Logan is 10 weeks old, which means I have been breast-feeding for 9 weeks. It started out how, I assume, it should have: colostrum, engorgement, milk comes in, sore nipples, etc... I knew that the initial "pain" in breast-feeding would end in just a few short weeks as I toughened up. However, that is not what happened. If you know me at all, you know that I have quite literally been through hell and back with this whole breast-feeding adventure.
When I found out I was expecting, there was no question whether or not I would nurse my baby. I did wonder if there was the possibility that it just would not work out and I did prepare myself for that. Having had Logan in the NICU, we were not sure how nursing would go. Logan had to be able to take a bottle of my pumped milk and gain weight before we were discharged so while I saw a lactation consultant a few times before I was discharged, it did not do any help right away.
Since then, the LC's at Wee Steps and I have become friends. I know them all personally now and I am sure a summer BBQ would not be out of the question. I've been going almost every week as that is how often something comes up. I have had a slew of issues. To start, Logan could not latch without a shield. The shield helped him latch perfectly and at first, I was elated that it was working and he was nursing! My elation was quickly squashed when I realized what a terrible habit I had started, how inconvenient the darn thing was and then, we got thrush. Thrush is a yeast infection that occurs in the baby's mouth and can be passed back and forth from mother's breast to baby. The shield was a perfect place for the thrush to live, despite my many attempts to clean, sterilize and even buy new ones to get rid of the nasty infection. For Logan, it did not bother him in the least. It just shows up as white stuff on his tongue, thicker than milk residue. For me, however, it was searing, burning pain.
Right around the same time I am experiencing this and just before the thrush was diagnosed, I noticed a lump forming. I saw my OB's, they did a little ultrasound that was inconclusive, put me on antibiotics, and sent me to a surgeon to see what was up. Turns out the lump was an abscess, a fluid-filled pocket. I could only assume it started out as an clocked milk duct that just would not unclogged. But oh,"you're lucky," says the surgeon, that I did not have mastitis. And he was right, that would have been really bad. Yet I have a new wound that could potentially leak milk until I stop breast-feeding. Awesome. (enter sarcasm here) Even more awesome? The antibiotics CAUSED the thrush.
As soon as the abscess was drained, a wave of comfort washed over me. The extra stinging, sharp pains from that had subsided and I was thinking I could really keep going and providing the best nutrition for Logan out there. I was so happy and relieved. Less than a week later, though, we were both diagnosed with the thrush. Getting rid of thrush is terribly difficult. I had to sanitize everything that went into Logan's mouth, get a new shield, and hope for the best. Logan was given oral drops and I was to then use the drops directly on my nipples to clear it up. Within a week I could see a noticeable difference and I was again, feeling much better.
The abscess and thrush all happened around the middle of March. So for about a month now, things have been going well. I did continue to go to Wee Steps as I was determined the next step was weening Logan off the shield. Sometime last week I noticed that the lump where the abscess had been drained was getting hard again. I tried expressing it through the incision site that was almost healed, but still leaked milk, and out came blood. It had not bled for weeks and I worried. So I called the surgeon up and asked him what I should do. He wanted to see me again, but could not until today so he prescribed me more antibiotics. I told his nurse, hells nos was I taking antibiotics again and risking getting thrush (I know, silly since an infection from the abscess would actually be worse...). She spoke with the surgeon again and he prescribed Diflucan, a sure and quick killer of thrush (good news) but a drug that is not actually considered 100% safe while breast-feeding (but what drug is anyway...). Enter MORE awesomeness. I chose to take it, as the nightmare of thrush was something I was soooooo not on board with.
After all this, I decided it was also time to ween Logan off the shield. I was so sick of it and was worried Logan would get sick soon enough. The first few times we tried nursing without it, he latched like a champ and I was thrilled! We have actually been shield-less since Friday afternoon now and I am soooo glad! Here is where the worry kicks in:
*The surgeon might tell me I have to stop breast-feeding to allow the abscess to fully heal.
*Logan has been eating so fast, I am worried he is not getting enough and/or causing some not so fun gas pain in him. Last night he cried for almost an entire hour AFTER I fed him and after many attempts to soothe him otherwise, I heated up some milk and he ate 3oz no problem. Enter guilt here. I am so frustrated with our adventures in breast-feeding that I truly feel it might be time to stop. Physically, I am sore. No big deal. But emotionally? I am a wreck. It is so difficult to have so many feelings bombarding me at once.
I love nursing Logan. Talk about a bonding experience.
I love providing the best nutrition for him.
It's free!
I can pump and save it for later.
I can quickly satisfy his hunger without mixing formula, warming it up and further agitating Logan while he's waiting.
...these are all the GOOD things.
I am sore.
At night, since he sleeps longer, I get engorged.
Without the shield, he really can "bite" down. OUCH!
Thrush.
Abscess, and it's incision site that leaks.
Not having had one good, solid week of breast-feeding to speak of in the last two and a half months.
...these are the bad things.
So conflicting. I want to do what is right for Logan, but now I am at the point where I need to do what is right for me. I have tried to make this work. I have cried, sobbed even, while feeding him because I knew it was best and despite the pain, it was worth it. Well now, I cannot handle the emotional toll this is taking on me. I am so sick of there being something wrong EVERY SINGLE WEEK! I get that motherhood is a trip and there are many other challenging things, and even more rewarding things, that we go through for our children. Never before have I felt so much unconditional love for someone in my entire life. Logan is the most precious, sweet, happy baby and he knows nothing of my troubles, which I am so glad about. I push through the pain so that he won't know that I am hurting. But I think the end is near. When I talked about this with B just before the abscess was drained, he was quite stubborn and encouraged me to keep going. So I did. Last night I told him it's almost over and he comforted me and said I knew what was best. I cry just thinking about having to give up that special bonding time with Logan. I know there are other ways to bond and I know some mothers don't ever nurse their babies but for me, it has been so incredible and horrible in all the ways mentioned above. I am not trying to be a martyr, I just wanted what was best. Now, what's best is getting me healthy.
Update to come after my appointment today.
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