to impossible and explains why I am still just as ill today as I was three days ago. Oy.
• Logan and I did the March of Dimes walk on Saturday and I have a feeling the biting wind did not help whatever virus was just coming on. He was miserable most of the time, crying and sleeping on and off. I was nearly running, although I felt just as bad as he did. I am glad we did it. March of Dimes is a charity I feel very strongly about. I only wish we could have done it under better circumstances and had the same amount of fun most of you had.
• A few of you have asked about my job. First of all: I FREAKING LOVE IT! I love the people and what I'm doing. It is a ton of work and a lot to learn but everyone is so gracious and easy to talk to. I feel 100% comfortable asking for help and even being on my own for most of the time. All I will say is that I now work in a hospital (hence seeing our pedi there today). I've always wanted to work there and it has been an incredible life change. The only sucky part is hearing about the bad stuff. My office looks out to the helipad and according to my coworkers we rarely ever see patients brought in and/or taken away and there were TWO here today. One was for a newborn who died and was revived and flown to Childrens. I was instantly taken back to when Logan was born and how we had know idea what was going on with him. I have been praying for the baby and parents all day and have been extra emotional. I think it's good, though, that I hear about these things now so that I can get a thicker skin for it. That might sound bad but I don't want to be wiping tears away every time I hear a tragic story, especially coming from the L&D or Peds. 
• Anyway, that is how things are right now. I wish they were less frantic but heck, that would just be too boring! Ha...hope you're all having a great week so far.

It happens every time

>So it seems. This is the first time in three years that I have started a new job and 10 days in I'm already sick.  I'm sure that Logan brought something home from daycare and we must be fighting off the same nasties. I remember three years ago when I started my previous job and the second night I had one of the worst sinus infections I'd ever had. I was working the night shift and felt so bad that I called in sick on the second day. Good thing the person who was training me knew how yucky I felt the night before so I knew she didn't think I was faking it (I get very self-conscious about people thinking this about me). Anyway, a week ago my supervisor told me straight up that I would get sick and it would be soon. I tried to scoff that off because B has been sick three times in the last 5 weeks with nasty stuff and both Logan and I have been able to stave it all off. Apparently Logan and I have the same immune system because we're both sick. YUCK! I hate it. I hate head colds and feeling like my balance is off because I can't hear anything. I do feel a little better today and am taking the day to rest and clean the house. Logan is at daycare for a few more hours so I better get going.

Of reactions and sickness

>The last few days have been rather crazy. And not really in a good way.

Last Thursday, I was informed that I should get two immunizations for work (by my employer). They were DTAP and Meningitis. I have had both, several years ago, and never had any issues with reactions. DTAP is known to be a sore shot at the site. Redness and slight swelling are almost expected symptoms, as is it with just about any immunization and with these, the shot has a small portion of the live virus in it. So Thursday night I was hurting. I had a shot given in each arm in the upper portion of my tricep muscle. Why it has to go into the muscle, I don't know! But I slept horribly, to say the least.

Friday I was still in training and pretty much grinned and bared it all the way through. I took ibrpofin to keep the soreness at bay but I was in some serious pain. I could hardly concentrate on the important material I was trying to absorb. Now, one thing about me that kind of sucks is that I do not tolerate pain very well and I make sure that everysingleperson knows it. Because I was training with new people I did not say one word about how I was feeling so I saved up all that complaining energy for B. Initially, he gave me the side eye for being such a baby over simple immunizations. Get over yourself, is what I kept seeing come across B's face but he just happens to be the most amazing husband and would never dare say something like that to me. I was already in tears from the pain. 

Saturday morning I woke up (from what little sleep I had-sleeping on my arms was impossible) and was in so much pain. The soreness was not going away and up until this point I had paid little attention to how my arms actually looked. I was so focused on the pain I did not even bother to check on the sites. Well I finally did and WOAH! My arms were so swollen and red. The sites were HOT to the touch. I knew that was not good and I felt worse that I had since the first day. Took my temp and had a fever. I cannot even tell you the last time I had a fever! Later, it dawned on me that as mamas we keep an eye on a fever after our babies have immunizations and it was rather ironic to me that I spiked one. All of these symptoms are considered mild side effects to the vacs, things which are not normal, but also not unusual (as that is how the ER doc explained it). Oh yeah, the ER (errr Urgent Care). So I called my supervisor and told her what was going on. She then called our big boss and he asked that I go to the ER or urgent care because something like this would fall under workers comp and I had know I idea how much worse I could get.

