3 weeks

Today marks 3 weeks that I have been free of the mystery abdominal pain and I can honestly say I am surprised. Pleasantly, of course. The medication has evened out and while there are still a few annoying side effects, I will most likely stick with cymbalta.

I've seen so many good things come from this change. For example, I have been terrified for months (years!) to drive on the highway, especially alone and/or at night. Up until about a year ago I was able to use self-talk to get through the initial anxiety. Then I just couldn't do it anymore. If I knew I'd be going to Denver soon, I'd obsess over how anxious I would feel and worry about even getting into the car. It was debilitating. At times I just forced myself to get through it and I did, but not without the numbness, chest pain and racing thoughts.

Well, dear friends, I am happy to share that this weekend I drove to and from Denver without a second thought! Friday night we left before it became dark. B was really tired and I had no problem driving. The drive was flawless and I felt great! Then today I drove us home. We had wayyyyy too much fun last night and B was not even close to feeling okay to drive. I felt fine and again, managed to make it home without any anxiety or worried thoughts. I cannot even describe the comfort I'm feeling right now. This was such a huge hurdle for me to overcome and it was so much easier than I could have imagined.  The last 5 weeks on meds has made such a huge difference and I am no longer feeling ashamed over it. Some people, most it seems, need this kind of help at some point in their lives. I have no idea how long this will last but I'm accepting that it could be a very long time. And I'm totally okay with that.

on my diet

I met with the dietitian last week. I had been looking forward to the visit since I'd made the appointment two weeks ago. My insurance had already approved four visits for me and I could not wait to get more answers.

B got the time off work so he could join me. I am so glad he was there. It is very difficult to relay all that information, as I will try to do here, and since he was there the communication and understanding is clear.

I went into the meeting expecting her to tell me all the things I should and should not eat, along with the list I'd already started. In educating myself about lactose intolerance I believed that there was next to nothing that didn't contain even a trace of milk or whey protein. It's in so.much.stuff. What she told me, however, is that while there is lactose in bread (for example), the amount of it in a single slice is minimal and the chances of that tiny amount affecting me is next to none. And I know this to be true. I can eat a turkey sandwich no problem.

I shared what my regular diet consists of. I'm lacking heavily in my fruits in veggies, which is hard because berries, peppers, tomatoes...these all affect my GERD, especially if I don't take the prilosec. I also learned I'm 15 pounds underweight. FIFTEEN people!! I'm 5'9'' and 120 pounds (nekked) or 123 clothed. The plan is to increase my calories all while trying to gain healthy weight. She is not expecting me to gain 15 pounds, but to get to a healthier weight in which I feel better. My personal goal is not a certain number. It's the same as hers. I felt best right around 130-133. My clothes fit great and I had more energy. She wants me to eat at least 6 times a day. Three full meals and at least one snack in between each meal, including a snack before bed time.

Speaking of meds, the prilosec is really the only med I must take and if I take it later in the day it seems to throw my entire system off. I feel a huge difference in taking it and know it is helping with both the GERD and IBS. I'm also taking a probiotic. I'm not feeling a difference one way or another, but the dietitian indicated that it could take several months before that has a true effect on my symptoms. Lastly I take a tummy relaxer. I've only needed to take it once a day, usually in the evening when I can tell the prilosec is wearing off. I can take it up to 3 times if I need to and won't. That shit backs me up bad and since I'm done to one a day things are much better.

Overall, I am encouraged. I'm doing a 6 day diet study. Our next visit will go over all the specific numbers with that study and possibly help narrow down where certain symptoms come from. The last two days have been great. But I know that this is not a quick fix. My history shows that I have 2-4 good days and then a bad day in between. Hopefully those will become fewer as my diet becomes more controlled.

I Spoke Too Soon

>

I kid you not. The day I wrote the post about not having any withdrawl symptoms from weaning myself off of my anxiety medicaiton, I started to experience symptoms and ever since then, I have felt like a giant bag of shit. It comes in waves. I feel like I am on a roller coaster while eating a funnal cake and drinking tequilla at the same time. If I don't feel like puking, I am so dizzy my eyes shake. If I'm not dizzy, my stomach is turning over and over. And if you just so happen to speak to me with a tone in your voice I might just rip your head off. This effing sucks people! I feel like today has been the worst so far. I was at work and nearly in tears I was so frustrated from the way I was feeling and I know that it showed in how I was speaking with the residents. I really don't think I should be driving, either, but I have no choice. So stear clear. That is all.

