A Healthier Me

Time for a health update!

• My anxiety has been under the radar now for most of the last 3.5 months since I started Cymbalta. I can tell a HUGE difference in how I feel. I didn't realize how depressed I was until I started to feel genuinely happy again. I don't cry as much and the fears I have (and acknowledge) are realistic. I've had a few moments of panic due to some big life changes going on right now. But I feel those have been okay moments to have a little freak out over. ;)


• Running has been going well. It started out terrible. I thought I would run in the early AM before I got ready for work and I had to be serious with myself--I hate getting up earlier than I have to. So I did it one time and my initial thoughts were a) I hated that run and b) well at least my run is done for the day! I can see how many people enjoy this time of day for a run, it's just not for me. Since that run I have been out 3 other times. Twice for runs and once for a very long hike. We did a 5 mile hike on Monday and it was rough! Quite steep in many areas and another testament to my being totally out of shape. I actually told B that I hoped this hike would help condition me for my next run. And it did! I ran last night 2 miles in 17:15!! I was shocked by how great I felt! I had the early burn that I pushed through and only walked twice for less than 30 sec each, then sprinted the last block and a half home. I wish every run felt that great!


• Goals: To run a 5K by the end of the summer AND meet my goal weight at the same time.


• My weight is getting better! I have gained 5 pounds in the last 5 weeks, which is what I was aiming for. I have to eat over 2000 calories a day to ensure that I gain a pound a week. I will continue to do this until I have reached my goal weight which both my nutritionist and doctor have agreed on.


• The lactose intolerance is under control. If I know I'm eating something with cream or milk in it, I take 1-2 lactaid pills and I don't feel a thing! I was not able to do this 6 months ago as my system was too sensitive. The GERD and IBS are still hit and miss thing.s..sometimes I can have a red sauce with my pasta, and sometimes I can't. I still take a med for that which certainly helps.


• Overall, I feel like I can eat more of the things I like and have a really good understanding of the things I just can't have, period. Coffee, onions, and acidic foods are no good, no matter the medication. I miss red onions! I used to cook with them all the time!

How is your health? Any summer goals?

on my diet

I met with the dietitian last week. I had been looking forward to the visit since I'd made the appointment two weeks ago. My insurance had already approved four visits for me and I could not wait to get more answers.

B got the time off work so he could join me. I am so glad he was there. It is very difficult to relay all that information, as I will try to do here, and since he was there the communication and understanding is clear.

I went into the meeting expecting her to tell me all the things I should and should not eat, along with the list I'd already started. In educating myself about lactose intolerance I believed that there was next to nothing that didn't contain even a trace of milk or whey protein. It's in so.much.stuff. What she told me, however, is that while there is lactose in bread (for example), the amount of it in a single slice is minimal and the chances of that tiny amount affecting me is next to none. And I know this to be true. I can eat a turkey sandwich no problem.

I shared what my regular diet consists of. I'm lacking heavily in my fruits in veggies, which is hard because berries, peppers, tomatoes...these all affect my GERD, especially if I don't take the prilosec. I also learned I'm 15 pounds underweight. FIFTEEN people!! I'm 5'9'' and 120 pounds (nekked) or 123 clothed. The plan is to increase my calories all while trying to gain healthy weight. She is not expecting me to gain 15 pounds, but to get to a healthier weight in which I feel better. My personal goal is not a certain number. It's the same as hers. I felt best right around 130-133. My clothes fit great and I had more energy. She wants me to eat at least 6 times a day. Three full meals and at least one snack in between each meal, including a snack before bed time.

Speaking of meds, the prilosec is really the only med I must take and if I take it later in the day it seems to throw my entire system off. I feel a huge difference in taking it and know it is helping with both the GERD and IBS. I'm also taking a probiotic. I'm not feeling a difference one way or another, but the dietitian indicated that it could take several months before that has a true effect on my symptoms. Lastly I take a tummy relaxer. I've only needed to take it once a day, usually in the evening when I can tell the prilosec is wearing off. I can take it up to 3 times if I need to and won't. That shit backs me up bad and since I'm done to one a day things are much better.

Overall, I am encouraged. I'm doing a 6 day diet study. Our next visit will go over all the specific numbers with that study and possibly help narrow down where certain symptoms come from. The last two days have been great. But I know that this is not a quick fix. My history shows that I have 2-4 good days and then a bad day in between. Hopefully those will become fewer as my diet becomes more controlled.

skinny love

Bon Iver is my most favorite thing to listen to right now. Birdy, a youtube gal, covered his song and it's beautiful! His song Skinny Love is my fav and seems fitting for how things are with me right now.