(I just want to point out that had this been a reaction to vacs given to me by my PCP and NOT work related I would have just sucked it up at home-I thought urgent care was a bit much but heck, I do what I'm told.)

Saturday around noon I headed to UC with my kindle. I knew it would be a really long wait being that it was Saturday and my priority was like, not one at all. Three hours. All to be told to keep icing and ibprofining it up. Duh. I knew that. Today, my arms are much better. Still a little tender to the touch but not painful. Does this mean I will never be able to receive these vacs again? I have no idea. I have yet to follow up with my PCP. If I find out, I'll let you know.

***

On top of all this Logan has been sick. Bad cold which we are certain he got at daycare. Pretty normal and nothing we can't handle, although trying to carry a 22 pound child while my arms were in serious pain was no fun at all. He's still not feeling great and I can see three more top teeth inching their way in.

THEN I get sick. I'm sick. Wow. I have not said that since last June. I rarely ever get sick anymore and I am certain that Logan got me sick this time. Ha...blaming it on my child. Great mama here! lol I feel pretty crappy and am doing everything I can to try to keep it at bay. Still have a ton of training and practice going on at work and I really cannot afford to miss any days. So please pray that Logan and I get well soon and that B does not pick up what we've got. Also for motivation to keep the house picked up. We are moving in less than a month and there are two boxes packed. Thats it. 

Wednesday Mish-Mash

>

(found Logan asleep like this a few nights ago)

• My running re-cap for last week is pretty lame due to the fact that I only ran twice and the weather was crappy. I still go up and down on how motivated I am to get out there and do it. I know for sure that I hate running inside on a treadmill. Seeing how long and how far I have been running actually makes it harder for me to keep going. I have a better/faster pace, but the moment I hit one mile the wind in my sails goes away and I justify running a mile and that was good enough. 
• I'm still trying to decide what kind of runner I want to be. Maybe running 1-2 miles a few times a week is all I really want to do. I know regardless, the fact that I am doing it at all is good. I'm staying active and healthy. A few goals I have set are not realistic for me--not yet anyway. 
• I am so effing sick of the cold, windy weather I could cry. Seriously. Come on summer!
• My new job is going very well! I love what I am doing and the opportunities I have. Only been there two days and I already have a chance of becoming a full time benefit eligible employee, which has been my goal all along. The people are so nice!
• Logan has been in daycare the last two days and has been bit a total of 3 times. Yes, my child is coming home with bruises! I would be lying if I said I was just kinda mad. I'm fuming!! My heart breaks at the thought of Logan being hurt by another kiddo. Seems that there are a few biters in his class and he is not the only one being bit. This makes me feel a little better and after a long conversation with the director yesterday they have a very solid plan on how to get the biting to stop. He is home with me today and will return the rest of the week. If he is bit again I might just loose it on them!
• I'm going shopping today for new clothes for work and I'm actually pretty excited about it! I love getting new clothes.
• I cannot finish a cup of coffee at home to save my life but at work I drink 2-3 cups in an hour! What the?
• And that is it. Have a great week everyone!!

More Changes

>I keep saying how amazing 2011 has been for us this year and gosh darn it things just keep getting better with each passing day! Still no news on the house for a closing date, but we will for sure be moving out of our apartment in May no matter what.YAY! The thing I've been keeping from you? Whelp...

I GOT A NEW JOB!

This is HUGE. If you know me at all you know that just happen to be one of the most loyal people around (annoyingly so-I'm sure!) and keeping a job is no different. I have been at my current job for nearly 3 years and I work with seniors. I never could have imagined how much love I could have for the old folks. This is so bittersweet. I am not just leaving behind friendships in employees but also 140 grandparents. I did not come to this decision lightly. It was time for me to move on and find a way to integrate teaching into my work life. I am very close to getting my substitute teaching license and my schedule at my new job should allow me to sub at least once a week. Obviously school is coming to a close so I may not sub before the end of May but I will be ready to go come August. Out of protection for myself and my family I will not be sharing where my new job is. Just know that this is a VERY good thing. I could not be happier. :)

A Series of Fortunate Events

>This week has been one of the best weeks in a verrrrryyyyy long time.

