**part 1**
I work with seniors. I work with people who have lived through the most incredible changes our country has ever seen. I work with people who's age is 80 something and who play like 8 year olds. I work with people who complain about the food, the wash, the games, the movies, the everythings. I work with people who give hugs freely, share memories, and give unsolicited advice. Nothing is harder than saying goodbye to any one of these people. Not because they moved out, but because they moved on. My heart has never hurt so much in one weeks time. My heart has never seen the kind of pain I saw yesterday, the kind of lifelessness that smokes out a room, the kind of ringing in your ears when you realize that the Queen Bee is not just sleeping deeply, she's sleeping forever. Nothing can prepare you for death except when it is expected. Nothing can prepare you for death when it is the least expected thing, the least expected person and only God knows why it was that time. Only God knows why she was witty and happy, yet tired and slow, the very day before he took her into His arms. Only God knows why I was the one working yesterday, the one who was to see her name show up on my list of those who had not checked in yet, the one who was to knock softly on her door, say her name, hear silence in response and find her there, but gone. Only God knows why it was me. And I have no idea, still, but never has there been a week seen full of trial and shock.
**part 2**
As I shook her arm, shouting her name and thinking "she must be sleeping deeply", I felt a wave wash over me with the simple realization that something was not right. I dialed 911 and as my support arrived to help me, I fell to the floor shaking. The phone was taken from me. I looked up at my manager and he shook his head at me, quietly saying in the most obvious way that she's not with us anymore. I felt my ears get boxed. I felt my chest collapse and I felt my arms and legs go numb. I heard one say, "get her out of here" as I was lifted by my arms and dragged into the hall and then again to the other room. Sobbing and panic do not even come close to how I was reacting. I felt like I was outside of my body watching a movie from above, watching this woman fall apart while another lay lifeless in bed. Finding a friend like that is the single most horrific thing I have ever seen and experienced in my entire life. It was the worst day of my life, to date. I tried to think of something worse, but what is worse than finding a dead body? Nothing. Whether old, young, middle aged, nice, mean...whatever.
**part 3**
I sobbed over my managers shoulder, smearing his collar with masquera, asking him if there really was no pulse. Nothing sank in until the EMTs arrived and I heard one tell the others, "Code Black. Stand down." It was as if she was sitting next to me and a peace finally came over me. No, not peace, but a presence. I felt her leave the room through her open patio door and never before had I known that was indeed her spirit's breeze. I sat on her couch and let myself calm down. I left her room after a few minutes and as I headed down the hall back to my desk I saw tears in the eyes of her friends and other employees. An earthquake rocked our world and the ground literally felt uneven. I hugged everyone. No one could believe what had happened and no one could believe I had to be the one to find her. Everyone told me to go take a break and while I knew I needed to eat something, I also knew that taking a break would just throw me back into the panic I was trying so hard to escape. So I sat down and did the best I could to get through the day. I did not do one lick of work but answer phones and greet people with puffy red eyes and a scratchy throat.
**conclusion**
I put myself at risk everyday to find a fallen resident or one like our Queen Bee. There are protocols and I did everything right and at the end of the day, I could not help by feel embarrassed. I also then felt that was quite silly. But until you go through this, you never know how you'll react and what you will do. The fact that I was able to get enough words out to 911 that there was no pulse was in and of itself a feat. I later learned that she had been gone for several hours. The image of her, both smiling at me 3 days earlier as we played bingo together and the look she left in her sleep, will haunt me for a very long time.
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Leave some Lovin!