Unsolicited Advice

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I have a near and dear friend who is getting ready to have her second son in the coming weeks. There is so much joy and excitement going on! They have waited nearly three years for this second dream of a child to come along and I could not be happier for her. We chatted over the weekend and while she already has a five year old, baby semantics have long left her. We talked about the things she still needed and wanted and she asked me some questions. With her, nothing is ever "unsolicited". We're like sisters. We help each other out and we take the other's advice to heart, even if we may not fully agree or we need to take some time to swallow it. No matter what, we rely on each other for support. She is the veteran wife and mother between the two of us, but I would be lying if I said I was not happy to have helped her out a bit this weekend. Her nerves are running high in anticipation for this new babe who is sure to spice things up around her home! Here are a few things, almost rules, that we take seriously around our home. I know many may not agree with some of them being that it's not like CPS is going to come knocking on your door if you do practice any of the following. These are just the things that are important to us. Take what you will from it. 

Disclaimer: Please know that if you happen to do any of these things (or don't) I will not judge you. I know moms are judged for countless things they do or don't do, several of these items being the topic of subject, but please know that it is not MY place to judge you. You're the mom, the parent, and you make your own choices just as we do. As I have said in the past, the only things I WILL judge you for are things that break the law or are not safe/healthy. Sure, a few of these things fall into the safety category and I might give you the side eye, but I still love you. :)

1. Don't put your baby to bed with a drink of any kind. Not only is this bad for their developing teeth, I also believe it is a huge choking risk. I am so petrified of Logan aspirating on his own spit let alone a drink. That sounds extreme, I know, but it happens. I also don't want to damage his teeth before he even has them all in.
2. Rear-face for as long as possible. On the Today show TODAY there was a discussion about how it is most safe for children to rear-face in their convertible car seat until the age of two and/or they reach the weight limit on the car seat for rear-facing. Parent arguments for forward facing at one range from the child being happier facing forward to it being more comfortable because their legs are not squished. This is not the law-yet-but for us we will be rear-facing until Logan reaches the weight limit which is 40 pounds. Even if he is 2.5 he will be rear-facing. The studies that are encouraging rear-facing longer suggest that in the event of a collision a toddler's neck, back and shoulders are more secure and the risk of serious injury to the spin is greatly minimized (info). 
3. Anti-co-sleeping. We discussed before Logan even arrived and agreed that in no way for any reason would Logan sleep in bed with us. Our bed was for us, our special place, and Logan had his own bed. There are so many pros and cons to this and I am not going to rattle off what those are. But here are the reasons why we don't do it: early on there was an increased risk of SIDS not to mention we have a queen size bed and both of us were worried about rolling over onto him or him suffocating, getting too hot, etc. Now we don't do it because it is just not realistic. Both B and I are pretty light sleepers. Having Logan in the bed with us would mean that neither of us would be getting very good sleep. AND Logan rolls around and sleeps mostly on his stomach with his butt up in the air and that would just not work for all three of us.
4. Delay high-allergen foods. Because B has a very serious allergy to fish and others in his family have pet allergies, we have been delaying certain foods for Logan until he is a little older. I was going to delay whole milk until 18 months but by the time he was almost 12 months he was eating cheese and yogurt no problem and we slowly started to integrate it into his formula. Just in the last two weeks he has been on straight whole milk. We took the process nice and slow and he has adjusted well. Only last week did he try a taste of peanut butter, no problem. Fish, eggs, honey, gelatin and tree nuts will be delayed until he is much older. It's clear he has sensitive skin and we want to minimize allergic reactions as much as possible.
5. Delayed vaccines. I've talked about this a bit. We believe in vaccinating our children, just at a slower rate. The one and only vaccine Logan will not receive is the chicken pox vac. There is just too much crap in it and I know a few people who have had their children GET chicken pox from the vac. Also, there is gelatin in it. Otherwise, Logan is mostly on schedule. He will get MMR at 15 months. We did not want him to have to endure more than 2 pokes at once, as no one should! Plus that is just a lot of chemicals to put into such a tiny person all at once.
6. We Cry it Out, sometimes. I just wrote an entire post about this a few days ago. As I said then, we only do it every once in awhile and last night was the first time in several weeks that we had to let Logan cry. He had been fed, changed, and was just really tired. Not to mention his teeth have been giving him hell for a few weeks now. I gave him some tylenol and let him play. He'd cry and finally I just laid him down. Usually he goes right to sleep but last night he was not having it. He cried for 8 minutes and was out. 

Judgy McJudgerson

>Gawh I don't even know how to start this post out without shouting at the top of my lungs. So here goes...

Moms get judged all the time. Someone is watching our ever effing move. I  noticed this when I was pregnant. You know...not drinking alcohol, eating right, not smoking (if you're a smoker), not lifting heavy things, walking unassisted outside when it's icy...the list goes on. At first you realize that everyone has your best interest at heart. I get that. So...thank you over-protective stranger I don't know for taking my cart to the cart port at the grocery store-how kind of you. Now that my little person is in my arms and attached to my hip just about every where I go, the judgyness is way worse. For example, a friend of mine on FB, who is a male and NOT a parent, made a comment about seeing a mother walking across the street with her child in sub-zero temps and eluded that she should never procreate...ie: you're a terrible mother how dare you take your child outside when it's not even 10*!!! I see the logic here, but now that I am a mom if I have to go somewhere and Logan is with me then he best be bundled up and outside. Oh well. What are we gonna do about it?