• I am loving my new work schedule. I spend my entire morning with Logan. We usually have breakfast together, play for awhile, read books, listen to music, take a shower, watch Dinosaur Train and take a nap. Sometimes I nap or sometimes, like today, I catch up on Greek and write. Having Mondays and Fridays off has been awesome. I work two days, get a day off, work three days, another day off. I LOVE IT!!! Not to mention, we don't have to pay for child care!!
• Buying a house. This whole process has been such a whirlwind! I cannot believe how fast we have found a house and gone under contract. I never imagined it would be so quick for us and so far, everything has been great. We met with our lender yesterday and that went really well. We need to set up our inspection for next week and then we are done, as long as the inspection goes well.
• Money. This is always an up and down issue. A few good months here, a few bad months there. We were just blessed with some extra money and it could not have come at a better time! So Logan and I are going to go and do some birthday shopping today!!

What else is there to say? I am so happy!!

Still in the Woods

>Kinda.

Our child care situation is looking up, however it will be a major blow to our bank account. But we have no other options. So I have broken one of my mommy "I will nevers" and enrolled Logan into an infant daycare center. He will start on Tuesday and I am actually excited for him. He is going to love all the toys and interactions with children. The center was clean and the people were friendly. It is highly regarded in our community and I figure if we're gonna go broke we might as well go broke with the best care...right??
Anyway...glad that headache is semi-solved.

And where in the woods am I? Well...still having stomach issues. Again, I am not knocked up! I promise. This is severe abdominal pain that is coming and going and after revisit webmd.com tonight, I have all the symptoms of acute pancreatitis. I'm going to keep waiting it out though. I went all day today and the last two days with not much more than some mild nausea. I will be calling my doctor in the morning, just to let her know what's been going on. Knowing her, she will want me to go in and do a blood test, etc. She has closely monitored this since I first had it, always asking me about how my stomach has felt at every well woman check I go to each year. So that is where I'm at. If it is the onset of this horrible illness, I will have one hell of a shitty week ahead. Just sayin.

Faker

>Today was one of those days where I just wished I could have walked away or pushed my "easy" button and been done with it.

I am faking the nice, smiley, happy-to-help, willing to bend over backwards, etc. face and should win an Oscar for it. I hate what I'm doing right now and I just want to stay home with my baby.

Hey, but at least I'm faking it, right?

A Little Random

>

It's probably a good thing that I have not had a lot to write about lately. That means things are getting better around here. However, just because things are better does not mean I should only write about stuff when life sucks. So here is what we have been up to:

** We found a sitter! She is actually a friend and has a little boy just a few months younger than Logan and today they played hard! I also found a home daycare that I have put Logans name down on a the waitlist for May when I go back to school. I have learned my lesson of not waiting until the last minute to find RELIABLE childcare.

** Logan has been up and down the last few days. My mom had him on Wednesday and said he had a screaming fit for nearly a half hour. Just totally inconsolable. That night he did that twice after he had been in bed already. Screaming, not wanting to eat, etc. On and off for the last few nights, we've had to get up to console him. We dropped Logan off at his sitters house (more on that later) and after an hour I got a text that he had been screaming for almost an hour. She could not console him and he was tugging on his ears. Oh dear. So I left work and took him to urgent care. Turns out he does not have an ear infection (THANK GOD!), however, he does have a cold and his stuffy nose has caused his eustatian tube (runs between your ear and nose) to swell and is now causing obvious discomfort. There is no way for this to go away without the cold going away. So I am home with my clingy, snotty, weepy baby. I can't lie that I would much rather be here than work, even if it is to take care of a sick baby.

Happiness

>

Oh I am so happy.

The last few days have been great. I have been enjoying every second with my family and work has slowed down to its normal pace that I feel like I can breathe again.