I'm too thin. This is not news to me or anyone else, but I cannot even remember the last time I was 120 pounds. It has to be my first year of college which, if I'm counting right, was nearly TEN years ago. I hate how things don't fit well and how self-conscious I feel about it. Everyone compliments me and says nice things, but then they also say stuff like "you NEED that cookie-eat up girl!" and I say a quiet prayer that the cookie will help me gain some weight, but it doesn't.

This battle with my health has reached a breaking point emotionally. I'm done being angry, I'm just sad now. The pains are controlled with drugs for now and as soon as I can I will wean myself off. For now, that could be a year away. I'm seeing a nutritionist next week to make sure I'm getting enough calories and figure out how I can gain some more weight. I'm very tall and based on height and weight I'm underweight by at least 10 pounds. I felt best right around 130 which is where I was when B and I got married. My clothes fit well, I felt great and healthy. So that's my goal.

But never in my life have I ever felt so sad about food. It feels like divorce. I've never had one and both my parents are married, but I have friends and other family members how have gone through it. Giving up things I love like cheese, red onions, and buttermilk pancakes has me in tears. I broke down on Christmas Eve. We were on our way to a family party and I knew that there would be very little I could eat. I'd made deviled eggs and brought strawberries for dessert. I knew I could have those, but not all night! I managed with yummy meatballs and fresh veggies but OMG my heart was breaking when I saw the queso. No queso for me! Or the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzels we got in a gift basket? Nope.

I've always had the kind of metabolism which has allowed me to eat whatever I want without gaining too much. The most I ever ate and gained weight was of course when I was pregnant. Now, I'm holding on to 120 pounds without letting one more pound slip off. This is not how our society thinks. I'm sure there are people out there who would scoff at me for complaining about how thin I am but they don't know me. They don't know that eating has become a dreaded chore for me, that I cry when I think about how I might never figure everything out that's bad for me and continue to live in pain. That scares the shit out of me.

A friend once pointed out how ironic it is that we as humans almost idolize food and how that is one of the 7 deadly sins (glutney) and yet I'll bet people are thinking way more about their next meal or snack than they are about anything else (like praying). I start thinking about dinner first thing in the morning, before I've even eaten breakfast!

Thank you, friends, for sticking with me through this mess. It means so much to me to have the love and support from all my family and friends. On December 30th it will mark one year since this all started. A whole year.

a troubled tummy

I have not received my official diagnosis from the (lack of) findings from both of my procedures, however, I did read my pathology report. Just call it one of those perks of working in a hospital. As I said before, my visual reports were good: healthy and normal. No ulcers, polyps, cancer, etc...which is all good news. And, honestly, what I expected.

It's been over two weeks now and that "7-10 days" for results rule is out the window. So I read my own report, which is not breaking any rules (goodie-two-shoes here!), and the only diagnosis I found among all the medical terminology is that I do have some form of GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease). It's like acid reflux, but worse and in my case most likely chronic. Again, I have not been given my official diagnosis. This is just what I know from the report. More good things: I don't have Celiacs, Chrons, of H-Pilori bacteria, among other stomach-related diseases. I'm so glad for that.

BUT.

I still want an answer!! GERD is not curable, rather, it's managed by very strict dietary changes. I also suspect IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) or it's evil twin Irritable Bowel Disorder (IBD). I'm not sure which is which and what the differences are, but neither are curable either. Changing the way I eat along side medication (at least for now-until the pains subside) is what I'm going to have to do. There is still a chance my doctor could call on Tuesday and say none of the above and diagnose me with something else, or nothing at all and continue tests. I'd really like an of my gallbladder, just to be sure.

So this is where we sit. I've been mentally preparing myself for major dietary changes and when I say major I mean MONUMENTAL. 98% of the things I eat now are irritants. Irritants of GERD, IBS, IBD, and so on...nothing I've been eating as been good for me, even if you and everyone else might consider it healthy (ie: a salad).

Here's a taste (pun very much intended!) of what I have to avoid. And just for kicks I will also be eliminating gluten. Why? Well...why not?? I know a hand full of people who do not have celiac but some other ailment and going gluten free has improved their issue.

No...

• caffeine


• chocolate


• alcohol


• soda


• acidic foods


• spicy foods


• milk, cheese, yogurt, etc (no lactose, period.)


• wheat/barely


• fermentable foods (watermellon, avocado...)


• sugars (glucose...)


