I'm not a Greek nor am I Greek. However, it is my lifes dream to go to Greece someday. To touch that glassy-blue water and climb the narrow roads. But this has nothing to do with Greece. This has to do with being Greek, as in the Greek societies at colleges. It has to do with fear and not doing something because of it. I am not a Greek and every once in awhile, I get asked if I am, or was one. NO. I'm not. I never wanted to be and here's why.
While in high school, initiations really started to become something more dangerous than fun among the Greek chapters in our town (I live in a college town with a major university). Kids were even doing it in high school once you joined a sports team. I grew up getting picked on most of my life for a number of things and I was not about to subject myself to that kind of cruelty. That sounds harsh, using the word "cruel", but that is what was going on.
I was never Greek because I was afraid. I never joined school sports because I was afraid. That sounds so damn silly now because a huge part of me wishes I had been more involved in something. Looking back, I would have loved being on yearbook and cross country. I am trying, very slowly, to become a runner. I am trying, very slowly, to stop living my life in constant fear. Constant anxiety and fear that something bad might happen. It's like crying before you're even hurt. It's pointless and only makes me ache and stress more. B has been a huge support in helping me relax more and just worry, if I must, about right now, not tomorrow or the next day.
Five months ago the fear I lived in was so crippling I had to seek help. I had to talk to someone and take a mind-altering drug to calm my fears. Most of those fears revolved around being a new mom and 99% of which I had absolutely no control over. Slowly, I have learned that living in fear of the what ifs and maybes is not at all how I want Logan to know me. I want him to know me as a strong, confident momma who is driven and smart. Someone who is not afraid of the dark or the monsters in the closet. I have a long road ahead, pushing through those fears and being confident in the lack of control that I have. That control is not mine, but His. He is in control of our lives and it is the hardest thing in the world to get down on my knees and trust that.
As of last Wednesday, I have been off my meds, cold turkey. I don't believe in side effects, at least not for me. I have done this twice now with two different drugs and neither time did I experience the withdrawal symptoms that come with weaning off of a medication. I feel great about this decision and it is 100% without any medical guidance. I am my own guidance and I am in control of the fear now.
While in high school, initiations really started to become something more dangerous than fun among the Greek chapters in our town (I live in a college town with a major university). Kids were even doing it in high school once you joined a sports team. I grew up getting picked on most of my life for a number of things and I was not about to subject myself to that kind of cruelty. That sounds harsh, using the word "cruel", but that is what was going on.
I was never Greek because I was afraid. I never joined school sports because I was afraid. That sounds so damn silly now because a huge part of me wishes I had been more involved in something. Looking back, I would have loved being on yearbook and cross country. I am trying, very slowly, to become a runner. I am trying, very slowly, to stop living my life in constant fear. Constant anxiety and fear that something bad might happen. It's like crying before you're even hurt. It's pointless and only makes me ache and stress more. B has been a huge support in helping me relax more and just worry, if I must, about right now, not tomorrow or the next day.
Five months ago the fear I lived in was so crippling I had to seek help. I had to talk to someone and take a mind-altering drug to calm my fears. Most of those fears revolved around being a new mom and 99% of which I had absolutely no control over. Slowly, I have learned that living in fear of the what ifs and maybes is not at all how I want Logan to know me. I want him to know me as a strong, confident momma who is driven and smart. Someone who is not afraid of the dark or the monsters in the closet. I have a long road ahead, pushing through those fears and being confident in the lack of control that I have. That control is not mine, but His. He is in control of our lives and it is the hardest thing in the world to get down on my knees and trust that.
As of last Wednesday, I have been off my meds, cold turkey. I don't believe in side effects, at least not for me. I have done this twice now with two different drugs and neither time did I experience the withdrawal symptoms that come with weaning off of a medication. I feel great about this decision and it is 100% without any medical guidance. I am my own guidance and I am in control of the fear now.
1 comment:
Leave some Lovin!