Friday night I had my parents over and made the most amazing Chicken Enchiladas! Wanna try it out? Go HERE. The only thing I do differently is sub in cream of chicken soup rather than cream of mushroom and instead of milk I add a can of enchilada sauce. Makes the flavors just pop! Also, I add more chilies. We like it hot in this house! So yummy and I have two more to make for lunch today! We ate dinner and had great conversation. Then we watched The Book of Eli and it was amazing! One of the best movies I have seen in a long time. Denzel Washington is ALWAYS amazing in whatever he does, but this is a career-topper in my book. Mila Kunis is in it and I have always enjoyed the movies and TV shows she's been in. After the movie my parents left and then B and I just spent some alone time together before going to bed. It was so nice to just feel happy again. Relieved. So much weight off my sholders.

Saturday I worked and when I got home Logan was sleeping. B and I have been playing Red Dead Redemption together since June when I bought it for his birthday and it's the first game I have ever finished! I'm just looking for treasures and doing hunting challenges now. I love it. Then we left for our friends house for dinner. These friends of mine are in their 40s and we love them! They are so fun and young parents. Their son is only 11 months older than Logan. They got along great and played all night! Logan had been going to bed at 6pm all week and last night he was up until 9pm! He played hard. We had a great time eating yummy pork chops and drinking a lot of red wine! I had so much fun I didn't want to leave!

Today I was up with Logan at 7am. We had pancakes for breakfast. While he played, I cleaned house. Bathrooms, floors and laundry all done! And it's 10am! Logan is down for a nap now. My mom is coming over to bake some pies for Thanksgiving because her oven is on the fritz. I am looking forward to all the yummy smells and momma time. B is working today.

I hope you all have a great Sunday! I hope to get some Santa pics of Logan this week sometime!

oh this again

>

It is November 10th and the teperature finally dropped below 60* long enough to give us a dusting and when I say dusting I mean it is still snowing. And I love it. Watching snow fall is so peaceful and that is what I need so much right now.

Today was rough, or more so, the afternoon was rough. Work was fine and then someone asked me how I was doing and BAM I lost it. I sat at my desk and wiped tear after tear away as I went on and on about missing my sweet babe. About how depressed it is making me to have him in someones care that is not my own.

I am learning very quickly that being a mother tests you in so many different ways that each time you come to something challenging you think, "This is the hardest thing I've gone through--as a parent--or ever." And I know that those challenges will only change as time goes by. This challenge just happens to be one that is eating me through the core. The night Logan was admitted to the NICU I felt like there could be nothing worse or harder. I grieved it for the first few months. Then I had to quit nursing him and that topped the NICU stay. I grieved that for months and I STILL miss it. Then I had to go back to work. At first, that was not too hard. I missed Logan, but he was at an age that was still easy. He wasn't mobil, he wasn't doing much of anything, really. Now he is doing something new and different everyday and I am missing most of it. This grief and the ache in my heart is yanking at every last fiber of my being. You know like when you pull your hair up to a pony and there is one tiny piece you can't find but is pinching you? Yeah, it's like that times a billion. I am going to do everything I possibly can to work towards being a stay at home mom. It won't be for a few months, but I am going to bust my ass until then. Heck I may even get creative and start an ETSY shop. Who knows.

I know I have been airing my heart on here over this strief for a few weeks now and if you keep reading til the end, I thank you. It means a lot to me. I have to write it down. I have to have a place to share it. Not for you, but for me. Please continue to keep this whole situation in your prayers. They are helping me stay strong and not just quit at the drop of a hat and leave B stranded to fend for our family with very little to go on. I would never do that. But I am breaking. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The Problem

>

I had a beautiful post of all the songs for day 24? and it was pefect and I even had matching lyrics, my favorites, of the songs that appeared on my random shuffle when all of a sudden blogger pooped out on me. All my stuff disappered and that is why I screamed at blogger last night. So, this will sound odd being that I have been on here for over 2 years now, but do any of you NOT use the typical Blogger "new post" page and something else to write your post out? I have issues loading pictures, etc. I just wanna make it work!