Mosh Posh

>July 15, 2010

This little ham is 5 months old now. OMG his legs are so delisiously chunky I just want to eat him up! This will be random due to my being very tired but having trouble going to be right now, watch out:

• We invested in new cloth diapers last weekend. gDiapers to be exact. So far, I like them. I like the method and taking care of the dredded poopy dipe is not has threating anymore. I will say they are quite expencive and I know that in the long run, it’s well worth it. But because of that, I have only invested so much into them so far that I need to wash them almost every day as oppose to every few days. We’ll get there. I love that he can wear them at night if I double the liners and he has no leaking issues.
• I have been having up and down days on my meds. First of all, I have trouble remember to take them. Secondly, I still feel the effects of my anxiety, only dulled. Dulled is better than the stronger, more aggressive alternative, however I am ready to nip this damn biotch in the ass and move on. I have a great thearipist whom I feel very comfortable with. We meet every few weeks and I actually look forward to seeing him. We’ve been talking about how I can’t stop thinking about and almost reliving Logan’s birthday, his stay in the NICU, my friend’s Baby K who died that same week, and quiting breastfeeding. It is all very heavy for me. I am angry, sad, scared, numb, lost, resentful, jealous, and hopeful. He said that is totally normal. I am greiving the things I missed out on due to Logan being in the NICU. For example (these are the biggies): skin to skin time for awhile after birth, nursing right after birth, no pit after birth (gave it to me since I did not BF right away to help ute shrink), HOLD HIM!!! OMG did you know that it was the NEXT DAY before I got to hold and hug my son after he was born? Yeah…worst effing night of my life. Rather than him being connected to me anymore, he was connected to wires, machines and a hospital bed. Ironic. Either way, I am dealing with a lot of these emotions right now.
• I am still trying to run every few days. My knee is giving me hell right now so if I don’t run, I go swim laps which I enjoy a lot more.
• I have HUGE news which I will disclose at a later date, so stay tuned. And NO, Logan is not getting a sibling anytime soon.

Days 2 & 3.

>June 17, 2010

Yesterday I decided to take my meds in the morning, rather than at night. I could not risk getting so little sleep while needing to work and care for my family so I was willing to deal with nausea if need be. Surprise surprise I was not nauseaous. I was EFFING TIRED AS HELL! I could not for the life of me hardly keep my head off the desk. It was redic people. When I got home, Logan was anit nap as usual so I did not go to bed until almost 10 because…

:::::drumroll please:::::

I went for a run with our new jogger!

It was way to hot at 7:30 for a run, but it felt great and I am going to do it again tonight!

Today, the medication made me feel like I was on Speed. I could not sit still. I don’t drink caffeen, but I know that if I did, this is how I would feel. It felt like someone shot me up with a crazy amount of adrenaline and now I have mellowed out. At work, I was giggly and goofy, something I am at times, but it was allll dayyyy lonnnnggg! I am tired and getting ready to head to my first counseling appointment. Wish me luck! And pray Logan is a gem…

Day 1.

>June 15, 2010

***Over the next few weeks I am going to be writing a daily post on how I am feeling after taking the drug Celexa to treat my anxiety. It is simply a way to track side effects and progress. There may be other unrelated posts in one day so be sure to check your blogroll/reader/RSS feed! Thanks.***

So far, I have only been on the drug for 6 hours and I can already feel it. Not in the way of helping with the anxiety, but OMG there is something different going on. I took it before I went to bed because my previous experience with Lexapro has taught me that I am quite sensitive to these drugs and last time, I was so nauseated that I could hardly function. Doc recommended I take it at night since it is a 24 hour acting drug, so here I am. Not so nauseated, but VERY effing tired. We were up late last night for B’s birthday watching a movie and I don’t know if it was the drug or something else, but I could hardly fall asleep. Half the time I felt wide awake, like I could go bake something, but my body could feel it so I conceded to stay in bed. I barely got 4 hours of sleep and I have to go to work in an hour.

Other than feeling tired, I am dizzy and my vision is a little wobbly. As in, I am having trouble focusing. Weird. I can’t tell if I am a little nauseated since I have not eaten breakfast and my stomach is empty. We’ll see after I eat something.

Please continue to pray and send encouraging words! When I was driving to the store to pick up my script I was having anxiety about taking anxiety medication!! Wacky, I know. Wish me luck that I don’t pass out at work from sheer exhaustion!!

Hard.