Today I changed Logan in a public place and I did not have any hand sanitizer with me nor was I near a bathroom so I just wiped my hands with a wipe and threw it away. Well, some older lady did not see me do that and made a comment to me that she noticed I had not washed my hands and how could you even touch your child without having done so first?! I rolled my eyes and did not even waste my time trying to explain to her the situation. Whatevs. However, I am fed up with it. I know this is probably going to happen for the rest of my life as a mother. People are going to judge how I dress him, change him, what I feed him, how I feed him, how I parent him, etc....I'm building up my backbone for it.

Tell me, do you get judged out in public? Do you ever do the judging? Personally, I only find myself on the other side of the fence when safety and health come into play. For example, a pregnant woman smoking. Yes, your a dumbass if you smoke while you're pregnant. Or riding in the back seat with your child on your lap to go just one mile. Idiot! Those people deserve it. Me? Not so much and I will sure as hell admit it when I do.

About a Loss

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I have no idea how to title this post, so it is going to go naked, just like little Logan. I would love to post the adorable pictures and video I have of Logan lounging in the nude, but that goes beyond what I deem appropriate for the internet. He has been rather feisty this week and all because of a sore throat. Poor guy. I am sure that his screaming from the pain only makes it worse. Anyway, our evenings have been spent with a happy little man crawling around in his birthday suit, happy as can be. He sat on the cold tile floor for what seemed like forever and when I picked him up, his little bottom and legs were chilly as well. I just love finding new ways to make him happy. If being naked makes him happy, then you best be prepared for that if you drop on by.

Anyway, this was not the purpose of the post. There has been something on my mind for over a week now. My dearest, close-as-a-sister of a cousin had a loss a few weeks ago. Her SIL lost a baby at 22 weeks and I think we have both been mourning that loss. I, of course, am doing it differently as I do not know her SIL. But I do know what it feels like to have a 22 week old little boy squirming around in my belly, hiccuping and flipping about. I know what it feels like to finally have a belly, to finally have others notice my protruding abdomen and touch it gently looking at me with approving, smiling eyes. I know all to well that feeling of, "less than halfway there!". The excitement, the joy, the anticipation and that constant, rolling reminder that yes, Sarah, there is a growing baby in your belly and you're going to be a mother happen to be some of my most fond memories of my pregnancy. This was all before Logan dropped and caused tremendous back, hip, and pelvic discomfort, early effacement, and a lack of exercise. So when H told me about her SILs loss, my heart broke for her and H. H is a momma to three beauties and has felt the same things I have. We experienced our last pregnancy together, 10 weeks apart and being that she is a total pregnancy veteran, you can bet your bottom that I was texting her at all hours of the day asking if "this is normal" or not.

We were able to talk about it earlier this week and my heart is still aching. Her SIL chose to have their baby girl buried in a cemetery. They had a funeral. Now, I have not had the god-awful experience of losing a pregnancy but as of right now, I know that this is something I would not have done. Being that the baby miscarried before 24 weeks, the week of viability (and even then, still a long road to survival), I had to disagree with her choice. When I think about why people make certain decisions, especially one like this, I try to put myself in her shoes. Why would she chose to do that? If this had been me, the last thing I would want is for everyone to have to come and put my baby in the ground with me. No mother wants to ever have to do this. Can you say: worst fear ever! I tried to think of reasons why she would want to have a funeral and I cannot understand it, so I will just do my best to be sensitive to the decision. Yet, doing that all this week, has made me still wonder what I would do. What we, B and I, would do if we lost a baby that early. I think we would just want to say goodbye in our own way at the hospital and move on from there. As H and I agreed, neither of us would want a physical place to have to go and visit our loss. Now, don't get me wrong here. This is a very touchy topic and I am sure there are a few of you twisting your eyebrows at me. That's fine. This is just how I feel about it. If I were to ever lose a child past 30 weeks where the survival rate is even greater, it may be a different story. You may be asking yourself why I am so wrapped up in this. I blame it on my incessant anxiety that causes me to think about worse case scenarios. It is a coping mechanism where I convince myself that if I already have a plan, then I won't have to ever use that plan. Silly, I know, but it's what I do. Anyway, this has just been on my mind this week and I needed to write down my feelings.

Into the Crib

>May 24, 2010

This may come off a little harsh, but bare with me ONLY with an open mind. I don’t mean to offend, I just need to vent…

I don’t get it. Whyyyyyyy do parents co-sleep? The only reason I see where this might be okay is if you are a single parent and/or your spouse is deployed. But I am not here to argue for co-sleeping and those parents.

I keep seeing on message boards and blogs and even a few friends I know of who have allowed their wee one to sleep in their bed. Way back in the day, I took a speech class and a fellow student, a mother, gave a speech about why co-sleeping so so good for parent and child. The moment I learned that parents actually do this, I was horrified of several things:

• rolling onto my babe
• not getting any sleep
• bye bye sex life!
• the battle of transitioning into a crib later on down the road
• weird looks from non-co-sleeping-believers (that would be me…)

…It goes on. I knew from that moment there was no way I was going to allow my child to sleep in our marriage bed. No way. And this, my fellow momma friends, I did not back down on. B supported me. Once we brought Logan home from the hospital and we tried getting him to sleep in the PnP, that was hard enough, hearing all the little sweet sounds he’d make. It was too much for all three of us.

So I did what others may think was too soon: I moved Logan into his crib when he was 4 weeks old and it was the best move we made for Logan sleep wise. He can sleep and nap in his crib comfortably. He can self-sooth himself to sleep. I can lay him down awake and let him fuss until he falls asleep. There has never been any crying, screaming, or headbanging on either of our parts. It was a smooth and perfect transition and I know that if we had waited until he was older, it would have been a lot harder to do.

It is just surprising to me that so many parents co-sleep and are surpirsed when it is very difficult to transition to the crib…

So my advice to all you new mommas, do it sooner rather than later!