PS. This week has been terrible and I hope and pray that by Sunday morning the week is anew and all is well. I have been up since 2:30am with a very sick little boy. Coughing and crying all night. We laid on the couch together. We slept tummy to tummy, but I really did not sleep at all. I dozed on and off until 6am when I had to get up. While it was the most exhausting night I've had since Logan was a newborn, only because I had to work all day, I did love feeling him breath on my chest, take his little fist and grip the collar of my shirt, and snuggle in close. I have seen so much change in Logan over the last few days. He has a fear of water now. He screams bloody murder if I even try to put him in the tub for a bath so I will try a shower tomorrow. I am sure the steam will help his congestion as well. Anyway, I have seen Logan's awareness of his surroundings and where I am grow ten fold and it is amazing to watch. I am so glad to see that happen. I want him to be aware of things and then it is my job to show him that the bath is okay and safe. But not tonight. Tonight he went to bed in the same clothes I put him in last night and now I am off to sleep. My eyes, if I let them, would probably bleed if I stayed up any longer.

Night friends.

Dead and Gone

>

**part 1**

I work with seniors. I work with people who have lived through the most incredible changes our country has ever seen. I work with people who's age is 80 something and who play like 8 year olds. I work with people who complain about the food, the wash, the games, the movies, the everythings. I work with people who give hugs freely, share memories, and give unsolicited advice. Nothing is harder than saying goodbye to any one of these people. Not because they moved out, but because they moved on. My heart has never hurt so much in one weeks time. My heart has never seen the kind of pain I saw yesterday, the kind of lifelessness that smokes out a room, the kind of ringing in your ears when you realize that the Queen Bee is not just sleeping deeply, she's sleeping forever. Nothing can prepare you for death except when it is expected. Nothing can prepare you for death when it is the least expected thing, the least expected person and only God knows why it was that time. Only God knows why she was witty and happy, yet tired and slow, the very day before he took her into His arms. Only God knows why I was the one working yesterday, the one who was to see her name show up on my list of those who had not checked in yet, the one who was to knock softly on her door, say her name, hear silence in response and find her there, but gone. Only God knows why it was me. And I have no idea, still, but never has there been a week seen full of trial and shock.

**part 2**

As I shook her arm, shouting her name and thinking "she must be sleeping deeply", I felt a wave wash over me with the simple realization that something was not right. I dialed 911 and as my support arrived to help me, I fell to the floor shaking. The phone was taken from me. I looked up at my manager and he shook his head at me, quietly saying in the most obvious way that she's not with us anymore. I felt my ears get boxed. I felt my chest collapse and I felt my arms and legs go numb. I heard one say, "get her out of here" as I was lifted by my arms and dragged into the hall and then again to the other room. Sobbing and panic do not even come close to how I was reacting. I felt like I was outside of my body watching a movie from above, watching this woman fall apart while another lay lifeless in bed. Finding a friend like that is the single most horrific thing I have ever seen and experienced in my entire life. It was the worst day of my life, to date. I tried to think of something worse, but what is worse than finding a dead body? Nothing. Whether old, young, middle aged, nice, mean...whatever.

**part 3**

I sobbed over my managers shoulder, smearing his collar with masquera, asking him if there really was no pulse. Nothing sank in until the EMTs arrived and I heard one tell the others, "Code Black. Stand down." It was as if she was sitting next to me and a peace finally came over me. No, not peace, but a presence. I felt her leave the room through her open patio door and never before had I known that was indeed her spirit's breeze. I sat on her couch and let myself calm down. I left her room after a few minutes and as I headed down the hall back to my desk I saw tears in the eyes of her friends and other employees. An earthquake rocked our world and the ground literally felt uneven. I hugged everyone. No one could believe what had happened and no one could believe I had to be the one to find her. Everyone told me to go take a break and while I knew I needed to eat something, I also knew that taking a break would just throw me back into the panic I was trying so hard to escape. So I sat down and did the best I could to get through the day. I did not do one lick of work but answer phones and greet people with puffy red eyes and a scratchy throat.

**conclusion**

I put myself at risk everyday to find a fallen resident or one like our Queen Bee. There are protocols and I did everything right and at the end of the day, I could not help by feel embarrassed. I also then felt that was quite silly. But until you go through this, you never know how you'll react and what you will do. The fact that I was able to get enough words out to 911 that there was no pulse was in and of itself a feat. I later learned that she had been gone for several hours. The image of her, both smiling at me 3 days earlier as we played bingo together and the look she left in her sleep, will haunt me for a very long time.