In my past life, you know, pre baby and even pre marriage, I have never been an over-achiever. If I didn't want to do something, didn't like something--whatever--I wouldn't do it. I never liked this about myself, but it is the main reason why I have a terrible singing voice (gave up choir in 6th grade), I'm a terrible speller, and the most unathletic person you could meet. I have had a few weeks in there of great motivation to get something completed, like the blanket I have been making for my dad for months now, and have not finished it yet. All this to say...I am doing a damn good job of not giving up on breast feeding, even though I think about it everyday.
For over a week now, I have had a hard, painful lump in my left breast. It's red, hot, sore and OMG was I in denial of what that meant: mastitis. The devil of breast infections. Now, after a week (shockingly...) I have yet to get the flu-like symptoms that indicate an infection is present: chills, fever, overall yuckiness. But today after a chat with my dear cousin I knew I had to go get it checked out. I made an appointment for this afternoon and OF COURSE it lands in the middle of Logan's nap aka MY NAP time. As I was getting ready to get up from laying down for 30 minutes my lovely husband walked in the door and I would be lying if I said I was not relieved by the thought of having to load up my sleepy baby. He was home and I could go sans my son to the doctor. If you talked to me about that on Saturday, I would have puked by the thought of leaving my boy. Tangent: I left Logan for the first time Saturday night to go to a party with my husband. Logan was in perfect hands and I was sick to my stomach and crying I was so sad to leave him. Today, I had no worries and I think that had to do with Logan being with his daddy. Not sure why that feeling was so different. Either way, as the afternoon wore on and my appointment came about, I started to feel shittier. I know the utter exhaustion had something to do with that, but I could tell now that my body was reacting to the possible infection.
The doctor is not sure yet if it is truly mastitis or a large cyst so I am on antibiotics. Add into the mix that I think I am getting ANOTHER UTI!!! OMG I wanna scream. Even more, B offered to watch Logan all afternoon once I got home so I could take a nap. I was in heaven with the thought of two hours of uninterrupted sleep and what happens? I can't sleep!! I cried I am so tired.
SO where the hell is the determination? Well, I am not giving up on breast feeding. Somewhere in my mind there is the determination to stick with it. I really do love nursing Logan. I love touching his face and talking to him and the bond that it gives us. I just hate how it makes me feel physically. HATE IT!! The good thing, though, is that despite how crappy I feel, I am DETERMINED to get Logan to sleep in his crib. I did not think I would want to do this so soon, but he really does not sleep well in the pack n play and sleeping out on the couch so he can sleep in the swing is really hard on me emotionally. I hate not laying next to my husband. Our marriage is already changing as we move into parenthood and I need to still feel close to him so two nights ago I said no more and all day yesterday I laid Logan down in his crib when he was sleepy. After several times of going back and soothing his cries and even baby stretches of 10 minutes hanging out in there, he managed to sleep a solid 40 minutes for a nap, as did I! Then last night I woke him up at 9:30pm to give him a bath, nurse, read a story, sing a song and laid him in his crib and he slept until almost 1am! I was so proud of him! Now I know he does not hate sleeping on his back, he just hates sleeping in the pack n play. So we have his room all set up with a night light, rocking chair, and monitors so we can feel comfortable about this transition. So I am determined to get him to sleep in his crib for all his naps and night times. I know there will be worse nights than others and a true routine will take some time, but I know that starting early will be a good thing. Logan is so smart and I know he will adjust quickly.
So now I am going to eat a yummy dinner B has made and try to rest up some more.
2 comments:
Leave some Lovin!