Mosh Posh

>July 15, 2010

This little ham is 5 months old now. OMG his legs are so delisiously chunky I just want to eat him up! This will be random due to my being very tired but having trouble going to be right now, watch out:

• We invested in new cloth diapers last weekend. gDiapers to be exact. So far, I like them. I like the method and taking care of the dredded poopy dipe is not has threating anymore. I will say they are quite expencive and I know that in the long run, it’s well worth it. But because of that, I have only invested so much into them so far that I need to wash them almost every day as oppose to every few days. We’ll get there. I love that he can wear them at night if I double the liners and he has no leaking issues.
• I have been having up and down days on my meds. First of all, I have trouble remember to take them. Secondly, I still feel the effects of my anxiety, only dulled. Dulled is better than the stronger, more aggressive alternative, however I am ready to nip this damn biotch in the ass and move on. I have a great thearipist whom I feel very comfortable with. We meet every few weeks and I actually look forward to seeing him. We’ve been talking about how I can’t stop thinking about and almost reliving Logan’s birthday, his stay in the NICU, my friend’s Baby K who died that same week, and quiting breastfeeding. It is all very heavy for me. I am angry, sad, scared, numb, lost, resentful, jealous, and hopeful. He said that is totally normal. I am greiving the things I missed out on due to Logan being in the NICU. For example (these are the biggies): skin to skin time for awhile after birth, nursing right after birth, no pit after birth (gave it to me since I did not BF right away to help ute shrink), HOLD HIM!!! OMG did you know that it was the NEXT DAY before I got to hold and hug my son after he was born? Yeah…worst effing night of my life. Rather than him being connected to me anymore, he was connected to wires, machines and a hospital bed. Ironic. Either way, I am dealing with a lot of these emotions right now.
• I am still trying to run every few days. My knee is giving me hell right now so if I don’t run, I go swim laps which I enjoy a lot more.
• I have HUGE news which I will disclose at a later date, so stay tuned. And NO, Logan is not getting a sibling anytime soon.