• anything deep-fried/breaded (french fries, boneless chicken wings)

Doesn't that look like fun!! :::enter sarcasm:::

Thank you, my dear readers, for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers through this whole mess. I truly hope that once I get things under control that I will be a much better, happier person and blogger. I'm not inspired to write about anything else for now. Until then I will keep you all updated on how things turn out. There is always a chance that none of this will work and that something else is going on. I hope that's not the case.

Have a great weekend!

2 days

This week has finally arrived. Two days, Friday, I get to take a medicated nap while a doctor tries to figure out what's going on with my stomach. I have not thought about this day until yesterday. I was working and out of no where, so it seemed, I felt my body begin to panic. I was pre-registering surgeries and in the back of my mind started to think about my own impending procedure. Thoughts of being sedated and the unknown flooded my mind. I tried to crush those thoughts away and focus on the patients in my office. The thoughts subsided, for the time, but my body reacted. I felt my chest get tight with heavy pain and my breathing was labored. For a moment I didn't know what to think, but then I realized I was having a panic attack. My body has not reacted this strongly to my anxiety in a long time. I just kept breathing through the pressure and praying that the patient wouldn't notice. Somehow, by the grace of God, I'm sure, I pressed through a rush of registrations.

I'm really quite nervous! I had no idea how anxious I was about this until the attack came on. Talking about it makes it easier and less worrisome. Also, thousands of people go through this procedure everyday. I will be okay! I just keep telling myself over and over. I'm much more calm about it. The only dread I have is drinking the magnesium citrate tomorrow night. YUCK!! Please pray friends, that the doctor finds out exactly what's going on, how to fix it, and that I'm not a crying nervous wreck Friday morning. B's mom is coming to stay with Logan. I love her so much! I feel so blessed to have such great family and friends supporting me through this, including all you blog friends. Bless you all!

Still in the Woods

>Kinda.

Our child care situation is looking up, however it will be a major blow to our bank account. But we have no other options. So I have broken one of my mommy "I will nevers" and enrolled Logan into an infant daycare center. He will start on Tuesday and I am actually excited for him. He is going to love all the toys and interactions with children. The center was clean and the people were friendly. It is highly regarded in our community and I figure if we're gonna go broke we might as well go broke with the best care...right??
Anyway...glad that headache is semi-solved.

And where in the woods am I? Well...still having stomach issues. Again, I am not knocked up! I promise. This is severe abdominal pain that is coming and going and after revisit webmd.com tonight, I have all the symptoms of acute pancreatitis. I'm going to keep waiting it out though. I went all day today and the last two days with not much more than some mild nausea. I will be calling my doctor in the morning, just to let her know what's been going on. Knowing her, she will want me to go in and do a blood test, etc. She has closely monitored this since I first had it, always asking me about how my stomach has felt at every well woman check I go to each year. So that is where I'm at. If it is the onset of this horrible illness, I will have one hell of a shitty week ahead. Just sayin.

Quarter-life Crisis

>The past few days have been great. I had a little tummy bug on New Years Eve but I was in no way going to let that stop me from enjoying the most expensive meal we had paid for all year. Lobster Ravioli, anyone?? YUM-O! My stomach is still not 100%. I am praying it's not some new-found intolerance to something like milk. That would just about kill me if I had to give up cream cheese on bagels and cookies n cream ice cream. For a short time I was actually fearing a pancreatitis reoccurrence. I had it 3.5 years ago, unexplained, and on Friday I had similar symptoms. However, the pain never even came close to how painful it was when I actually had it. That being said, I am certain it's not pancreatitis.

Among other things...I feel like I'm going through a quarter-life crisis trying to figure out which direction my life is going to go. I almost said "supposed to go" but who says what is "supposed to happen"? There are two things I know for certain: I am passionate about women, pregnancy, & childbirth as well as teaching. So I will be actively pursuing my certification in Brio Birth, a method similar to the Bradley Method, but different in some ways. It's the newest type of childbirth class is still fairly new, especially here in Colorado. I am also going to still pursue my teaching license in elementary ed, but how is kind of up in the air. We have huge news, which I cannot share just yet, but because of that news I will not be able to enter the program that I am still waiting to hear back from. I cannot leave B to support our family alone with some new upcoming expenses and because of that, I am looking to find something online that will have student teach at the end of the program, at which point we would be more prepared for me to not be working. Just so we're clear (since I can see all of your wheels turning) I am NOT pregnant. ;)

Also...we are on the hunt, yet AGAIN, for new childcare for Logan. I knew this was coming, but OMG did it creep up quickly! So say some prayers.