>June 6, 2010

It’s hard to imagine that this sweet smile is not strong enough to squash my anxiety into a million pieces. It might, momentarily, but not permenantly and it is driving me crazy. I told B the other night that I felt like I was going crazy and he said, “Really, S, like you need a mental hospital? Be serious.” OMG…I am being serious but NO I do not need to check in somewhere! It’s not like I am truly going crazy here people. I just feel like I am. I am losing control over this black beast. It’s following me to work now and I am really beginning to consider talking to someone. I plan on calling my OB tomorrow to see what they recommend. I know that PPD can show up late and I don’t believe I am depressed, but the increased anxiety is definetly because I am a mom now.

I promised myself a long time ago that I would never talk about work on my blog and I’m not going to, but it needs to be said that the most minor of things, things which hardly concern me, are affecting me in a negative way. Yesterday, I about had a full blown panic attack because someone was trying to move our piano with a weak leg. I told them not to. They did it anyway and I don’t think I could breath for the time it took for them to move it. I was livid. I was freaking out. Somehow, mind was manifesting the idea that if something happened to the piano, it would in some way be my fault. I know this is totally irrationa and I KNOW that is not true. But it creeped it’s way into that weak part in my brain and there I sat, heart racing, hyperventalating, sweating and dizzy all because of a stupid piano…wha..??

OMG readers. I am weak in my arms just typing this! Which is how I know that it is time to find someone to help me out so please say some prayers, leave some encouraging, hopefull words. I need it! Thank you!!!

Fear

>May 23, 2010

I would prefer to write a post like this in the quite and safety of my own privacy, keeping all things negative only to myself. However, I feel that keeping this to myself won’t help me any, so I might as well put it out there and see if it can help any of you.

If you have been a long time follower, you know I’ve talked about my struggles with anxiety in the past. Over the last eight years, I have accepted the diagnosis and done what I can to keep it at bay. When it first began mid-semester my freshman year in college, I sought help and discovered the anxiety was causing a heart murmur. I was put on meds, went to a therapist, and put on a happy face. For seven months I took that tiny white pill every night before bed, avoided alcohol, and was convinced I was getting better.

I was. One day, I just decided to take the last pill and that was it. Cold turkey. I’ve heard of people doing this and it having negative effects, but I don’t remember feeling badly after doing that.

A few years pass with very mild episodes of panic attacks, nothing that warranted more counseling or meds. Near the end of my first year at a different college (four years since I’d taken any meds) I had a terrible experience with a roommate which affected my academics. I have always been anxious about getting good enough grades, but not for me, for my parents. I never wanted to disappoint them and the anxiety and panic attacks were coming back so much so that I went back to counseling in hopes of avoiding meds. I did and when the semester ended for the summer, I packed up my things and moved out to New Jersey for the summer. I have family out there and I felt a change in scenery and people would do me some good.

That summer has become one of my most favorite summers of my life. I went to the beach, lived with my grandma (who passed away a year and a half after that summer), dated a Harvard boy, and did not worry too much about anything else.

Six months later, I met B and we started dating. I graduated from college, got engaged, married and had a baby. Sounds like the perfect fairytale, right? Well, it is in just about every way possible, but the anxiety is back and worse than I can remember.

Logan is the most incredible little boy and I am so proud to be his mommy. His smile lights up my life and all those little worries wash away, but only for that moment. I put him down, walk away, sleep, go to work—whatever—and it’s back. I am afraid of everything. I’m afraid of someone kidnapping Logan, forgetting to lock the door and having an intruder attack us, tripping down the stairs with Logan in my arms, someone shaking him, being in a car accident….the list goes on and those are the more “tame” fears I have. I have had the same bad dream three times in the last week and it is so hard for me to articulate it to even B that he is unsure of how to take it. Outside of that particular dream, I have been having bad dreams just about every night. I wake up and walk around with this horrible knot in my stomach and my heart in my throat. When I am working or out of the house, I try and push the fears away from me but the moment I am alone with my thoughts, I feel weak and helpless.

The fear has been so griping lately that I am afraid I might need more help, something outside the comfort of my walls and B’s ears. I hate to think this is some form of post-partum depression and I won’t until someone tells me otherwise. But it scares me. I don’t really know what else to do. I pray hard, through tears and smiles as I hold and kiss Logan. It is a surreal feeling. Happy and scared at the same time. Wayyyyy deep down I know that everything is great, that nothing bad will happen, that I just need to relax. But the truth is, anything can happen and that is where my anxiety takes hold of me. I know the likelihood of such things happening is slim to none, but there is no 100% guarantee and without it, I am lost. My fears are not going away the same way they used to. Just say some prayers, if you would, that I find guidance in the next step. I know this time, I can’t just self-talk and visualize these fears away. I need something else.